A return to life?

I think it's quite telling that the title of my last post is "Research" and that I haven't posted in two years. I've started plenty of other blogs with various topics and ideas, none as long-lived and genuine as this one. My constant need for reinventing myself and my life has resulted in a string of failed relationships, ambitions and career moves. The only constant in these two years has been the drinking. Needless to say, I haven't achieved a thing. I've made progress in certain areas only to stop dead with my next binge, and I've become scared of starting anything new as I never know when the binges will start and end.

In other words, I'm back to square one.

I've got an aching liver, bad skin, empty bank account, a new job (same shit, different bar), new living arrangements and yet another relationship. The other day I didn't go outside the house for fear of drinking and/or running into someone I'd seen the night before when I'd had a few too many. On a Tuesday. I watched three films and the BRIT awards and felt oh so sorry for myself.

I'm angry, really fucking angry. At myself, that is, not anyone or anything else. Pure unadulterated anger is flowing in my veins right now and I know exactly what to do. I will beat this shit. I will write about it when I have a good day and I will write about it when I have a bad day, sober or not. I will beat this.

Research

I've been "out there" doing some research. For a good while my mind was playing tricks on me and a few of you will know that I doubted whether I am an alcoholic or not. It was driving me mad. Every single day I was preoccupied by this feeling of "what if?". What if I'm not an alcoholic? What if I'm wasting precious time going to meetings every week? What if all this is just an illusion? What would happen if I started drinking again? This all, naturally enough, led to a trial period of drinking to see where it got me.

I don't want to play anymore. This is serious shit. If I carry on like I am now, I'll be heading towards the same kind of situation that started this whole journey off. I'd need to detox and the period preceding my last detox was the worst time of my life. I do not want to go there again. In fact, I might go back and read all my blog entries from the beginning to remind myself why I stopped drinking in the first place.

I said then that I will never forget. This is for life. Well it is. But on the journey of life I'll come across hurdles. It's up to me if I want to jump them straight on, or try to find a clever way around them "my way". My way was always the bad way, and it still is.

Will 27th of February, 2012 be my new sober date? I don't know. All I know is that I feel like shit and that something has got to change. I know in my heart what it is that needs to be changed; it just needs to reach my head.