Thursday, 8 September 2011

Handing over

My Higher Power is putting a lot my way at the moment and to my surprise I seem to be handling things in a better way than I would normally do. A lot of it has to do with my handing over my will and my life to God. I haven't been doing this on a conscious level because each time I try to force something to happen, the opposite seems to occur. We talked about step 3 today at the meeting and that reminded me of recent developements that have certainly been out of my control. Me and my ex seem to have reached an agreement on how to live together without having a relationship which is such a relief. If it'll work or not remains to be seen. Again, that's out of my hands. We're just going to have to renegotiate when issues arise that bother one or both of us.

I had a strange drinking dream last night, the second one since I stopped drinking. Me and some friends were at a party and suddenly I had drunk a couple of beers and almost polished off a bottle of red wine. The taste in my mouth from that wine was so real, it tasted of blackcurrant sqash mixed with port. I had extremely strong feelings of remorse, guilt and regret and I spent the rest of the dream trying to get out of the party. I was panicking about what to tell my sponsor, debating if i should phone her or not, was it too late to phone? what am I going to say at the next meeting? etc. I was basically panicking when I could feel that I was getting drunk, walking around with the near empty bottle of wine, not knowing what to do with it. I was trying to get a lift home from a friend who paradoxically was both at the other end of the phoneline and at the party at the same time. Every time I tried to walk through the door to get out of the party I ended up walking in to yet another room in the house. I couldn't get out. I can't remember how the dream ended but I do know that all I felt on waking up was enormous relief. Relief that I don't have to go through that, ever, as long as I stick to the program and remember what it was like to be in that hell hole. God will never let me forget and for that I am grateful.

1 comment:

  1. Surrender makes living life on life's terms so much easier. Once in a while I will have a drinking dream, and it serves to remind me that I don't want to go back....