Friday, 21 October 2011

How do I know?

How do I know for sure? My perception of reality has changed a lot since the "slip". The doubt is overwhelming. I'm not so sure anymore. Am I falling into the classic trap of thinking I'm ok? In the Big Book it says that if you're in doubt go to the nearest bar room etc etc.

One of my problems is that I'm always trying to be the "good girl" in all situations. Now I have loads of people around me, counting on me to stick with the program. People taking stock of everything I say and do. Readers who've seen what I've been through. And on the other side, there is me, doubting everything that has happened. I'm doubting everything; my motives, what happened, what's going to happen next, why I'm feeling like this and so on and so forth ad infinitum.

I really wish I'd stayed more quiet. Not with regards to AA, but in my daily life. Too many people have heard me say too many things out loud. I can't get away from it. And I'm sure it's spreading too. The problem is that I myself am doubting the things I've said to a certain extent. What's real?

It feels like there is no turning back. I know that there is no person or thing that can stop me. But because I'm a "good girl" and I worry about what people might think of me if I so called "change my mind" (which I know sounds absurd)... I can't. That's how I feel. And I'm frustrated, not because I want to drink (because I don't), but because I don't feel as if I have a choice in the sense that it would be comfortable to make that choice.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense at all. I'm driving myself mad with all this cr#p going around in my head.


  1. "Our greatest challenge to couple conviction with doubt. By conviction, I mean some pragmatically developed faith, trust, or centeredness; and by doubt I mean openness to the ongoing changeability, mystery, and fallibility of the conviction."
    ~ Kirk Schneider, 1999.
    Ok, so you have your trust and convictions, now you also know how things can change. But please don't self-censor and 'think before you speak' - that is the slippery slope of saying basically nothing and being a bland inoffensive bore.
    Without some color and conviction you become just another consumer standing at the checkout grumbling about the weather or interest rates.

  2. I can't believe I haven't found your blog until now, it looks as if we've been on the same journey. I started my blog a little over a year ago because I couldn't find any out there about the journey, lots of successes out there but nobody that was going through what I was. I, too, find my self committing myself more and more to my recovery by sharing with others my plans and dreams. It's scary but also a great incentive. We alcoholics tend to be people pleasers, it is not totally a bad thing, we just have to remember to please ourselves first. I can't wait to read through the rest of your blog. Have a good day.