Wednesday, 13 July 2011

New depths

I've reached new depths when it comes to wallowing in self-pity and resentment today. The day started out fabulously - I managed to get up on time and went swimming early in the morning. I caught the bus there and walked back which added to the exercise a bit. I was bouncing with energy all day, feeling really happy, then something happened. My partner lied to me, looking me straight in the eyes whilst doing it. Three times. The fall was hard. The Serenity Prayer could not have been further from my mind. It was out of my control - yes. I could not do anything about it (the gods know I've tried in the past). I did not have the wisdom to know how to handle the situation. I phoned my sponsor who was an absolute star. That calmed me down for a while. I decided to avoid my partner for the rest of the day, but when I saw him I confronted him about what he had done. He laughed in my face at my silliness and overreaction. I saw red. It all just erupted and this evening/night has been horrible. We've sort of made up now but I'm still obsessing about it. It's late and I should be in bed, but I doubt I'm gonna sleep very well.

This is the closest I've been to a relapse since I stopped drinking. I was constantly thinking about ways to get around my alcoholic mind. Thinking about just having one night of letting go, of allowing myself to be numbed by drink, at the same time as I was envisioning myself getting so drunk that I'd end up in hospital. It does not make any sense. The thought that if I pick up a drink tonight it will be for the last time as I won't be around for another relapse kept me from doing it. Also thinking about the people that have helped me through this made me reconsider. The guilt would be unbearable and I would probably end up drinking even more on that. They are probably not very good reasons, but they were amongst the things that kept me sober today. One day at the time.

1 comment:

  1. Hey there -
    I know just what you mean; relationship struggles are really really challenging. Both of my relapses last year were the result of trying to escape from the pain of my relationship. One of them lasted a month and I almost didn't find the strength to begin my recovery again.

    The one thing someone once said to me that helps was this: "I AM not going to drink over this. I can't drink no matter what." So far, that's brought me through those really tough times. I do try to do more proactive things, like you described, but at base I will repeat this mantra over and over again.

    It totally sucks. But I'm so glad to hear you got through it.

    Keep up the good work!