What I want
I want to wake up in the morning with a clear head - to be able to look out at the morning sun and enjoy it. I want to be able to walk up the stairs without feeling faint and light-headed. I want to be able to sit and read a book without scratching my skin raw from the itching. I want to be able to concentrate on whatever I am doing and do a good job of it. I want to be able to manage my finances without constantly being in the red and out of control. I want to go to sleep naturally at night and wake up refreshed. I want to be able to enjoy my partner, emotionally and physically without feeling numb. I want to enjoy my own body without feeling revulsion and self-pity. I want to be strong and agile.
What I do not want
I don’t want to wonder what I did last night. I don’t want to feel anxious and nervous. I don’t want shaky hands or a body dripping with sweat. I don’t want to work in a haze of last night’s alcohol intake and count down the hours and minutes until my shift is over. I don’t want to look at people and smile – pretend I’m ok – when all I want to do is disappear. I don’t want to feel as if I’m killing myself slowly. I don’t want to die.