Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Ups and downs

It feels like I'm on a rollercoaster and I want to get off. Some days are absolutely awful and all I want to do is pick up a drink. Others are great and everything is going so smoothly. The problem is that I don't know which it's going to be when I wake up in the morning and I don't like suprises. Somehow, even in the depths of my relapse romanticising, there's a mental abyss between me and the physical act of putting a drink to my lips so wide that it seems impossible to cross it. This is, I believe, thanks to my HP and AA amongst other things, but maybe also because it's all still very fresh in my memory; the last months of drinking but not wanting to, the weird void between active drinking and detox where I actually wasn't allowed to stop drinking on my own but had to wait for the process to start with nurses etc. I do not under any circumstances want to experience that again.

I'm also facing up to my character defects and various hang-ups head on. It's not a pretty sight. I desperately need to start working on step 4 before I pop (or hurt somebody)!

Otherwise things are going well. I'm still on schedule with uni work, I exercise pretty much everyday (although today I only managed 20 minutes in the pool because it was too crowded and I didn't have any patience at all!) and at this particual moment I'm at peace with my partner. I've got enormous money problems but I've sort of accepted that that's going to be the case for most of my life. But best of all, I am sober today, one day at the time.


  1. “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

    Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

  2. Thank you. That is what keeps me going :)

  3. So I've been lurking for a bit but was drawn to comment today.

    ...and my mind went blank as what to write. I don't have any insightful words of magical wisdom to share, just, keep slogging through each day and try to imagine the person you WANT to be and the steps you might need to take to become that person.

    I hope you have a wonderful, extraordinary life, become that person and are above all happy.

    -KR http://housebytheroad.blogspot.com/