It feels like I'm on a rollercoaster and I want to get off. Some days are absolutely awful and all I want to do is pick up a drink. Others are great and everything is going so smoothly. The problem is that I don't know which it's going to be when I wake up in the morning and I don't like suprises. Somehow, even in the depths of my relapse romanticising, there's a mental abyss between me and the physical act of putting a drink to my lips so wide that it seems impossible to cross it. This is, I believe, thanks to my HP and AA amongst other things, but maybe also because it's all still very fresh in my memory; the last months of drinking but not wanting to, the weird void between active drinking and detox where I actually wasn't allowed to stop drinking on my own but had to wait for the process to start with nurses etc. I do not under any circumstances want to experience that again.
I'm also facing up to my character defects and various hang-ups head on. It's not a pretty sight. I desperately need to start working on step 4 before I pop (or hurt somebody)!
Otherwise things are going well. I'm still on schedule with uni work, I exercise pretty much everyday (although today I only managed 20 minutes in the pool because it was too crowded and I didn't have any patience at all!) and at this particual moment I'm at peace with my partner. I've got enormous money problems but I've sort of accepted that that's going to be the case for most of my life. But best of all, I am sober today, one day at the time.