It was my 31st birthday on Sunday. My friend took me to a lovely city and we ended up shopping all day. We stopped for lunch at a Scottish fish restaurant which had amazing food and really good staff all for a reasonable price. It was the perfect day out. After that we picked up our partners and went for dinner in the village next door to ours. That was ok too. However, after 9pm I got a text message from an AA friend asking me if I was ok, and I was mortified to realise that I had actually forgotten to go to the meeting at my homegroup, and I hadn't told anyone! I felt sooo guilty and I also regret missing the main share which apparently was really good. Oh well... at least I missed it because I was having a good time sober rather than falling about drunk on my birthday.
In the preceding weeks leading up to my birthday I'd been sharing about how good it feels to be able to make plans and actually believe that they are going to happen. While I was drinking that wasn't an option. If things happened as planned it was just down to luck and that's something I didn't have much of. Mostly I would wake up so hungover that I couldn't do anything, or if I could follow through with something I'd spend all day wishing I was at home in bed or in the bar. Not anymore, and I'm so grateful for that!
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Getting over myself
Ok, so somebody broke somebody else's anonymity in a pretty brutal way last week. It was and is none of my business but I could so feel for the person who's anonymity was broken in this very insensitive way. It resulted in that person resigning from a service position for my homegroup. It didn't sit well with me at all. It made matters worse that the guilty party has been in the rooms for over 35 years and has jokingly been called the AA God because the person is always full of good advice and inspiration. Since I am by nature quite drawn to drama and sometimes guilty of creating some, I considered boycotting the meeting where this person is a regular... My sponsor in her infinite wisdom and experience gently reminded me of the "principles before personalities" concept and that she is going for the benefit of others (in this case a newcomer in particular). I ended up going with them not knowing what to expect and it was a fantastic meeting! I just sat there with a big grin on my face, as again there were loads of newcomers, returning newcomers and wonderful shares. I'm so grateful to have people around me that keep me in the here and now and remind me of what's actually important. And that it's not all about me and my stupid opinions. I still feel the same about the incident because I think the principle of anonymity is a very sacred one, but my actions don't have to be defined by those feelings. I just have to do the next right thing which is keep going to meetings and be there for the newcomer!
Another lesson gratefully learnt.
Another lesson gratefully learnt.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Lack of compassion, take 2
I calculated my BMI today and it thinks I'm underweight. It turned out to be 18.3 and according to the online BMI calculator anything under 18.5 is underweight. This is of course utter rubbish which I was relieved to learn in my course work where it says that BMI is a very unreliable method of measuring how healthy you are on the scale of underweight to obese. So there... if anyone worries about their BMI, considering how it's trumpeted in the media, stop right now and find some other measurement. We are all different.
Went to my usual Thursday night meeting and sometimes I just wish I'd stayed in. As much as I'm trying to practice humility and compassion... I'm not quite there yet! When you go to a meeting don't talk about Buddhism for 10 minutes, or put yourself forward as the AA Messiah who is saving everyone (this guy spoke for 15 minutes in a story telling fashion about his endevour to save this one alcoholic that had turned up at a meeting recently, and I swear half of the story was made up - you could tell from the way he told it and the hesitation). What the chair person was doing I don't know. If I was in that service position I'd probably have tried to moderate the meeting somewhat. When a drunken relapser (bless him) comes in to share for the second time and starts droning on about how Buddhism forbids him to think of his personality and how the 12 steps would destroy his personality, it's probably time to put a cap on it for the sake of the rest of the members.
That's the end of my rant for today. Anyway, I'm grateful I'm not the one who's relapsed. I'm grateful for another sober and fairly productive day (I've raced ahead with my studies, finished a book on Bushido, been to the gym and a meeting). It's pretty good to be me today.
Went to my usual Thursday night meeting and sometimes I just wish I'd stayed in. As much as I'm trying to practice humility and compassion... I'm not quite there yet! When you go to a meeting don't talk about Buddhism for 10 minutes, or put yourself forward as the AA Messiah who is saving everyone (this guy spoke for 15 minutes in a story telling fashion about his endevour to save this one alcoholic that had turned up at a meeting recently, and I swear half of the story was made up - you could tell from the way he told it and the hesitation). What the chair person was doing I don't know. If I was in that service position I'd probably have tried to moderate the meeting somewhat. When a drunken relapser (bless him) comes in to share for the second time and starts droning on about how Buddhism forbids him to think of his personality and how the 12 steps would destroy his personality, it's probably time to put a cap on it for the sake of the rest of the members.
That's the end of my rant for today. Anyway, I'm grateful I'm not the one who's relapsed. I'm grateful for another sober and fairly productive day (I've raced ahead with my studies, finished a book on Bushido, been to the gym and a meeting). It's pretty good to be me today.
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Amazing meeting
Tonight's meeting was nothing short of brilliant. The person doing the main share has been sober since 1976! That's four years before I was born (which I couldn't help but mentioning when it came to my turn to share). Everyone in the room shared and I was struck by the variety of people there tonight. Two of them have only been sober the last few days and are finding their way in a new reality. They both sounded so positive and their honesty was breathtaking. I remember so well what that felt like. In my case it was a mixture of sheer dread and excitement. I was looking forward to the clarity of mind, the physical and (relative) mental well-being, the novelty of it all.
Today I'm grateful for a whole host of things; that I've completed (for now) steps 4 and 5, that I got to experience a refreshing and honest meeting tonight, that things at home are nice and calm, that I have wonderful friends that love and support me, that my best friend is coming home soon, that I've been able to make plans for my 31st birthday knowing that they will actually happen. That'll do!
Today I'm grateful for a whole host of things; that I've completed (for now) steps 4 and 5, that I got to experience a refreshing and honest meeting tonight, that things at home are nice and calm, that I have wonderful friends that love and support me, that my best friend is coming home soon, that I've been able to make plans for my 31st birthday knowing that they will actually happen. That'll do!
Friday, 25 November 2011
Early morning musings
It's 6.40am where I am, at my laptop, in the front room of the shared house I live in. 40 minutes ago I was woken up by somebody using the bathroom which is located right next to my bedroom door. Luckily I slept pretty well before that happened (even though it was only for 5 hours) so I'm not completely shattered.
I've just had three pretty bad days in a row. The first day was not so bad, the second day a bit worse, the third day (yesterday) was just awful. Nothing in particular happened. I just haven't been doing the next right thing. I haven't been getting up early, I haven't been going to the gym, I've eaten rubbish food, I've smoked loads of cigarettes, drank too many sugary teas, I haven't prayed or meditated. Towards the end of my shift at work yesterday I was compiling a list of what to do's and not to do's, and as much as I abhor lists nowadays, it helped me focus and after that I was sort of able to start my day again. This is why I didn't stay in bed when I woke up at 6am - my alarm was going to go off an hour later anyway, and had I fallen asleep again I'd have felt awful and probably stayed in bed and started the whole cycle all over again.
I'm not doing that.
It's incredible how the little things, the little choices, can make such a difference.
I've just had three pretty bad days in a row. The first day was not so bad, the second day a bit worse, the third day (yesterday) was just awful. Nothing in particular happened. I just haven't been doing the next right thing. I haven't been getting up early, I haven't been going to the gym, I've eaten rubbish food, I've smoked loads of cigarettes, drank too many sugary teas, I haven't prayed or meditated. Towards the end of my shift at work yesterday I was compiling a list of what to do's and not to do's, and as much as I abhor lists nowadays, it helped me focus and after that I was sort of able to start my day again. This is why I didn't stay in bed when I woke up at 6am - my alarm was going to go off an hour later anyway, and had I fallen asleep again I'd have felt awful and probably stayed in bed and started the whole cycle all over again.
I'm not doing that.
It's incredible how the little things, the little choices, can make such a difference.
Article about alcoholism in Japan
If it wasn't such a serious subject, I'd find this article and its comments absolutely hilarious! Whoever is responsible for the facts in this piece of writing hasn't got a clue what alcoholism is, never mind the commentators further down on the page. Read and laugh, if you can bare it!
http://www.japantoday.com/category/kuchikomi/view/why-the-increasing-number-of-alcoholic-women-in-their-20s
Here are some highlights:
"“A man who drinks three large bottles of beer every day might become an alcoholic in 15 years,” he says. “A woman drinking at that pace has a good chance of becoming an alcoholic in seven or eight years.”"
From the comments:
"I have a marriage problem getting in the way of my drinking. I'd like to drink more, but wife is not a drinker and doesn't tolerate me drinking more than once a week, and in moderation." (LOL)
"i'd be an alcoholic if beer wasn't so expensive..."
Apparently this article is not from the most reliable source (it's compared to The Sun in the commentary which sort of says it all), but popular press like that has a big impact on the general public. So as much as I'm laughing out loud at this article, it just can't be good to have this sort of rubbish published. It cannot help the real alcoholic.
http://www.japantoday.com/category/kuchikomi/view/why-the-increasing-number-of-alcoholic-women-in-their-20s
Here are some highlights:
"“A man who drinks three large bottles of beer every day might become an alcoholic in 15 years,” he says. “A woman drinking at that pace has a good chance of becoming an alcoholic in seven or eight years.”"
From the comments:
"I have a marriage problem getting in the way of my drinking. I'd like to drink more, but wife is not a drinker and doesn't tolerate me drinking more than once a week, and in moderation." (LOL)
"i'd be an alcoholic if beer wasn't so expensive..."
Apparently this article is not from the most reliable source (it's compared to The Sun in the commentary which sort of says it all), but popular press like that has a big impact on the general public. So as much as I'm laughing out loud at this article, it just can't be good to have this sort of rubbish published. It cannot help the real alcoholic.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Post meeting musings
People were very talkative at tonight's meeting so I didn't get a chance to share. So here goes...
The topic was step 11 and one's relation to God or Higher Power. Since I'm nowhere near step 11, I was thinking about how I got into recovery in the first place, and how it was sort of taken out of my own hands. It wasn't a case of summoning enough will power and making a decision to stop drinking. I'd tried that enough times in the past, and it never worked. I'd manage a few days, sometimes a whole week or two, but it was rare and I was so highly strung anything could make me snap. Talk about being a dry drunk. My HP made the decision for me, it made sure I persevered through detox and the first difficult weeks of adjusting. I'm still adjusting but the first few weeks were full of new things, baffling things.. like feelings and emotions and fears. Things I drowned out by drinking before so never really dealt with properly. I find it fascinating, the way it works. If I just make sure I take my own willfulness out of the equations, things seem to sort themselves out in a really nice way. Thy will be done, not mine etc. If I keep an open mind, slow down, don't try to force things, it all goes pretty smoothly. I say this but obviously it's not that easy on a daily basis. I know it works, though, and that's the main thing. The mission now is to practice the principles and the steps and get better at it.
Today I'm grateful for the people who were patient with me and who are still in my life. I love them all.
The topic was step 11 and one's relation to God or Higher Power. Since I'm nowhere near step 11, I was thinking about how I got into recovery in the first place, and how it was sort of taken out of my own hands. It wasn't a case of summoning enough will power and making a decision to stop drinking. I'd tried that enough times in the past, and it never worked. I'd manage a few days, sometimes a whole week or two, but it was rare and I was so highly strung anything could make me snap. Talk about being a dry drunk. My HP made the decision for me, it made sure I persevered through detox and the first difficult weeks of adjusting. I'm still adjusting but the first few weeks were full of new things, baffling things.. like feelings and emotions and fears. Things I drowned out by drinking before so never really dealt with properly. I find it fascinating, the way it works. If I just make sure I take my own willfulness out of the equations, things seem to sort themselves out in a really nice way. Thy will be done, not mine etc. If I keep an open mind, slow down, don't try to force things, it all goes pretty smoothly. I say this but obviously it's not that easy on a daily basis. I know it works, though, and that's the main thing. The mission now is to practice the principles and the steps and get better at it.
Today I'm grateful for the people who were patient with me and who are still in my life. I love them all.
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