Saturday, 6 August 2011

I don't get it

I don't get it at all. I just read my last post and blushed.

There are a few specific things I'm struggling with right now. One is the notion that I should view the person that harms me (not in a physical way unless headaches count) as a "sick" person for whom I should pray thereby finding serenity. What if that person lives under the same roof as you? What if that person speaks to you in a hurtful and disrespectful way? What if that person is your partner, someone who's not supposed to treat you badly? I understand the concept but I can't feel it or live it at the moment. Then comes the Serenity Prayer. I know now that I can't change him. The gods know I've tried for long enough. So I suppose that acceptance is a step forward. Does it stop me trying though? No! I keep pleading with him, keep telling him how I feel, keep being angry at him, all to no avail of course. You can't make someone understand something that they don't want to understand. Can I change the situation in any other kind of way? If I suddenly won the lottery I could move out, which is essentially what I want to do for other reasons as well (I live in a pub, go figure). So maybe these problems are symptoms of the fact that I don't really want to be here in the first place.

It's time for some gratitude.

I'm grateful for being sober and not craving a drink, for my sponsor who listened to my moaning for a long time last night and for the fact that I can go to a meeting in an hour's time.

1 comment:

  1. It certainly is a tricky one. Go figure - I've been moaning on and off blog for the past year, so I won't pretend insight. Sometimes, though, I read the promises - that part about seeing clearly when "it" used to baffle you. It reminds me that doing the next right thing (even if it's drinking a glass of tea) will lead to the next right thing, until suddenly you see the path before you, clear as day.

    It helps me, and it helps me to remember that drinking certainly never brought me any clarity...or maybe it did, but I blacked out and couldn't remember. Either way. :) Keep your chin up; you're definitely getting it.