Good morning!

I'm very proud to say that I was asked to do a main share at a meeting this week. It sort of came out of the blue for me as I have under 3 months of sobriety but I happily accepted and I'm happy to say it went well. I got a lot of good feedback. I was so nervous, though, and would have liked to say many other things, but there will be more opportunities for that I'm sure. It came at the right time for me as during the week prior to that I'd been thinking about the nature of my alcoholism and wether it was actually "that bad". The thought is probably familiar to most recovering alcoholics who didn't end up with DUIs, lost homes, lost families etc. As I was telling my story it became clear that, yes, it really was that bad, and that the best thing I've ever done in my life was to stop drinking.

I'm grateful to be sober, to my partner who is back in my life, to my friends who are bringing me a bike today that I can use for getting to the gym and back, to my sponsor who keeps me grounded, to AA which keeps me sane and to my Higher Power who keeps putting things my way that I need just at the right time.

Disconnected

It's been a hectic week emotionally. One of my best friends is back in town for a couple of weeks and we have been spending some time together. We've been to our local where she and her partner have been drinking while I've been trying different soft drinks. I never realised how expensive it is to not drink alcohol. I had to pay £1.35 for a baby bottle of ginger ale which fills up half a tumbler! It lasted me about 2 minutes.

I don't find it that hard to spend time with friends in the pub even though they are drinking, however, unhelpful thoughts do creep in while I'm there. In the last couple of days thoughts about whether I'm actually an alcoholic or not have appeared, not in a major way, but enough to unsettle me a little. I've been thinking maybe I was just physically addicted to alcohol because I had overindulged, maybe I'm not actually an alcoholic as such? Usually when these thoughts appear they only linger for a split second before I allocate them to the rubbish heap where they belong. This time they stuck for a bit longer than that. I put this down to the fact that me and my partner are separating, that I've been spending more time down the pub with drinking friends, that I haven't been to a meeting since Sunday night until tonight and I haven't picked up the phone to my sponsor enough. In that light it all makes sense.

It all feels a bit unreal. I felt as if I reconnected with my partner over the weekend. I felt so much love and affection for him and I couldn't get enough of him. Then Tuesday morning I caught him lying and going behind my back again, something I really can't handle sober or not. We had a brief conversation and we both admitted we're not happy and that we probably should call it a day. Since then we have hardly spoken at all. He stays up all night or sleeps in the spare room, I sleep in our bed feeling a bit out of place as it's technically his bed. I'm gonna leave it like this for a while and see how it unfolds. He doesn't act as if he's too bothered about it. A fear at the moment is that he's going to come back wanting intimacy when he starts missing it and I'm not going to be strong enough to say no as by that point I will probably be missing it too. And as we still live in the same flat, it might be hard to avoid falling into that trap. Oh well.

At least I'm sober and I feel grateful for that. I'm grateful for the meeting tonight where I had a chance to vent my thoughts and be "put right", and also to my sponsor who listened to me tonight when I really needed it. I don't think I could have made it this far without her.

Utter lack of compassion

I can pat myself on the back all day long for the fact that I'm sober and not picking up a drink but there is something obviously missing in my recovery so far and that is compassion for people who relapse. A woman I know had a rough day and ended up drinking (again) and came to the meeting I went to earlier this evening. She was loud and disruptive throughout and I was amazed at the patience everyone showed. She obviously needed a meeting but I'm seriously doubting how much she got out of being there in that state. She interfered in other people's shares and shared three times herself and I just found myself wanting to leave. Towards the end I actually went to the ladies' room even though I didn't really need to, just to get away for a few minutes. I feel like a horrible person but I could not stop feeling uncomfortable and essentially unsafe. I go to meetings because they are safe, they are filled with people like me, the only drink available is tea and coffee. Sitting next to someone who reeks of vodka just doesn't suit me right now. Call me selfish. I desperately want to feel differently and do hope I acted differently (I talked to her and tried to encourage her about starting again tomorrow, keep coming back etc etc) yet I'm so wound up. Maybe it's just a reflection on how early on in my recovery I still am - there's still a lot of work to do. My sponsor suggested that I might feel like this because I'm trying to help this woman in recovery, which I have tried doing over a period of time, and that seeing her struggle gets to me because of that. Maybe. She is probably right as usual. One day I might end up in a big mess myself, relapse, and need the support of AA members to get on my feet again, but I'd hate to think that I'd go to a meeting drunk and potentially make other people uncomfortable. My head is a mess and it's time to think about gratitude.

I am grateful for having had a couple of nice days and nights with my partner. I feel that we've reconnected somehow which is really lovely. I am grateful that one of my best friends is coming home for two weeks on Monday and that I'm gonna be spending some much needed time with her. I can't wait! I'm grateful for the fact that I'm not restricted by alcohol anymore - that I was able to get up this morning, put my trainers on, march over to the gym, do some shopping, and march back home again. Even though it's Saturday night I can look forward to waking up tomorrow with a clear head and choosing if I want to stay in bed and be lazy just because I can, or go to the gym... also just because I can! It's the simple things in life...

Exercise in Sobriety

Ever since I was a young teenager I was involved in sports and fitness. As I approached my twenties I was very fit and managed to keep it that way for a couple of years. Through university I got a bit lazy, largely due to boozing and smoking but even then I had periods in which I would force myself to go out running or go to the gym. Towards my mid to late twenties I found myself boozing more than anything else, really. I quickly got very unfit and every time I embarked on a fitness regime it only ever lasted for a week, maybe two. Every time I went back to the gym I had to start all over again. It's enough to suck all motivation out of you. Towards the end it became a health hazard to even venture out for a walk up the High Street. In sobriety, however, I find myself embracing what comes naturally to me and what has always been a part of my life, something I love doing. I now swim and/or go the gym almost every day of the week and I absolutely love it! I might have swapped one obsession for another but I really don't give a toss. I love it, it keeps me fit and energetic and I can now wear my tiny size 10 (UK) Lee jeans that I've had for 1,5 years but never managed to button up (a little vanity is allowed, surely?)!

I did a big chunk of step 4 work with my sponsor on Monday. It was draining to say the least and there's a lot left to do. I can feel slight changes in my behaviour, if not my feelings, even though they seem to have cooled down somewhat too. It's a relief to see that things are starting to happen in that department. There's really nothing like step work to put things in perspective and I realise I've been a self-indulgent little shit with huge amounts of control issues. And I still am.

2 Months

Yesterday was my two-month birthday and it made me think back over the past weeks of sobriety. It feels like it's been a lot longer than two months. Six months would have made more sense. This might be because I've been able to do so much more than I would have in two months of active alcoholism. In fact, I don't think I would have been able to do as much in a year as I've done in the past two months. It fills me with gratitude and an overwhelming sense of having made the right choice; to ask for help and get sober.

My journey so far has been simple but not easy, if that makes any sense. It's been simple in the sense that I've followed a simple program - go to meetings, don't pick up a drink, one day at the time. It's been hard to experience emotions at full speed without the crutch that was alcohol every time there was some emotional turmoil or conflict. It's been (selfishly) hard dealing with other people's addictions and other "short-comings" while dealing with my own. I've had to look at myself - my actions, reactions, thoughts and feelings in a new light (as opposed to no light at all). I am utterly crap at looking at myself. I'm getting better through step work but jeeez... I just want to curl up under a duvet and hide!

On the whole I'm enjoying the process of getting to know myself regardless of the uncomfortable truths that keep surfacing. I am sober today and nothing else really matters. Thank You God(s).

I don't get it

I don't get it at all. I just read my last post and blushed.

There are a few specific things I'm struggling with right now. One is the notion that I should view the person that harms me (not in a physical way unless headaches count) as a "sick" person for whom I should pray thereby finding serenity. What if that person lives under the same roof as you? What if that person speaks to you in a hurtful and disrespectful way? What if that person is your partner, someone who's not supposed to treat you badly? I understand the concept but I can't feel it or live it at the moment. Then comes the Serenity Prayer. I know now that I can't change him. The gods know I've tried for long enough. So I suppose that acceptance is a step forward. Does it stop me trying though? No! I keep pleading with him, keep telling him how I feel, keep being angry at him, all to no avail of course. You can't make someone understand something that they don't want to understand. Can I change the situation in any other kind of way? If I suddenly won the lottery I could move out, which is essentially what I want to do for other reasons as well (I live in a pub, go figure). So maybe these problems are symptoms of the fact that I don't really want to be here in the first place.

It's time for some gratitude.

I'm grateful for being sober and not craving a drink, for my sponsor who listened to my moaning for a long time last night and for the fact that I can go to a meeting in an hour's time.

Baby steps

This recovery business sure is a slow process. Sometimes I do find that I'm "getting it" a bit quicker than I thought I would. Other people in the rooms have commented on this about me. However, I think that it's important to remember that it really is an ongoing journey. Something to work on everyday. Some people say they make a decision every morning not to drink. I suppose I do this too, but not in a conscious way anymore. I only have 8 weeks sobriety and things are looking a little bit more complicated than they did in the beginning. Maybe this is because during the first couple of weeks I was concentrating solely on the task of not picking up a drink. My whole existence was based around substitute activities, mainly making and drinking endless cups of weird and wonderful herbal teas, many of them designed to help the detox process (dandelion, nettle, green tea etc). That was fairly simple (though not easy) in the sense that I only had one thing to concentrate on. Now there are other things that need to be done. I'm happy doing them, but boy do they require some soul searching! I'm talking about the steps of course. The first three steps were "easy" for me although the praying took a bit of practice and it still does. Embarking on step 4 is just plain scary, but I know in my heart that it will do me (and probably other people around me) a world of good to work through it. I also have a sneaky feeling it's going to be one of those steps I'll need to revisit from time to time.

My main feeling for today is: "...and that's ok." A little glimpse of serenity right there!

Ups and downs

It feels like I'm on a rollercoaster and I want to get off. Some days are absolutely awful and all I want to do is pick up a drink. Others are great and everything is going so smoothly. The problem is that I don't know which it's going to be when I wake up in the morning and I don't like suprises. Somehow, even in the depths of my relapse romanticising, there's a mental abyss between me and the physical act of putting a drink to my lips so wide that it seems impossible to cross it. This is, I believe, thanks to my HP and AA amongst other things, but maybe also because it's all still very fresh in my memory; the last months of drinking but not wanting to, the weird void between active drinking and detox where I actually wasn't allowed to stop drinking on my own but had to wait for the process to start with nurses etc. I do not under any circumstances want to experience that again.

I'm also facing up to my character defects and various hang-ups head on. It's not a pretty sight. I desperately need to start working on step 4 before I pop (or hurt somebody)!

Otherwise things are going well. I'm still on schedule with uni work, I exercise pretty much everyday (although today I only managed 20 minutes in the pool because it was too crowded and I didn't have any patience at all!) and at this particual moment I'm at peace with my partner. I've got enormous money problems but I've sort of accepted that that's going to be the case for most of my life. But best of all, I am sober today, one day at the time.