The meeting on Sunday night is my favourite one and last night it was very well attended. I don't think I've seen that many people in any meeting so far. During this meeting I was reminded about my stints with so called depression and I shared a bit about it. Basically, before I realised I was an alcoholic, I sought help for depression. I was prescribed anti-depressants and sedatives twice and both times they sent me completely mad. I've come to realise that I wasn't depressed as such, other things made me depressed (such as drinking), and it had nothing to do with low levels of serotonin in my brain as the psychiatrists were so quick to tell me. It makes me angry and frustrated that doctor's and psychiatrists can so easily prescribe medication without any proper assessment or follow-up. It doesn't take more effort than going to your GP, listing a few typical symptoms for depression, and you go home with zoloft or citalopram (both horrible). In my case I listed a few symptoms like: don't want to get out of bed in the morning, self-harm, drinking too much, being nasty to people close to me. Incidentally, they are also some of the symptoms of being an active alcoholic. Even though I mentioned my drinking habits quite frequently to different doctors and nurses, nobody ever picked up on it or asked any further questions. Because of this I never asked any questions about it either. I do believe there is a time and a place for everything and maybe I wouldn't have been ready to tackle my alcoholism a few years ago. I probably did need to reach my bottom before I realised what was actually going on. I'm so grateful I only got to 30 before I finally did.
Me and my sponsor went swimming again this morning. It's such a good way to start the day. I didn't quite manage to stop smoking when I said I was going to. A few things happened during the week that made me puff away like mad, but now I try to temper it as much as I can. I smoke less than ten a day, and I try not to smoke more than five. I do feel it when I'm doing exercise though and really would like to give it up. But again, I might just not be ready to completely let it go just yet.
You will definitely get there with the smoking. I want to quit too, but even at 10 months sober can see that I'm not quite ready. Your post reminded me that I don't need to view it from a position of "all or nothing" - cutting down has benefits too. Thank you!
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