Tuesday, 12 July 2011

On edge

It's been a strange day consisting of all degrees of moods you can think of. I've been angry, happy, upset, frustrated, elated... all in one day. It's exhausting! The negative emotions have their ground mainly in the fact that I can't seem to be able to do things "my way". I'm trying to manipulate my surroundings and the people in it to fit in to my plans and aspirations. This, as you can probably imagine, is no easy task. It's also incredibly selfish of me to think that I can actually do that. A while ago I would have reached for a drink every time I failed to stick to a plan, blaming other people for my failures. I would go in to complete self-pity mode. Today I don't do that. Instead I walk off in a huff after a few not so carefully selected hurtful words and roll myself a cigarette. Yep, I stopped yesterday, today I've had four including the one I'm smoking right now. Four is better than the 10 or so I smoked every day before yesterday, but still I consider it a bit of a failure. Not so much self-pity as frustration.

Tomorrow I'm having another go at getting up early to go swimming, which I failed to do this morning due to lack of sleep (caused by somebody else, of course!) and I realise I have to start working on a few of my character defects very soon.

The positive emotions today have their ground in the happy moments with my partner, making up and making out! Also the fact that I'm still sober and haven't had a drink in 37 days, one day at the time.

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