Record

Day 10! That's a record for this year I think. I was watching telly last night and some characters were suffering from hangovers and all I could think was how happy I am not to have those at the moment. They are horrendous! Not only the headache and nausea but the anxiety, trembling hands and depression. I keep wondering if it's really worth the suffering for the sake of a night's drunkenness? I think not.

To AA or not to AA

I've been encouraged to rejoin the Rooms by my old recovery friends. It's understandable since it helped me get and stay sober for a period of time during which I was floating about on the proverbial pink fluffy cloud only to slowly fade out of the recovery community and into the drinking one. And yes, it undeniably works for some people but I'm very apprehensive to go back in there. I don't like the person I became; an obnoxious, self-congratulatory, know-it-all prick. I don't regret it because it taught me a lot and it served its purpose at the time. But do I risk going back and turn into an insufferable egomaniac again? The other problem on my mind is the smallness of this town and my changed circumstances. Last time around I lived in at work and the boss and my colleagues were all aware of what I was going through and very supportive. There was no need to hide the fact that I was attending meetings. It was encouraged, in fact. Now I have a new job and I was only last week promoted. I don't know the bosses or the staff very well and wouldn't have a clue how they'd react if they found out I attended meetings. Yes, AA is anonymous, but in a small town like this nothing is ever anonymous. In that respect I really miss cities.

So if this is a pro and con list I guess the cons outweigh the pros. So for now I'm going to enjoy my new job and new sobriety for as long as it lasts and not dwell on the past or the what-ifs. Here's to day 7!

Day 6

It's been nearly a week and I'm now really tired. Physically tired in a good way, that is. Maybe my body is trying to heal and repair itself and therefore I don't have as much energy as I should. Hopefully that will soon pass. There's still pain in my liver but I suppose that's to be expected. Might take a few weeks before that dissipates. All in all I feel quite good. I'm wary of getting on the pink fluffy cloud like I did last time. The fall only hurts more... But I will allow myself to feel carefully optimistic and enjoy my hangover free days!

Another thing that feels different this time around is that I'm not absolutely terrified of alcohol. Last time I was very wary of getting it on my hands at work and I certainly didn't appreciate my then BF drinking. Now I don't really care. It's as if I realise that this is my battle and mine alone. It's got nothing to do with work or what people around me do, and I won't get a hangover or liver disease from spilled beer.

Crack of dawn

It feels great to be up at 7am on a Saturday, drinking coffee, checking Facebook and there's not a hangover in sight. No headache, no anxiety, no jitters or shakes. Yay for day 4!

Careful optimism

Yesterday I declared myself sober and although I don't feel all that confident, there was still a sense of optimism as I opened my eyes this morning. A friend texted to see if I wanted to join her at the gym and I actually said yes instead of making up an excuse. I haven't been to the gym since the new year so this is going to be hard. Years ago I wrote about doing the next right thing. I remember it being fairly obvious back then and now I'm struggling to even do the small "right things". Going to the gym today is going to be a good start!

Whatever I don't do today is going to be much harder to do tomorrow. So here's to day 2!

Decision making time

Two days ago I got a promotion and pay rise at work. Last night I drank myself to sleep. I will lose everything if I don't stop drinking. Today I've told my partner and a couple of friends that this is it. I have to stop or I will die. So here's to day 1... again...!

The journey

I'm 33 years old and I still think everything can be achieved overnight. That's how I tackle everything I do. I start something and expect amazing results NOW! Diets, training, studies... sobriety. I have to remember that last time I decided to do something about my drinking it took about 6-9 excruciating months to get to my first sober day. That's a long time of trial and error for someone who wants it all yesterday.

I can't predict how long it's going to take this time. I'm a different person, my drinking is different and the circumstances have changed dramatically. Despite the aching liver, persistent cough and general tiredness, I actually feel optimistic. I have made the decision to embark on the journey of getting and staying sober after a long time of not really knowing what I was doing or where I was going. The inconvenient truth is that if I carry on drinking I might as well give up on my dreams and aspirations. I knew that 4 years ago when I got sober last time, and I know it now.

A return to life?

I think it's quite telling that the title of my last post is "Research" and that I haven't posted in two years. I've started plenty of other blogs with various topics and ideas, none as long-lived and genuine as this one. My constant need for reinventing myself and my life has resulted in a string of failed relationships, ambitions and career moves. The only constant in these two years has been the drinking. Needless to say, I haven't achieved a thing. I've made progress in certain areas only to stop dead with my next binge, and I've become scared of starting anything new as I never know when the binges will start and end.

In other words, I'm back to square one.

I've got an aching liver, bad skin, empty bank account, a new job (same shit, different bar), new living arrangements and yet another relationship. The other day I didn't go outside the house for fear of drinking and/or running into someone I'd seen the night before when I'd had a few too many. On a Tuesday. I watched three films and the BRIT awards and felt oh so sorry for myself.

I'm angry, really fucking angry. At myself, that is, not anyone or anything else. Pure unadulterated anger is flowing in my veins right now and I know exactly what to do. I will beat this shit. I will write about it when I have a good day and I will write about it when I have a bad day, sober or not. I will beat this.