Settling down

My mind is settling down somewhat. This is a good thing. Right now it's not a good idea to do too much thinking. The meetings have helped, and the people at particularly my homegroup have been amazing, as has my sponsor. Which brings us neatly to gratitude, and about time too!

I'm grateful that it's not a struggle today. Sobriety feels instinctive rather than forced. My training is going great, making loads of progress at the gym and with my running. Running has also stopped being a major struggle. Cutting down on smoking helps too. I've decided that it doesn't really matter if I'm an alcoholic or not. The label means nothing (to me personally). All I have to remember is that if I pick up a drink today, I won't be able to do the things I want to do tomorrow. One day at the time etc.

How do I know?

How do I know for sure? My perception of reality has changed a lot since the "slip". The doubt is overwhelming. I'm not so sure anymore. Am I falling into the classic trap of thinking I'm ok? In the Big Book it says that if you're in doubt go to the nearest bar room etc etc.

One of my problems is that I'm always trying to be the "good girl" in all situations. Now I have loads of people around me, counting on me to stick with the program. People taking stock of everything I say and do. Readers who've seen what I've been through. And on the other side, there is me, doubting everything that has happened. I'm doubting everything; my motives, what happened, what's going to happen next, why I'm feeling like this and so on and so forth ad infinitum.

I really wish I'd stayed more quiet. Not with regards to AA, but in my daily life. Too many people have heard me say too many things out loud. I can't get away from it. And I'm sure it's spreading too. The problem is that I myself am doubting the things I've said to a certain extent. What's real?

It feels like there is no turning back. I know that there is no person or thing that can stop me. But because I'm a "good girl" and I worry about what people might think of me if I so called "change my mind" (which I know sounds absurd)... I can't. That's how I feel. And I'm frustrated, not because I want to drink (because I don't), but because I don't feel as if I have a choice in the sense that it would be comfortable to make that choice.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense at all. I'm driving myself mad with all this cr#p going around in my head.

Handing over

I am now handing it over. The exam is tomorrow morning and I am done revising. Not that I've revised enough. Not even remotely so, but I can't physically or mentally do anymore. My sponsor suggested I pray for information to stay in my head, for the right questions to come up and for peace so that I can concentrate on the task at hand (not her words). It makes sense and I will do this before going to bed tonight. I'm going to have an early night and make sure I'm as rested as possible tomorrow. The location for the exam is about an hours drive away so I'll have to get up early and make sure I eat a good breakfast. A friend has kindly agreed to take me there so at least I don't have to endure the bus journey and the task of finding the place. I've also decided that I'm going to reward myself afterwards with a shopping spree, a very moderate one as I'm short on funds, but it seems like a better idea than my past "rewards", ie a bottle of wine or two.

Good luck, me!

Making slow progress

When faced with a difficult situation I used to feel like I was slapped in the face, and sometimes I still do. Lately I seem to have been able to take a step back after the initial shock of it, take a few deep breaths and do the next right thing. It is so difficult to change habits, especially when it feels like they are programmed into your very physical body. It's like trying to control hunger or thirst. In the HALT system I seem to be able to handle hunger, loneliness and tiredness, but the thing that gets me every time is anger. When I get angry it possesses me and it feels like I get separated from myself, split into two entities, one that is "doing" and another that is "observing". The observing part of me wonders what the hell the doing one is up to. I'll hear myself expressing the anger and resentment, moaning and groaning, trying to control a situation that I'm totally powerless over. I'll try to tweak things to my advantage and reach desired outcomes. In relationships with other people this very seldom works. And it shouldn't work. It's all about handing over my will, and I am truly crap at it.

Today I have managed to work all day and do my planned revision for the upcoming exam. For this I am grateful. I missed a meeting today which makes me feel a bit unhinged, but there was no way I could have done my work today if I'd gone to it. Doing the next right thing. Sooooo hard!

But now I have to stop complaining and go to bed so that I can get up and go the gym in the morning with my sponsor. It will be nice to have a chat with her in the car. I'm looking forward to waking up without a hangover, without anxiety and with a clear head.

Stress

And lots of it... I have an exam coming up next Thursday and it's freaking me out a lot. The material is huge! However, I have written down a revision plan for each day leading up to the day, and so far so good. I also remembered something my sponsor said when I moaned about having a bad day: "Start your day again." That is just so simple and wise. I also remembered that I can always do the "next right thing" which again is so apt today. The meeting this evening was a heated discussion about traditions 6 and 10. It was interesting once the initial frustration wore off. I'm just grateful there wasn't any newcomers at that particular meeting. If I had been one, I'd probably left in the break and gone home for a glass of wine as it seemed a bit over the top and aggressive at times. But I wasn't, and I didn't.

Today I'm grateful for the support and guidance of my sponsor who's also going through a very rough time in her life. I pray that all will go well for her. I'm grateful for another sober and conflict free day.