Friday, 7 October 2011

Making slow progress

When faced with a difficult situation I used to feel like I was slapped in the face, and sometimes I still do. Lately I seem to have been able to take a step back after the initial shock of it, take a few deep breaths and do the next right thing. It is so difficult to change habits, especially when it feels like they are programmed into your very physical body. It's like trying to control hunger or thirst. In the HALT system I seem to be able to handle hunger, loneliness and tiredness, but the thing that gets me every time is anger. When I get angry it possesses me and it feels like I get separated from myself, split into two entities, one that is "doing" and another that is "observing". The observing part of me wonders what the hell the doing one is up to. I'll hear myself expressing the anger and resentment, moaning and groaning, trying to control a situation that I'm totally powerless over. I'll try to tweak things to my advantage and reach desired outcomes. In relationships with other people this very seldom works. And it shouldn't work. It's all about handing over my will, and I am truly crap at it.

Today I have managed to work all day and do my planned revision for the upcoming exam. For this I am grateful. I missed a meeting today which makes me feel a bit unhinged, but there was no way I could have done my work today if I'd gone to it. Doing the next right thing. Sooooo hard!

But now I have to stop complaining and go to bed so that I can get up and go the gym in the morning with my sponsor. It will be nice to have a chat with her in the car. I'm looking forward to waking up without a hangover, without anxiety and with a clear head.

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