I've been "out there" doing some research. For a good while my mind was playing tricks on me and a few of you will know that I doubted whether I am an alcoholic or not. It was driving me mad. Every single day I was preoccupied by this feeling of "what if?". What if I'm not an alcoholic? What if I'm wasting precious time going to meetings every week? What if all this is just an illusion? What would happen if I started drinking again? This all, naturally enough, led to a trial period of drinking to see where it got me.
I don't want to play anymore. This is serious shit. If I carry on like I am now, I'll be heading towards the same kind of situation that started this whole journey off. I'd need to detox and the period preceding my last detox was the worst time of my life. I do not want to go there again. In fact, I might go back and read all my blog entries from the beginning to remind myself why I stopped drinking in the first place.
I said then that I will never forget. This is for life. Well it is. But on the journey of life I'll come across hurdles. It's up to me if I want to jump them straight on, or try to find a clever way around them "my way". My way was always the bad way, and it still is.
Will 27th of February, 2012 be my new sober date? I don't know. All I know is that I feel like shit and that something has got to change. I know in my heart what it is that needs to be changed; it just needs to reach my head.
Monday, 27 February 2012
Monday, 2 January 2012
What actually happened (long post warning)
I guess it's the time of the year that makes me think more deeply about things in life, and right now I'm thinking about the things I did wrong leading up to this holiday period just gone. I won't dwell on it for very long but I think it will be useful to point out a few things that could have been done differently and perhaps prevented the slips and slides that I experienced.
First of all, I should have had a solid plan in terms of what to do on the different days during Christmas and new year. As it happens I had a big row with the bf and ended up totally alone on Christmas Eve. I felt as if I was all alone in the world with nobody to love me, which is of course complete BS, but it inevitably led to my wallowing in a deep pit of self-pity. That's when the first thoughts about picking up a drink reared their ugly heads. I didn't even panic about it. At the time I thought I was being perfectly rational about it. Yeah right.
Anyway... I had three small glasses of Bailey's and I have to admit it tasted nice, but it did absolutely nothing for me. Knowing that I didn't want to get drunk I only had those three, then had a cup of tea and went to bed. Totally pointless in other words. I woke up the next morning with a bad feeling in my gut about having done something wrong, but I didn't have the energy to analyse it so I ignored it and carried on with Christmas Day. It was a really nice day that ended in a meeting and hanging out with bf who decided to be nice to honour the day, which is what I did as well.
Boxing Day arrives and it starts getting hard again... Arguments with the bf and people arriving for a poker game, people getting drunk and loud and I was offered a shot of something. I declined but my heart was racing and I thought I could have had that one. After all, I had those drinks the other day and that was OK, right? After that I had to take myself out of there so I went and fed my friend's fish. However, my mind was completely overtaken by the thought of having another go at drinking. There was no way I could stay in the situation and not drink from that point onwards... So instead of staying out of the way (or phoning my sponsor!), I joined in the poker game (in which I did surprisingly well, I must add) and asked the bf if I could have some of his Bailey's. He was surprisingly cool about it and said yes, and he filled my glass up a couple of times after that too. Again, it did absolutely nothing for me apart from the artificial feeling of being "a part of it" which I really wasn't because I couldn't concentrate on the game or what was being said around me. It felt as if there was this haze around me, as if I was all alone in a bubble with other people just floating around me. I couldn't really connect with others which was a horrible feeling. It subsided after a while, after I hadn't drank for a couple of hours.
I ended up having to take care of the bf who was suddenly struck by a horrendous migraine and I slept for a couple of hours on the floor next to him to be near him. The next day I felt numb and decided not to analyse it again, although I did tell my sponsor in very non-committal way. I didn't even know I was doing it, but I was trying really hard to be casual about it and make it sound as if I'm not an alcoholic and maybe I don't need to go to AA anymore. She saw right through me of course which at the time seemed such a nuisance; "I knew she wouldn't believe me!" kinda thing. The days leading up to NYE I didn't drink, I didn't fancy it and didn't think much about it, apart from thinking that I felt trapped in this whole AA "I'm never gonna drink again" business.
NYE came along and I had 2 pts of cider, which again was totally pointless as I didn't want to get drunk and didn't particularly enjoy the taste. And even though I didn't get drunk I was so, so, so aware of the fact that I was drinking that I was terrified of actually seeming drunk, so I couldn't relax properly anyway. It's this awkwardness, obsession and fear that proves to me that I AM INDEED AND ALCOHOLIC and that I should steer well clear of any alcoholic drink. It doesn't matter that it was "alright" at the time, that the world didn't end, or that I didn't do anything stupid, or that I didn't get a hangover. Those things are just LUCKY. And I don't believe in leading your life hoping for luck to be on your side. Especially when there are obvious and proven ways of doing things to prevent those bad things from happening, the major one being to NOT pick up that first drink.
These experiments were lucky escapes, and really, what's the point in tempting fate after all this hard work. Where is my gratitude? I really feel like an ungrateful bitch moaning about why I can't be like everyone else. Because I'm NOT like everyone else. Tough. But there is a really good way of living with that fact. Enjoy life sober and not obsess about that stupid drink. It gives me absolutely nothing. Yeah, some alcoholic drinks taste nice, but so does hundreds of non-alcoholic drinks so it's not like I'm missing out on anything.
So here's to day 2 of a new journey towards acceptance and surrender.
First of all, I should have had a solid plan in terms of what to do on the different days during Christmas and new year. As it happens I had a big row with the bf and ended up totally alone on Christmas Eve. I felt as if I was all alone in the world with nobody to love me, which is of course complete BS, but it inevitably led to my wallowing in a deep pit of self-pity. That's when the first thoughts about picking up a drink reared their ugly heads. I didn't even panic about it. At the time I thought I was being perfectly rational about it. Yeah right.
Anyway... I had three small glasses of Bailey's and I have to admit it tasted nice, but it did absolutely nothing for me. Knowing that I didn't want to get drunk I only had those three, then had a cup of tea and went to bed. Totally pointless in other words. I woke up the next morning with a bad feeling in my gut about having done something wrong, but I didn't have the energy to analyse it so I ignored it and carried on with Christmas Day. It was a really nice day that ended in a meeting and hanging out with bf who decided to be nice to honour the day, which is what I did as well.
Boxing Day arrives and it starts getting hard again... Arguments with the bf and people arriving for a poker game, people getting drunk and loud and I was offered a shot of something. I declined but my heart was racing and I thought I could have had that one. After all, I had those drinks the other day and that was OK, right? After that I had to take myself out of there so I went and fed my friend's fish. However, my mind was completely overtaken by the thought of having another go at drinking. There was no way I could stay in the situation and not drink from that point onwards... So instead of staying out of the way (or phoning my sponsor!), I joined in the poker game (in which I did surprisingly well, I must add) and asked the bf if I could have some of his Bailey's. He was surprisingly cool about it and said yes, and he filled my glass up a couple of times after that too. Again, it did absolutely nothing for me apart from the artificial feeling of being "a part of it" which I really wasn't because I couldn't concentrate on the game or what was being said around me. It felt as if there was this haze around me, as if I was all alone in a bubble with other people just floating around me. I couldn't really connect with others which was a horrible feeling. It subsided after a while, after I hadn't drank for a couple of hours.
I ended up having to take care of the bf who was suddenly struck by a horrendous migraine and I slept for a couple of hours on the floor next to him to be near him. The next day I felt numb and decided not to analyse it again, although I did tell my sponsor in very non-committal way. I didn't even know I was doing it, but I was trying really hard to be casual about it and make it sound as if I'm not an alcoholic and maybe I don't need to go to AA anymore. She saw right through me of course which at the time seemed such a nuisance; "I knew she wouldn't believe me!" kinda thing. The days leading up to NYE I didn't drink, I didn't fancy it and didn't think much about it, apart from thinking that I felt trapped in this whole AA "I'm never gonna drink again" business.
NYE came along and I had 2 pts of cider, which again was totally pointless as I didn't want to get drunk and didn't particularly enjoy the taste. And even though I didn't get drunk I was so, so, so aware of the fact that I was drinking that I was terrified of actually seeming drunk, so I couldn't relax properly anyway. It's this awkwardness, obsession and fear that proves to me that I AM INDEED AND ALCOHOLIC and that I should steer well clear of any alcoholic drink. It doesn't matter that it was "alright" at the time, that the world didn't end, or that I didn't do anything stupid, or that I didn't get a hangover. Those things are just LUCKY. And I don't believe in leading your life hoping for luck to be on your side. Especially when there are obvious and proven ways of doing things to prevent those bad things from happening, the major one being to NOT pick up that first drink.
These experiments were lucky escapes, and really, what's the point in tempting fate after all this hard work. Where is my gratitude? I really feel like an ungrateful bitch moaning about why I can't be like everyone else. Because I'm NOT like everyone else. Tough. But there is a really good way of living with that fact. Enjoy life sober and not obsess about that stupid drink. It gives me absolutely nothing. Yeah, some alcoholic drinks taste nice, but so does hundreds of non-alcoholic drinks so it's not like I'm missing out on anything.
So here's to day 2 of a new journey towards acceptance and surrender.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Staying safe and remembering
I don't know where to start really.
It's been a turbulent December with lots going on. I've let recovery take a backseat, still been going to meetings but not been doing much else connected to step work after I finished step 4. I haven't read, prayed or meditated. In short, I drank over Christmas and New Year. Not a lot, and not enough to get drunk or anything "bad" to happen, but still. It still feels like a failure. I thought I felt OK about it until I shared at the meeting tonight and broke down crying. It took me by surprise. I'd probably just ignored the implications of it and only realised once I started talking about it what a massive risk I'm running in doing things like that. It's nothing short of playing with fire and I had a lucky escape (or three). As 2012 now begins I want to do things differently. I need to remember why I went into recovery, remember the things I'm grateful for at the end of each day and put more work into the whole process. I've been far too lazy and caught up in other things and completely forgotten what I'm supposed to be doing. My new sober date is now 1 January 2012 and I'm not going to mess this up. Back to basics; one day at the time; remember and reinforce step 1 and stay safe.
My only resolution for the new year is to not pick up that first drink.
It's been a turbulent December with lots going on. I've let recovery take a backseat, still been going to meetings but not been doing much else connected to step work after I finished step 4. I haven't read, prayed or meditated. In short, I drank over Christmas and New Year. Not a lot, and not enough to get drunk or anything "bad" to happen, but still. It still feels like a failure. I thought I felt OK about it until I shared at the meeting tonight and broke down crying. It took me by surprise. I'd probably just ignored the implications of it and only realised once I started talking about it what a massive risk I'm running in doing things like that. It's nothing short of playing with fire and I had a lucky escape (or three). As 2012 now begins I want to do things differently. I need to remember why I went into recovery, remember the things I'm grateful for at the end of each day and put more work into the whole process. I've been far too lazy and caught up in other things and completely forgotten what I'm supposed to be doing. My new sober date is now 1 January 2012 and I'm not going to mess this up. Back to basics; one day at the time; remember and reinforce step 1 and stay safe.
My only resolution for the new year is to not pick up that first drink.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Birthday and forgetfulness
It was my 31st birthday on Sunday. My friend took me to a lovely city and we ended up shopping all day. We stopped for lunch at a Scottish fish restaurant which had amazing food and really good staff all for a reasonable price. It was the perfect day out. After that we picked up our partners and went for dinner in the village next door to ours. That was ok too. However, after 9pm I got a text message from an AA friend asking me if I was ok, and I was mortified to realise that I had actually forgotten to go to the meeting at my homegroup, and I hadn't told anyone! I felt sooo guilty and I also regret missing the main share which apparently was really good. Oh well... at least I missed it because I was having a good time sober rather than falling about drunk on my birthday.
In the preceding weeks leading up to my birthday I'd been sharing about how good it feels to be able to make plans and actually believe that they are going to happen. While I was drinking that wasn't an option. If things happened as planned it was just down to luck and that's something I didn't have much of. Mostly I would wake up so hungover that I couldn't do anything, or if I could follow through with something I'd spend all day wishing I was at home in bed or in the bar. Not anymore, and I'm so grateful for that!
In the preceding weeks leading up to my birthday I'd been sharing about how good it feels to be able to make plans and actually believe that they are going to happen. While I was drinking that wasn't an option. If things happened as planned it was just down to luck and that's something I didn't have much of. Mostly I would wake up so hungover that I couldn't do anything, or if I could follow through with something I'd spend all day wishing I was at home in bed or in the bar. Not anymore, and I'm so grateful for that!
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Getting over myself
Ok, so somebody broke somebody else's anonymity in a pretty brutal way last week. It was and is none of my business but I could so feel for the person who's anonymity was broken in this very insensitive way. It resulted in that person resigning from a service position for my homegroup. It didn't sit well with me at all. It made matters worse that the guilty party has been in the rooms for over 35 years and has jokingly been called the AA God because the person is always full of good advice and inspiration. Since I am by nature quite drawn to drama and sometimes guilty of creating some, I considered boycotting the meeting where this person is a regular... My sponsor in her infinite wisdom and experience gently reminded me of the "principles before personalities" concept and that she is going for the benefit of others (in this case a newcomer in particular). I ended up going with them not knowing what to expect and it was a fantastic meeting! I just sat there with a big grin on my face, as again there were loads of newcomers, returning newcomers and wonderful shares. I'm so grateful to have people around me that keep me in the here and now and remind me of what's actually important. And that it's not all about me and my stupid opinions. I still feel the same about the incident because I think the principle of anonymity is a very sacred one, but my actions don't have to be defined by those feelings. I just have to do the next right thing which is keep going to meetings and be there for the newcomer!
Another lesson gratefully learnt.
Another lesson gratefully learnt.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Lack of compassion, take 2
I calculated my BMI today and it thinks I'm underweight. It turned out to be 18.3 and according to the online BMI calculator anything under 18.5 is underweight. This is of course utter rubbish which I was relieved to learn in my course work where it says that BMI is a very unreliable method of measuring how healthy you are on the scale of underweight to obese. So there... if anyone worries about their BMI, considering how it's trumpeted in the media, stop right now and find some other measurement. We are all different.
Went to my usual Thursday night meeting and sometimes I just wish I'd stayed in. As much as I'm trying to practice humility and compassion... I'm not quite there yet! When you go to a meeting don't talk about Buddhism for 10 minutes, or put yourself forward as the AA Messiah who is saving everyone (this guy spoke for 15 minutes in a story telling fashion about his endevour to save this one alcoholic that had turned up at a meeting recently, and I swear half of the story was made up - you could tell from the way he told it and the hesitation). What the chair person was doing I don't know. If I was in that service position I'd probably have tried to moderate the meeting somewhat. When a drunken relapser (bless him) comes in to share for the second time and starts droning on about how Buddhism forbids him to think of his personality and how the 12 steps would destroy his personality, it's probably time to put a cap on it for the sake of the rest of the members.
That's the end of my rant for today. Anyway, I'm grateful I'm not the one who's relapsed. I'm grateful for another sober and fairly productive day (I've raced ahead with my studies, finished a book on Bushido, been to the gym and a meeting). It's pretty good to be me today.
Went to my usual Thursday night meeting and sometimes I just wish I'd stayed in. As much as I'm trying to practice humility and compassion... I'm not quite there yet! When you go to a meeting don't talk about Buddhism for 10 minutes, or put yourself forward as the AA Messiah who is saving everyone (this guy spoke for 15 minutes in a story telling fashion about his endevour to save this one alcoholic that had turned up at a meeting recently, and I swear half of the story was made up - you could tell from the way he told it and the hesitation). What the chair person was doing I don't know. If I was in that service position I'd probably have tried to moderate the meeting somewhat. When a drunken relapser (bless him) comes in to share for the second time and starts droning on about how Buddhism forbids him to think of his personality and how the 12 steps would destroy his personality, it's probably time to put a cap on it for the sake of the rest of the members.
That's the end of my rant for today. Anyway, I'm grateful I'm not the one who's relapsed. I'm grateful for another sober and fairly productive day (I've raced ahead with my studies, finished a book on Bushido, been to the gym and a meeting). It's pretty good to be me today.
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Amazing meeting
Tonight's meeting was nothing short of brilliant. The person doing the main share has been sober since 1976! That's four years before I was born (which I couldn't help but mentioning when it came to my turn to share). Everyone in the room shared and I was struck by the variety of people there tonight. Two of them have only been sober the last few days and are finding their way in a new reality. They both sounded so positive and their honesty was breathtaking. I remember so well what that felt like. In my case it was a mixture of sheer dread and excitement. I was looking forward to the clarity of mind, the physical and (relative) mental well-being, the novelty of it all.
Today I'm grateful for a whole host of things; that I've completed (for now) steps 4 and 5, that I got to experience a refreshing and honest meeting tonight, that things at home are nice and calm, that I have wonderful friends that love and support me, that my best friend is coming home soon, that I've been able to make plans for my 31st birthday knowing that they will actually happen. That'll do!
Today I'm grateful for a whole host of things; that I've completed (for now) steps 4 and 5, that I got to experience a refreshing and honest meeting tonight, that things at home are nice and calm, that I have wonderful friends that love and support me, that my best friend is coming home soon, that I've been able to make plans for my 31st birthday knowing that they will actually happen. That'll do!
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