Decision making time

Two days ago I got a promotion and pay rise at work. Last night I drank myself to sleep. I will lose everything if I don't stop drinking. Today I've told my partner and a couple of friends that this is it. I have to stop or I will die. So here's to day 1... again...!

The journey

I'm 33 years old and I still think everything can be achieved overnight. That's how I tackle everything I do. I start something and expect amazing results NOW! Diets, training, studies... sobriety. I have to remember that last time I decided to do something about my drinking it took about 6-9 excruciating months to get to my first sober day. That's a long time of trial and error for someone who wants it all yesterday.

I can't predict how long it's going to take this time. I'm a different person, my drinking is different and the circumstances have changed dramatically. Despite the aching liver, persistent cough and general tiredness, I actually feel optimistic. I have made the decision to embark on the journey of getting and staying sober after a long time of not really knowing what I was doing or where I was going. The inconvenient truth is that if I carry on drinking I might as well give up on my dreams and aspirations. I knew that 4 years ago when I got sober last time, and I know it now.

A return to life?

I think it's quite telling that the title of my last post is "Research" and that I haven't posted in two years. I've started plenty of other blogs with various topics and ideas, none as long-lived and genuine as this one. My constant need for reinventing myself and my life has resulted in a string of failed relationships, ambitions and career moves. The only constant in these two years has been the drinking. Needless to say, I haven't achieved a thing. I've made progress in certain areas only to stop dead with my next binge, and I've become scared of starting anything new as I never know when the binges will start and end.

In other words, I'm back to square one.

I've got an aching liver, bad skin, empty bank account, a new job (same shit, different bar), new living arrangements and yet another relationship. The other day I didn't go outside the house for fear of drinking and/or running into someone I'd seen the night before when I'd had a few too many. On a Tuesday. I watched three films and the BRIT awards and felt oh so sorry for myself.

I'm angry, really fucking angry. At myself, that is, not anyone or anything else. Pure unadulterated anger is flowing in my veins right now and I know exactly what to do. I will beat this shit. I will write about it when I have a good day and I will write about it when I have a bad day, sober or not. I will beat this.

Research

I've been "out there" doing some research. For a good while my mind was playing tricks on me and a few of you will know that I doubted whether I am an alcoholic or not. It was driving me mad. Every single day I was preoccupied by this feeling of "what if?". What if I'm not an alcoholic? What if I'm wasting precious time going to meetings every week? What if all this is just an illusion? What would happen if I started drinking again? This all, naturally enough, led to a trial period of drinking to see where it got me.

I don't want to play anymore. This is serious shit. If I carry on like I am now, I'll be heading towards the same kind of situation that started this whole journey off. I'd need to detox and the period preceding my last detox was the worst time of my life. I do not want to go there again. In fact, I might go back and read all my blog entries from the beginning to remind myself why I stopped drinking in the first place.

I said then that I will never forget. This is for life. Well it is. But on the journey of life I'll come across hurdles. It's up to me if I want to jump them straight on, or try to find a clever way around them "my way". My way was always the bad way, and it still is.

Will 27th of February, 2012 be my new sober date? I don't know. All I know is that I feel like shit and that something has got to change. I know in my heart what it is that needs to be changed; it just needs to reach my head.