Monday, 27 February 2012


I've been "out there" doing some research. For a good while my mind was playing tricks on me and a few of you will know that I doubted whether I am an alcoholic or not. It was driving me mad. Every single day I was preoccupied by this feeling of "what if?". What if I'm not an alcoholic? What if I'm wasting precious time going to meetings every week? What if all this is just an illusion? What would happen if I started drinking again? This all, naturally enough, led to a trial period of drinking to see where it got me.

I don't want to play anymore. This is serious shit. If I carry on like I am now, I'll be heading towards the same kind of situation that started this whole journey off. I'd need to detox and the period preceding my last detox was the worst time of my life. I do not want to go there again. In fact, I might go back and read all my blog entries from the beginning to remind myself why I stopped drinking in the first place.

I said then that I will never forget. This is for life. Well it is. But on the journey of life I'll come across hurdles. It's up to me if I want to jump them straight on, or try to find a clever way around them "my way". My way was always the bad way, and it still is.

Will 27th of February, 2012 be my new sober date? I don't know. All I know is that I feel like shit and that something has got to change. I know in my heart what it is that needs to be changed; it just needs to reach my head.


  1. Sometimes I just wonder what it would be like if I started drinking wine again. I have to work hard to remind myself how awful it was in the last year or two...because my mind tries to trick me too! It would be so easy to sip a glass of wine... but no no no no no. Hang in there, I'm sending you hugs from Down Under xxx

  2. So what happened? Where are you now!!??

  3. I hope you're doing fine & got away from AA. You don't need the labels, the shame & guilt & the utter BS. You are not diseased or powerless.

  4. Just found your blog but you haven't posted in a year. I did the research thing too and it was so much harder to get back sober afterwards. Took me three years and a lower bottom.

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