The journey

I'm 33 years old and I still think everything can be achieved overnight. That's how I tackle everything I do. I start something and expect amazing results NOW! Diets, training, studies... sobriety. I have to remember that last time I decided to do something about my drinking it took about 6-9 excruciating months to get to my first sober day. That's a long time of trial and error for someone who wants it all yesterday.

I can't predict how long it's going to take this time. I'm a different person, my drinking is different and the circumstances have changed dramatically. Despite the aching liver, persistent cough and general tiredness, I actually feel optimistic. I have made the decision to embark on the journey of getting and staying sober after a long time of not really knowing what I was doing or where I was going. The inconvenient truth is that if I carry on drinking I might as well give up on my dreams and aspirations. I knew that 4 years ago when I got sober last time, and I know it now.

A return to life?

I think it's quite telling that the title of my last post is "Research" and that I haven't posted in two years. I've started plenty of other blogs with various topics and ideas, none as long-lived and genuine as this one. My constant need for reinventing myself and my life has resulted in a string of failed relationships, ambitions and career moves. The only constant in these two years has been the drinking. Needless to say, I haven't achieved a thing. I've made progress in certain areas only to stop dead with my next binge, and I've become scared of starting anything new as I never know when the binges will start and end.

In other words, I'm back to square one.

I've got an aching liver, bad skin, empty bank account, a new job (same shit, different bar), new living arrangements and yet another relationship. The other day I didn't go outside the house for fear of drinking and/or running into someone I'd seen the night before when I'd had a few too many. On a Tuesday. I watched three films and the BRIT awards and felt oh so sorry for myself.

I'm angry, really fucking angry. At myself, that is, not anyone or anything else. Pure unadulterated anger is flowing in my veins right now and I know exactly what to do. I will beat this shit. I will write about it when I have a good day and I will write about it when I have a bad day, sober or not. I will beat this.