Early morning musings

It's 6.40am where I am, at my laptop, in the front room of the shared house I live in. 40 minutes ago I was woken up by somebody using the bathroom which is located right next to my bedroom door. Luckily I slept pretty well before that happened (even though it was only for 5 hours) so I'm not completely shattered.

I've just had three pretty bad days in a row. The first day was not so bad, the second day a bit worse, the third day (yesterday) was just awful. Nothing in particular happened. I just haven't been doing the next right thing. I haven't been getting up early, I haven't been going to the gym, I've eaten rubbish food, I've smoked loads of cigarettes, drank too many sugary teas, I haven't prayed or meditated. Towards the end of my shift at work yesterday I was compiling a list of what to do's and not to do's, and as much as I abhor lists nowadays, it helped me focus and after that I was sort of able to start my day again. This is why I didn't stay in bed when I woke up at 6am - my alarm was going to go off an hour later anyway, and had I fallen asleep again I'd have felt awful and probably stayed in bed and started the whole cycle all over again.

I'm not doing that.

It's incredible how the little things, the little choices, can make such a difference.

Article about alcoholism in Japan

If it wasn't such a serious subject, I'd find this article and its comments absolutely hilarious! Whoever is responsible for the facts in this piece of writing hasn't got a clue what alcoholism is, never mind the commentators further down on the page. Read and laugh, if you can bare it!

http://www.japantoday.com/category/kuchikomi/view/why-the-increasing-number-of-alcoholic-women-in-their-20s

Here are some highlights:

"“A man who drinks three large bottles of beer every day might become an alcoholic in 15 years,” he says. “A woman drinking at that pace has a good chance of becoming an alcoholic in seven or eight years.”"

From the comments:
"I have a marriage problem getting in the way of my drinking. I'd like to drink more, but wife is not a drinker and doesn't tolerate me drinking more than once a week, and in moderation." (LOL)

"i'd be an alcoholic if beer wasn't so expensive..."

Apparently this article is not from the most reliable source (it's compared to The Sun in the commentary which sort of says it all), but popular press like that has a big impact on the general public. So as much as I'm laughing out loud at this article, it just can't be good to have this sort of rubbish published. It cannot help the real alcoholic. 

Post meeting musings

People were very talkative at tonight's meeting so I didn't get a chance to share. So here goes...

The topic was step 11 and one's relation to God or Higher Power. Since I'm nowhere near step 11, I was thinking about how I got into recovery in the first place, and how it was sort of taken out of my own hands. It wasn't a case of summoning enough will power and making a decision to stop drinking. I'd tried that enough times in the past, and it never worked. I'd manage a few days, sometimes a whole week or two, but it was rare and I was so highly strung anything could make me snap. Talk about being a dry drunk. My HP made the decision for me, it made sure I persevered through detox and the first difficult weeks of adjusting. I'm still adjusting but the first few weeks were full of new things, baffling things.. like feelings and emotions and fears. Things I drowned out by drinking before so never really dealt with properly. I find it fascinating, the way it works. If I just make sure I take my own willfulness out of the equations, things seem to sort themselves out in a really nice way. Thy will be done, not mine etc. If I keep an open mind, slow down, don't try to force things, it all goes pretty smoothly. I say this but obviously it's not that easy on a daily basis. I know it works, though, and that's the main thing. The mission now is to practice the principles and the steps and get better at it.

Today I'm grateful for the people who were patient with me and who are still in my life. I love them all.

Valuable lessons

Went to a step meeting tonight and the topic was step 10. I'm thoroughly looking forward to start working on that one. I do believe, however, that I've started on it sneakily without knowing it already just by way of stopping drinking. Taking personal inventory regularly is a must for me otherwise I go off the rails completely and can let myself get carried away by resentments and frustrations. It happens on a regular basis if I don't watch myself. Luckily, because of this magical toolbox, I don't have to endure those episodes as often as before, and for that I'm truly grateful. I've learnt tonight that reactions are not always good. When I get angry or frustrated, do I really need to react? Do I really need to say anything? Or can I just shut up and look at my own part in it? In the reading it said that if you're feeling angry or resentful about something you are in the wrong somewhere along the line. There are such a things as justified anger, but who are we to judge what is and what is not? I've never been very good at knowing these things, and might never get any better at it. But what I can get better at is controlling my reactions and realise that people don't always need to be told what's what. At the end of the day it doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong, just how you handle the situation.

Learning is great! May it never stop.

Close call

OK, so it was carnival night last night. That means thousands of people gathering in town, eating and drinking and partying. It also means a very busy pub, and I ended up with the nightmare shift 7pm till 1am. It was non-stop serving, too many people behind the bar as well as in front of it. Drinks were spilt and I was basically marinating in stinking alcohol all night. I felt rather stressed and had this feeling of wanting to run away and hide in safety. The danger came when I poured a couple of servings of spirits by mistake and had to get rid of them somehow. Instead of just pouring them straight down the sink, which would have been the safest option for me, I put them out the back with the thought that somebody might want them later. After three hours I was sent for a break and as I walked by the drinks I picked one up, filled it with coke and took it with me to the kitchen where I had a rolled up cigarette waiting for me. I put it on the side, smoked my cigarette och contemplated drinking it. It would have been so easy, nobody needed to find out, it would take the edge off (as if!) and I could start again in the morning. Oh... the dilemma. However, I managed to get up, grab the plastic glass and pour the drink down the drain. And the relief was immense. The relief was even greater this morning when I remembered what I'd almost done but didn't do. It was a good reminder of why I got rid of my Saturday night shifts when I stopped drinking. It was also good to remember that it's so dangerous to become complacent. All in all I actually enjoyed the night, people were in a good mood and there were no major catastrophes.

Been a while...

It's been a while since I posted here. I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps the novelty has worn off and I've moved on to other things. Or I might just not be inspired to write about recovery. I honestly don't know. However, I'm doing well and the days that I think about drink are very rare. I don't go to as many meetings anymore, but still try and make it to two a week, and I always go to my home group on Sunday nights. I'm going to do more of my step 4 tomorrow with my sponsor, but I don't feel inspired at all. But then, you can't always rely on inspiration when it comes to doing the ground work. It just has to be done... I've started writing another blog that is not specifically a recovery blog. It will have hints in it, but on the whole it's going to be more of a space where I can muse about daily life, things I read and think about. If anyone is interested in reading it, the address is: http://acupofherbal.wordpress.com