Thoughts

What I want

I want to wake up in the morning with a clear head - to be able to look out at the morning sun and enjoy it. I want to be able to walk up the stairs without feeling faint and light-headed. I want to be able to sit and read a book without scratching my skin raw from the itching. I want to be able to concentrate on whatever I am doing and do a good job of it. I want to be able to manage my finances without constantly being in the red and out of control. I want to go to sleep naturally at night and wake up refreshed. I want to be able to enjoy my partner, emotionally and physically without feeling numb. I want to enjoy my own body without feeling revulsion and self-pity. I want to be strong and agile. 

What I do not want

I don’t want to wonder what I did last night. I don’t want to feel anxious and nervous. I don’t want shaky hands or a body dripping with sweat. I don’t want to work in a haze of last night’s alcohol intake and count down the hours and minutes until my shift is over. I don’t want to look at people and smile – pretend I’m ok – when all I want to do is disappear. I don’t want to feel as if I’m killing myself slowly. I don’t want to die.

Countdown

10 days. My appointment with a detox doctor is in 10 days. Week Thursday.

I've managed to moderate my drinking somewhat during the weeks. When the weekend comes around it's infinitely harder. Especially if there is an argument hanging in the air, which was the case this friday just gone. Strangley, I made up with my boyfriend before I got drunk, but then somehow during the evening I forgot all about moderation and good intentions and without making a concsious decision about it, proceeded to get absolutely smashed. Consequently I missed the AA meeting the next morning and didn't even remember it until later on in the afternoon when I slowly came to. I've had to pay for that slip up for two days with headaches and anxiety, still today I don't feel right. During the Saturday I was drinking slowly throughout the day to stop myself from going mad, yesterday I managed to only have 3 small (125ml) glasses of wine which for me even for a normal weekday is extremely little. I thank the Sunday AA meeting for that. It stops me from drinking before the meeting, even though I usually have one in the afternoon, and it makes me not fancy a drink after. So good all around really... I just wish I was in recovery now so I could start doing the proper work. 

Memories

Today I thought I'd stay off the wine for as long as I possibly could to observe the withdrawal symptoms. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. At first all that happened was that I felt that I had a lot of energy towards the afternoon. Later on my heart rate went through the roof, or that's what it felt like. I was sweating and feeling nervous. I told myself to be strong and wait at least until I'd finished work about 8.30pm. I managed to do that but could not wait for that first glass of wine even though I didn't really fancy it. Or.. my mind didn't want it but my brain certainly did.

I had a memory from my teenage days come back to me today. I always say that I didn't drink before legal age but I did have an episode where I went to a party at the age of 16 (or 17) and decided it was time for a good drink. I wasn't a drinker and didn't know my limits at all. I bought a half bottle of voda and a bottle of Sprite to mix it with. I found a third bottle of water that I emptied and mixed the Sprite and vodka almost half and half. I remember it tasting awful. As we were underage we went up the woods and drank some out of sight. It was a struggle but as I worked myself through the bottle it got easier. I had soon finished it but it hadn't hit me yet. We went to a house party and I was soon so wrecked I was crying and making a complete fool of myself. I don't remember much after that but I have a vauge memory of being laid down in a room upstairs to sleep it all off. At some point I woke up and there was someone trying to get my trousers off and I remember somebody else telling this person to leave me alone, then I passed out again. I'm pretty sure I didn't think of that incident for a long time. I can't even remember if I suffered from a hangover the next day. But that foggy memory of someone trying to get my trousers off as I lay there passed out came back to me years later and it is something that I remember every now and again. I never used to dwell on it, but now I think I should remember it as the first time I put myself in real danger through drinking.

A First

I went to my first AA meeting today, awfully nervous and even a bit doubtful. I haven’t yet stopped drinking and I was questioning whether I had any business being there. I quickly discovered there was nothing to worry about in that respect. The people were incredibly open and supportive and within seconds of the end of the meeting I had two telephone numbers. The stories that were shared were both scary and full of hope in regards to recovery. I even managed to share a little myself as an introduction and I made sure to mention that I haven’t yet stopped drinking but that I have a desire to do so. I was shaking and sweating and I’m sure my voice trembled but at the end of it I just felt relief. I knew that if I didn’t speak early, I’d find it harder by the day to open up. I was shown some useful literature and I made a mental note of bringing some money with me for the next meeting. All in all it felt really good and I will follow the advice to go to as many meetings as possible.

Written 8-5-2011

Tomorrow

I got a phone call today from Turning Point to say that I can come in tomorrow morning to start my assessment for treatment. I'm nervous, excited... Feel ready but not at the same time. I've been waiting for that phone call for what feels like forever and it almost feels a bit surreal that it's actually happening. I'm scared but hopeful. 

I haven't really thought much about the possibility for a relapse. It feels like spending time thinking about that will stop me from concentrating on the here and now. This is my first time for treatment and I have no idea what to expect. I have read so many blogs and articles about alcohol recovery it feels like I know it all. I might know a lot about other people's experiences but we are all different and I just can't even begin to imagine how this is going to turn out for me personally. Obviously the plan is to get sober and get my life back but from what I can gather, it's rarely that straightforward! I have yet to come across a story where the alcoholic managed to stay sober from the first attempt and that scares me. My way of thinking hasn't really adjusted to this situation and maybe I need to meet other people in the same situation to better understand what's going on.

There are three AA meetings in this town, but as a bar manager I feel reluctant to attend these as I’m sure I’ll run in to a few locals that I know. Maybe this is the wrong way to think and perhaps I would benefit from being more public about what I’m going through. As you can probably tell, my head is a mess and the confusion is exhausting. All these questions and fears! I’m so lucky to have an understanding boss and a very forgiving partner, also my close friends know what’s going on and they are all very supportive.

The beginning

I’m a 30-year-old woman on the doorstep to what is hopefully going to be a “new life”. Hopefully it will be a life of clarity and sobriety, more happiness, and better relationships with my loved ones. It all probably sounds incredibly cliché but it kind of crept up on me. The alcoholism. 

It all started out pretty normal. At 18 I started going out clubbing with my brother, sister, and friends. I would drink a lot and always be the one to want the party to go on until the sun came up. Then I would suffer terrible hangovers, sometimes I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed until 9pm the following evening. I never drank during the week and always worked hard at college with above average grades. I was doing sports and going to the gym during lunch hour, all in all a very good girl. The weekend binges continued throughout college and when it was time to graduate, we all went out on a good three-day bender. I never really thought about it, it was all normal stuff and I wasn’t alone.

I got in to university and suddenly found myself with lots of time on my hands. We were expected to do course work at home and only had a few lectures a week and the student pub would be open on Wednesdays and Saturdays. To get to know the people in my class and campus I started going out drinking at every opportunity. I never reflected on the fact that I seemed to be the only one who was always out. It would start with a bottle of cheap wine at home and then bottles of beer at the pub. The inevitable hangovers affected my course work and attendance but I still never thought about it. I just carried on. I was a student having fun.

In the end I found a subject I really enjoyed and loved. I started taking on multiple courses simultaneously and suddenly had a lot of work to do. At one point I thought I’d take a break from partying and vowed I would not drink for a whole year. I still didn’t think I had a drinking problem. It lasted six months on the dot and I boy did I get a lot done, not just course work, but also in my spiritual and personal life. I enjoyed exercising, reading, doing art, you name it. The decision to start drinking again was based on the fact that I had become sensitive to being around my friends who were drinking and I felt as if I was becoming a bitter bore. So I reintroduced alcohol into my life.

I was getting increasingly depressed and on two separate occasions I was put on anti-depressants and tranquilisers. The first time they seemed to just keep me going from day to day. At this point I was frequently drinking a bottle of wine on my own at night I think mainly to calm the anxiety and help me sleep. I got out of it and continued my studies and working on the side. Then the next bout of depression hit me in the head like a brick. Another lot of anti-depressants which sent me completely mad, although I didn’t know it at the time. It was time for a holiday. I went to England and never came back. I left behind my dear friends and family, my cat had enough and ran away, I never finished my studies and never told my boss I quit. I left behind a heap of debts. None of it mattered. My new life in England was fuelled by booze and, to begin with, drugs.

By now I was drinking most days, but was able to have a couple of dry days a week when I felt rough. I found a job and a passion for the hospitality industry. I still didn’t think of my drinking as a major problem.”Everyone” was doing it and it felt great to be part of a community. From then on I had periods of heavy drinking, sometimes 10 pints of premium lager every night for a week, which is a lot for a 10 stone 26-year-old woman. Somehow I still didn’t consider myself an alcoholic. I was just a party girl. Always there shouting “one more!”.

The rest is history and takes us up to today. I now drink at least a bottle of wine of an evening, often more. I don’t go out partying much anymore, but occasionally I’ll go on a bender with friends. I frequently wake up with the shakes, covered in sweat and wondering what the hell I am doing. The anxiety is crippling at times and I get all sorts of withdrawal symptoms. I am now signed up to do a medicated detox with our local alcohol unit, and my road to what I hope will be recovery, is what this blog is going to be about.