Learning

I went to an AA meeting today, which was good. It was about step 8, about making amends to people that you have hurt in your drinking days. I haven't done any step work yet as it is early days, apart from step 1 of course, which I've been doing for the past three months or so. It was a new experience to go to a step meeting, as we all had to read a passage about the particular step of the day. I saw someone I know there today, a person that I've had resentment against in the past to some degree, but it all disappeared when I saw him. In the break we embraced and I felt like we finally understood each other on a deeper level. He seems to be doing well in his life and I am happy to know that. When I knew him a few years ago I very rarely saw him sober or without drugs, and he rarely saw me sober either. That meant that we sometimes "clicked" and sometimes were like strangers. Today he spoke in a way I've never heard him speak before and it was as if had changed as a person, which he most likely has.

Anyway, I'm slowly learning to appreciate and separate myself from other people. Again this evening I ended up having an argument with my partner where I felt that he wasn't supporting of me with what I'm going through and it ended badly with me storming off to a friend's house. She comforted me and fed me cake and tea while I was chain smoking and moaning. She said something I hadn't really thought about while being totally selfabsorbed... She said maybe C. finds this process harder than you think, and he is not talking about it or showing it any way. Instead he is trying to distance himself. I hadn't really thought about it, and it was hard to take it to heart when my friend said this at the time. Then I came home and he apologised for being selfish and not seeing to my needs. I was surprised and so grateful and we had a long cuddle. So it's all good for the time being. But while the bad things were going on I was really craving a glass of wine (or 8)... But I held out and it was worth it. Most importantly I also apologised for putting such pressure on him when there is really no need. This is my problem at the end of the day and all he has to do is to be there for me as much as he can. He is not me and I'm not him.

I'm grateful that I haven't taken a drink today.