Sunday night meeting

The meeting on Sunday night is my favourite one and last night it was very well attended. I don't think I've seen that many people in any meeting so far. During this  meeting I was reminded about my stints with so called depression and I shared a bit about it. Basically, before I realised I was an alcoholic, I sought help for depression. I was prescribed anti-depressants and sedatives twice and both times they sent me completely mad. I've come to realise that I wasn't depressed as such, other things made me depressed (such as drinking), and it had nothing to do with low levels of serotonin in my brain as the psychiatrists were so quick to tell me. It makes me angry and frustrated that doctor's and psychiatrists can so easily prescribe medication without any proper assessment or follow-up. It doesn't take more effort than going to your GP, listing a few typical symptoms for depression, and you go home with zoloft or citalopram (both horrible). In my case I listed a few symptoms like: don't want to get out of bed in the morning, self-harm, drinking too much, being nasty to people close to me. Incidentally, they are also some of the symptoms of being an active alcoholic. Even though I mentioned my drinking habits quite frequently to different doctors and nurses, nobody ever picked up on it or asked any further questions. Because of this I never asked any questions about it either. I do believe there is a time and a place for everything and maybe I wouldn't have been ready to tackle my alcoholism a few years ago. I probably did need to reach my bottom before I realised what was actually going on. I'm so grateful I only got to 30 before I finally did.

Me and my sponsor went swimming again this morning. It's such a good way to start the day. I didn't quite manage to stop smoking when I said I was going to. A few things happened during the week that made me puff away like mad, but now I try to temper it as much as I can. I smoke less than ten a day, and I try not to smoke more than five. I do feel it when I'm doing exercise though and really would like to give it up. But again, I might just not be ready to completely let it go just yet.

Tired but in a good way

I've been up since 7.20am, which is unheard of for me on a Saturday. I had arranged with my sponsor to go swimming, which we did. While I was there I also joined their membership scheme which includes the gym and got a good deal. Two inductions booked in, and meanwhile I can use the swimming pool for free. After the inductions I'm gonna hit the gym a couple of times a week with some swimming thrown in between. After that I went to a meeting which was good. We talked about step 2 and people had really good things to say about that.

I'm starting to enjoy this sobriety thing. In the beginning I only focused on not drinking and my whole life revolved around avoiding triggers, situations, feelings, emotions, smoking as much as I could and drinking enormous amounts of tea and soft drinks - just to stave off drinking thoughts. Even though I didn't desire a drink, the physical and mental habits were still there. I didn't know what to do with myself without a glass of wine in my hand, or indeed, without the promise of a having a glass of wine in my hand later after work etc. Now I am almost comfortable making plans for the next few days because I can be quite certain that I'll be able to keep to them. I can arrange to meet people and know that I'll be there in body as well as spirit, which didn't use to be the case. For example, I had planned to do some form of exercise four times this week, I have already done five! It may sound like a small thing, but it's nothing short of miraculous for me.

I'm grateful for waking up early on a saturday without a hangover, without the shakes, sweats and the anxiety. I'm so grateful that I'm sober today, one day at the time.

New day, fresh perspectives

It’s strange how one’s perspective can change after some sleep at night. It’s as if a new day really does bring new possibilities and the promise of change. I feel a whole lot better today. After a cuddle with my partner in bed this morning I went for a run. It was a beautiful sunny day and not many people around on the grounds where I go running. A dog came up and said hello. Nothing in particular has happened today but my mood is good, I’m getting some work done for uni and I’m going to a meeting tonight. I haven’t been to a meeting since Sunday, and it feels like it’s been too long. I really need a midweek meeting as well but at the same time I can feel that I’m spending too much time in meetings and too little on uni work or other things I want to do when I’m off work. It’s all about priorities I suppose, and my number one priority is to stay sober.

Yesterday’s events seem unreal, as if they didn’t happen. That’s probably because I don’t want them to have happened. My perspective was gone (as my sponsor pointed out) and I was blinded by the thoughts in my head that I couldn’t control. I was obsessing and not letting go. I could not in any way see that perhaps I was overreacting and taking things too far by threatening to leave etc. Now, I don’t in any way defend my partner’s actions, but I’ve come to accept them today as part of his psychological make-up. It’s something that I can’t control apart from letting him know what I think of such behaviour. That’s all I can do before sitting back and letting it all go.

I’m so overwhelmingly grateful that I didn’t pick up a drink yesterday and that I’m still sober today.

New depths

I've reached new depths when it comes to wallowing in self-pity and resentment today. The day started out fabulously - I managed to get up on time and went swimming early in the morning. I caught the bus there and walked back which added to the exercise a bit. I was bouncing with energy all day, feeling really happy, then something happened. My partner lied to me, looking me straight in the eyes whilst doing it. Three times. The fall was hard. The Serenity Prayer could not have been further from my mind. It was out of my control - yes. I could not do anything about it (the gods know I've tried in the past). I did not have the wisdom to know how to handle the situation. I phoned my sponsor who was an absolute star. That calmed me down for a while. I decided to avoid my partner for the rest of the day, but when I saw him I confronted him about what he had done. He laughed in my face at my silliness and overreaction. I saw red. It all just erupted and this evening/night has been horrible. We've sort of made up now but I'm still obsessing about it. It's late and I should be in bed, but I doubt I'm gonna sleep very well.

This is the closest I've been to a relapse since I stopped drinking. I was constantly thinking about ways to get around my alcoholic mind. Thinking about just having one night of letting go, of allowing myself to be numbed by drink, at the same time as I was envisioning myself getting so drunk that I'd end up in hospital. It does not make any sense. The thought that if I pick up a drink tonight it will be for the last time as I won't be around for another relapse kept me from doing it. Also thinking about the people that have helped me through this made me reconsider. The guilt would be unbearable and I would probably end up drinking even more on that. They are probably not very good reasons, but they were amongst the things that kept me sober today. One day at the time.

On edge

It's been a strange day consisting of all degrees of moods you can think of. I've been angry, happy, upset, frustrated, elated... all in one day. It's exhausting! The negative emotions have their ground mainly in the fact that I can't seem to be able to do things "my way". I'm trying to manipulate my surroundings and the people in it to fit in to my plans and aspirations. This, as you can probably imagine, is no easy task. It's also incredibly selfish of me to think that I can actually do that. A while ago I would have reached for a drink every time I failed to stick to a plan, blaming other people for my failures. I would go in to complete self-pity mode. Today I don't do that. Instead I walk off in a huff after a few not so carefully selected hurtful words and roll myself a cigarette. Yep, I stopped yesterday, today I've had four including the one I'm smoking right now. Four is better than the 10 or so I smoked every day before yesterday, but still I consider it a bit of a failure. Not so much self-pity as frustration.

Tomorrow I'm having another go at getting up early to go swimming, which I failed to do this morning due to lack of sleep (caused by somebody else, of course!) and I realise I have to start working on a few of my character defects very soon.

The positive emotions today have their ground in the happy moments with my partner, making up and making out! Also the fact that I'm still sober and haven't had a drink in 37 days, one day at the time.

Day 1 of another kind

There's 25 minutes left of this day and I've not had a smoke. There's been only two occasions where I thought about having one, but they passed quickly when I busied myself with work etc. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I've suffered from horrendous indigestion this past week. It feels like somebody is sticking a knife in my back in between my shoulder blades (but more to the left) and twisting it. Not cool.

Managed to go for a run this morning. Found a field where I did laps, and there was hardly anyone around which was a bonus. The plan is to go swimming in the morning, but I'll have to see how I feel when I wake up. It's usually better in the morning before I've had anything to eat, though, so it shouldn't be a problem. It feels really good not to have that tendency to self sabotage. I feel more confident in making plans because I know at least I won't screw them up through drinking. If other things get in the way I can handle them.

This turned out to be a very boring blog entry. Sorry. Time for bed.

Smoke free?

My intention is to stop smoking as of tomorrow. I'm a little bit nervous about giving up something else so soon after giving up alcohol, but at the same time the smoking really isn't doing me any favours. If someone or something makes me angry or stressed, the first thing I'm going to want to do is roll a cigarette. However, if I keep the Serenity Prayer in mind, I'll know that I can't control what other people do or some of the things that happen to me, but I can control how I react to it (and I'll hopefully have the wisdom to know the difference!). In the beginning I might reach for a cookie, which is not ideal, but not half as bad. One can't expect to be perfect. Althought I want to. Really badly. It's one of my major character defects, but one that serves me quite well at this moment in time. I'll have opportunity to adjust my expectations as I gain more experience in this living-life-sober kind of thing. Oh, did I mention I went back to being vegetarian on thursday last week? I already feel so much better, and I also feel as if I've regained some of my own identity that I so freely gave away to alcohol fuelled self-centredness. I was veggie for 9 years, then ate meat for 4 years, and now I'm back again.

All is good. I'm full of gratitude... to life, to my sponsor, to my partner, to my boss, to my friends, to my mum and dad, to AA...