Research

I've been "out there" doing some research. For a good while my mind was playing tricks on me and a few of you will know that I doubted whether I am an alcoholic or not. It was driving me mad. Every single day I was preoccupied by this feeling of "what if?". What if I'm not an alcoholic? What if I'm wasting precious time going to meetings every week? What if all this is just an illusion? What would happen if I started drinking again? This all, naturally enough, led to a trial period of drinking to see where it got me.

I don't want to play anymore. This is serious shit. If I carry on like I am now, I'll be heading towards the same kind of situation that started this whole journey off. I'd need to detox and the period preceding my last detox was the worst time of my life. I do not want to go there again. In fact, I might go back and read all my blog entries from the beginning to remind myself why I stopped drinking in the first place.

I said then that I will never forget. This is for life. Well it is. But on the journey of life I'll come across hurdles. It's up to me if I want to jump them straight on, or try to find a clever way around them "my way". My way was always the bad way, and it still is.

Will 27th of February, 2012 be my new sober date? I don't know. All I know is that I feel like shit and that something has got to change. I know in my heart what it is that needs to be changed; it just needs to reach my head.