Thursday, 21 July 2011

Not a big deal (a rant and a half)

"It's not a big deal". That's something I should be able to say and mean when certain things happen. But I can't. I find a minor fault with something and by the time I've done some thinking about it, it's not a minor fault anymore but something that's grown into a lump in my stomach, makes my heart race and never mind what it's doing to my head. And it really isn't a big deal! It all boils down to my selfishness and self-centredness. My partner came home from a darts game this evening and had invited three people to come an join him playing some computer games in the front room. Now, this usually means a late night and a very stoned partner, and my plan was to get up early in the morning to go swimming. And because my plan seems to be in danger of being intercepted by this social gathering in the front room, my brain is playing some major tricks on me. Add to the equation that I've stopped taking the anti-craving medication because I think they might have contributed to my stomach problems, and I am just a little wobbly. I'm not planning to have a drink but I'll probably have a few more cigarettes than I planned (another plan down the pan! See?). Even though I'm fairly confident that I won't have a drink (this is just too stupid!), the thought is there and that annoys me no end.

So why is this happening? Am I a control freak? Possibly. Am I bothered about the fact that I can't join in on their smoke fest? No. Am I bothered about the fact that I won't get a very early night? Hell yeah! Why am I bothered about it? After all, it's been a very good week (and weekend before) in terms of sleeping and exercising so one night that isn't turning out exactly the way I had planned really shouldn't disturb my peace of mind. Also bearing in mind that I didn't let my partner in on this plan to begin with, so really, I only have myself to blame... and no reason to behave like this. The only up-side is that I'm not showing him how I feel about it. Well, I did moan a bit, but decided to drop it when I heard my own irritating whining voice go on about something that really is NOT A BIG DEAL!

I'm SOBER and that's all that matters right now. Thank goodness I went to a meeting earlier this evening.
End of rant.

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