Tuesday, 7 June 2011

First day

I have not had a drink today. It is my first sober day in more or less 6 months. I was started on a medicated detox this morning and had my last sip (or rather big gulp) of alcohol at midnight last night. I'm on Librium which is some sort of sedative designed to take the edge of the withdrawal symptoms and it seems to working alright. I've been asleep on and off all day, trying to read and watch TV in between. I feel elated and tired at the same time, and it's not going very well with my boyfriend. There's tension in the air and it is affecting me quite badly. However, I must remember to separate myself from other people, even my partner. My sobriety must come first in all events and I must not let anybody or anything get in the way of that. The arguments today are by no means my partners fault. I'm super sensitive and took something he did the wrong way and started making an issue out of it. I've tried to apologise but he is fed up with the whole thing. We were talking about calling it a day and that frightens me even though I can see it would be for the best for both of us. There's not much trust between us, a lot of stuff has happened in the past, and neither of us seems to be able to let it go and move on even though we keep trying. 

So much for trying to separate myself from other people, but there we go. I should be focusing on the good things happening right now. 
I'm finally where I want to be in terms of early recovery. I've been waiting for this moment since the end of February and it has been a long and frustrating journey to get here. To not be able to stop drinking safely, or at all, I'm an alcoholic after all, has taken its toll both physically and mentally. Now I've finally started the process and I'm really excited about the future even though I know there's gonna be a lot of hard work. Hard work to stay sober and remember why I can't drink - try and sort out all the debt I've put myself in - catch up with university work - make amends with myself and other people - get fit and able again... Basically catch up on all the responsibility that I've hidden from by slowly killing myself with alcohol.

AA is going to be of great help, I know that for a fact. I've already been to several meetings while I was still drinking but desperate to stop. I was made to feel so welcome and nobody judged me for the fact that I was till an active alcoholic. They all understood which is a fantastic feeling. I've found a great friend in one of the women who has been extremely supportive and given me great advice. 

I raise my cup of cherry and cinnamon tea to the future! Cheers!

No comments:

Post a Comment