I don't know where to start really.
It's been a turbulent December with lots going on. I've let recovery take a backseat, still been going to meetings but not been doing much else connected to step work after I finished step 4. I haven't read, prayed or meditated. In short, I drank over Christmas and New Year. Not a lot, and not enough to get drunk or anything "bad" to happen, but still. It still feels like a failure. I thought I felt OK about it until I shared at the meeting tonight and broke down crying. It took me by surprise. I'd probably just ignored the implications of it and only realised once I started talking about it what a massive risk I'm running in doing things like that. It's nothing short of playing with fire and I had a lucky escape (or three). As 2012 now begins I want to do things differently. I need to remember why I went into recovery, remember the things I'm grateful for at the end of each day and put more work into the whole process. I've been far too lazy and caught up in other things and completely forgotten what I'm supposed to be doing. My new sober date is now 1 January 2012 and I'm not going to mess this up. Back to basics; one day at the time; remember and reinforce step 1 and stay safe.
My only resolution for the new year is to not pick up that first drink.
The important thing to remember is that this is something that happens to almost everyone. I work with addicts in heroin rehabs, but no matter what substance one has become hooked on, addiction is a chronic disease. Relapse is, unfortunately, a very common problem. I think the key is neither to beat yourself up nor to make excuses. Just keep moving forward, and you'll make it. God bless.
ReplyDelete