Drug dream

Ok, hold on a minute.

My drug of choice was always alcohol. During my first six months in England I also used cocaine at the weekends, but drink was always my primary drug. The night before last I had a drinking dream, last night I dreamt that I took some kind of prescription drug at a house party and started feeling really strange and horrible. I said to the people at the party that I'm teetotal and don't do very well with drugs, I feel uncomfortable, I want to go home. Then it was sort of a struggle to leave that place. They offered me coke and pills and wanted me to stay. Just like with the taste of the lager, the feeling of strangeness from taking that pill felt so real and I can recall the feeling still now. There was no drink at that party and it was all very odd.

When I was a kid we were always told that alcohol was the gateway to using heavier drugs as a means of putting us off (that didn't work). But I didn't realise that applied to dreams about it as well!

I wonder if this came about because I met someone at the meeting last night who said that if I ever needed a meeting but couldn't get to AA on a given day, there was always NA, where they consider alcohol a drug. This sparked a bit of a heated debate with another member who didn't think you should go to NA unless you are addicted to drugs. I felt uncomfortable and was happy to leave.

Tonight I'm going to one of my two favourite meetings. I'm very much looking forward to that.

Drinking dream

There's a first time for everything.

I've read about drinking dreams on various blog and feared that I'd be plagued by these once I stopped drinking, which would only be expected as drinking was such an ingrained part of my daily routine. So far I've been spared as far as I know (one can't be expected to remember all dreams). However, last night I had one. I can't remember the particulars of the dream, nor how I ended up taking a drink it, but I do remember that I felt as if I had taken that drink by mistake, sort of forgetting that I was no longer drinking. The taste of that half a lager, which is something I haven't touched in months (my drink was wine and bourbon) lingered in my mouth for a long time afterwards in the dream and I remember thinking "oh my god, I've had a drink, I'm not supposed to, I better not fall off the waggon" and then the ensuing panic. Thankfully I got woken up at this point. How real that taste of lager was!

So what triggered this dream? I'm not sure but me and my partner had cross words at bedtime and I went to bed angry thinking about the fact that I'd normally have a drink on these feelings and how good it'd be if I had a way of numbing myself right now. I didn't actually want a drink, but I was thinking about it. Maybe this was the trigger.

It's been exactly one month today since I had my first sober day on 7 June. At the moment I don't fancy a drink and I don't fancy another drinking dream. I'm very grateful for everything that I've got and need to find a way of dealing with this frustration and anger inside.

One day at the time.

30 Days

Today (Wednesday) I have been 30 days sober. So far so good. I went down to the bar (I live on top of the pub I work in) to get a bar of chocolate earlier, and as it happens it's located in the same fridge as the wine I used to drink. It felt strange as normally I would have been pulling out a bottle (at this time of night probably bottle no 2) from that fridge but now it's bars of chocolate... Talking of chocolate. I've never known myself to have such a sweetooth as after I got sober. There's no end to the amounts of busquits and bars of chocolate I can consume now whereas before I used to make a face everytime someone suggested I should have a sweet. I guess I'm making up for the sugar I used to get from the wine!

Today I'm grateful for the fact that I was able to get up at 7.30am to get ready for the beer delivery that normally arrives about 8am. This without headache, sweats, shakes and/or anxiety. Oh and that uncontrollable thirst after a heavy night. Yuk! I don't miss that at all.

Time for some Gratitude

I'm grateful for the fact that I can study and understand what I'm doing. In fact, I'm on schedule with my course work for the first time since I started it almost two years ago. While I was drinking, even though I didn't study while I was drunk, I was clearly mentally affected by the fact that I drank heavily every night. I looked through some earlier material today and can't even remember doing the work that I've done. It's pretty scary and will prove difficult when it's time to tie all the material together for the final exam. I'll just have to spend some time re-reading I guess.

I'm grateful for having a more stable mood and not have that jo-jo effect where my moods would be elevated one minute, then dark and miserable the next with no way of knowing what would trigger it. It would not only affect me but the people close to me as well.

I'm grateful for actually wanting to get out of bed in the morning to face a new day. Even going to bed is enjoyable now whereas it used to be filled with dread - "if I go to bed I'll have to face tomorrow shortly - aaargh", which prompted a few more drinks to garantuee passing out. Before I stopped drinking I dreaded sleepless nights, but thankfully they haven't materialised.

I'm grateful for my sponsor who is a very sweet and interesting woman with so much to give. She keeps me grounded. 

My life is far from perfect and there's lots more work to do, but I think it's important to remember the good things and be grateful for them. I've learnt that it's an important part of recovery.

Social contexts

I never really realised how affected we are by our social context, the friends we surround ourselves with. I always knew it on a theoretical level but never really seen it. In the meeting tonight this guy was telling his story about how his life of alcohol fuelled crime and violence seemed perfectly normal and something that "everybody" does. It made me think of how I used to justify, albeit unknowingly, my abnormal behaviour patterns. Things like not paying bills on time, always accruing more debt, leaving tabs unpaid for ages, not sorting out paperwork etc, all seemed perfectly acceptable and normal as my boozing friends had much worse stories to tell about debt collectors knocking on the door and what not. If I was ever told off by a more sensible friend of mine, I would worry, get anxious and promptly go to the pub to be amongst my drinking buddies again and after a couple of glasses of wine feel a whole lot better... At least until I woke up the next morning with even less money and self respect.

I have now started to very, very slowly look at the financial mess I've gotten myself into. It's not a pretty sight but I think it could have been much worse. It may seem unmanagable right now, but I know that, really, nothing is unmanagable so long as I don't take that first drink. Somebody was talking about baby steps the other day and that's a good way to look at it. Slowly but surely I'm regaining control over my life and the things I can't control I need to leave be. The Serenity Prayer right there!

The plant is still alive, by the way.

Movies

I watched two movies today while my partner was away. One was "Eat, Pray, Love" with Julia Roberts. That was a pretty mediocre film to be honest, but had a few good bits in it. One was a quote that said something along the lines of "you have to choose your thoughts in the same way that you choose your clothes in the morning". I really wish I could do that more, however, I do find it easier without the alcohol. While I was drinking I was trying to control everything and my thoughts raced around in my head like a storm. They were unstoppable and all reasoning went out the window. So in my pursuit of being in total control I was in fact totally and utterly out of control. Insane.

The other bit that caught my attention was a man in the movie who told his story about how alcohol ruined his life. It was a pretty harrowing story and not one that I can relate to, but it was a good reminder of what could have been. A reminder of what I'm doing now and why I'm doing it. Even though the film as such wasn't very good (I wouldn't recommend it to anyone), it still made me think of the most unexpected things.

Film number two was "While You Were Sleeping" with Sandra Bullock. Ok, the story is a bit unbelievable and it's soppy but I do have a weakness for Sandra Bullock. Not quite sure why. I really love her in 28 Days - and talking of 28 Days - my sponsor gave me a plant yesterday! Now that's a gift with meaning...

Tales of relapse

This evening's meeting was unusually intense. A man came that had relapsed after two months of sobriety and he had taken a drink today. He was clearly drunk and shared for a long time until he was cut off by the person who chaired the meeting. There was a lot of love in that room tonight. Other people shared about how they appreciated his story, that they needed to hear it and they also talked about their own relapses. They gave him support and a big welcome back to the rooms (which is amazing). While he was talking, however, I struggled with my feelings. I didn't feel love. I cringed and felt very uncomfortable.

When thinking about it I realise that this is probably a reflection of the fact that I am only 25 days into recovery myself. Also full of character defects while not aware of a fraction of them. Maybe his story and state scared me because I haven't even reached a month yet. Self, self, self. I don't know. It was confusing and educational at the same time. I'm glad I experienced it but while it was going on I just wanted to disappear - I guess I didn't feel as safe as I usually do in the rooms.

But that's just me. For now.