Substitutes

Sitting here with my cup of green tea and a cigarette I am thinking about alcohol substitutes. Have I started to smoke more? No, possibly a bit less, but I still smoke which I didn't plan to do after the detox. I do drink more tea, especially green tea and herbal ones. I do not drink much water apart from the odd glass of soda water when I'm working behind the bar (because it's available and free). Before the detox I had this romantic notion of automatically stopping all that is bad for me once I'd given up alcohol. That didn't quite happen.

Being in the very early days of recovery it might not be a good idea to put additional pressure on myself by trying to be super healthy. I want to. I want to go back to the gym, go out for a run, eat healthily, not smoke etc, but for now, sobriety has to come first. Who cares if I have a cigarette with my cup of tea in the morning? I'm not hungover and I can pop to the shop with my eyes open in the sunshine! That is all that matters at the moment and I'm making sure I remember how good this is compared to the alternative. I don't wake up at 5am sweating and panicking, I'm not plotting how I'm going to get hold of my next bottle(s) of wine, I'm not all puffed up and red-faced, I don't suffer when I step outside on a nice sunny day, I sleep at night instead of passing out - and all that is amazing!

It's day 24 and I am so grateful.

Festival

I put myself in a very dangerous situation by holding on to work committments at the Glastonbury festival. By the time I went there I had only been 2 weeks sober and I had never been to the festival before. Alas, there I was, in a very unfamiliar setting, lots of new people and surrounded by booze and drugs. Before I went I didn't make a promise to stay sober. Nor did I give myself permission to drink. I just thought to myself that this will either work or it will not. I turned down so many drinks from people during the first two days, I didn't once fancy one. After a couple of days people stopped asking if I wanted a drink which was a relief and nobody pressured me to tell them why I wasn't drinking. The topic only came up once and the person in question assumed it had to do with the fact that I'd had enough from working in the pub, which is partly true so I just nodded and agreed vaguely. I stayed sober the whole time and I didn't actually find it hard. I was talking to my sponsor today and I said to her that it must have been my Higher Power making that decision for me, because it certainly wasn't me. I left the door open for anything to happen, yet I didn't take a drink. It would have been the perfect excuse for me to fall off the waggon; bad weather, constant headaches, new people to socialise with, away from home, new setting, bad sleep. None of it made me drink.

I don't want to go on about it, I just feel amazed at how I didn't struggle. Bearing in mind of course that I'm still on acamprosate and that might have helped. Still, no pills would have stopped me from drinking if I had decided to do so.

So here I am, 22 days sober, one day at the time, and in the end I had a brilliant time at the festival!

Bad night

Yesterday was a good day overall. Work was busy, got some uni work done in the afternoon, the AA meeting was brilliant. Then I got home and prepared myself to do some more on the report I need to finish for uni. I must be doing too much again because I got stuck quite quickly and just got really angry and frustrated. I felt as if I wasn't making any progress. I have to have this report finished today. The deadline is not until Saturday, but I still have to do the shopping for the festival tomorrow, Monday, then work all day Tuesday and pack, then off to the site that evening! So last night I was sitting there, music blaring from downstairs (Saturday live band in the pub), couldn't concentrate, stressing... and there it was! The image of a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc dancing around in my mind. It was one of those situations when I would have gone downstairs, got myself a bottle, drank it (and maybe more) and gone to bed and passed out. I promptly made some more herbal tea, rolled a cigarette and put the telly on. I had to sit there and breathe and remember what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and then concentrate on another episode of Law and Order!

Today is day 13 and I am grateful that I haven't taken a drink, grateful for waking up with a clear head, for being able to do a good job, being able to be fair to my partner, being able to actually do some uni work and for finally also looking a bit better.

Busy

I'm keeping busy, working in the pub, doing university work, AA work, meetings. It seems to be the only way I can function at the moment. It can only be a good thing because I don't have time to think about drinking and I'm amazed at how much time I used to waste by being constantly.. well.. wasted! I had some good times, but at the end of my drinking career I only drank because I had to. I didn't enjoy it at all and that's when I knew it had to stop. It was my rock bottom. People who don't understand this illness will ask why I didn't stop earlier, and why did I continue drinking even though I didn't enjoy it etc. Well, I've come to understand that as the illness of alcoholism progresses it stops being a choice. It becomes a necessity, both physically and mentally. At this stage most people need outside help to stop whether by rehab or detox or whatever. Obviously the individual has to be willing, and by gods, I was. I am! And I will be eternally grateful for the opportunity that presented itself with the help of my doctor, detox nurse, boss, partner and friends... and AA of course! But the crucial thing is that I myself had to ask for that help and opportunity!

At today's meeting I shared about my pagan beliefs and the concept of the body as the temple of one's soul etc, and I was surprised and happy about the amount of people that came up to me after the meeting to talk about it, saying that they hold similar beliefs, or that they want to know more about earth traditions. You just never know what's going to happen at these meetings, and that is one of the things that makes me going back to the rooms.

I'm now (Saturday) on day 12.

Back to work

I'm going back to work at the pub today after a weeks absence due to the detox process. I'm both pleased with going back to a routine and nervous about being around drinkers and alcohol. I do however feel quite strong at the moment and must remember to take it one day at the time.

I have noticed such a difference in my outlook on life and my view of other people. I seem to have become more considerate and caring of people's needs as well as my own. The things that non-alcoholics take for granted, such as having breakfast in the morning, brushing one's teeth before bedtime, putting on and taking of make-up, making the bed in the morning and a long list of other things - they meant nothing to me while I was drinking. I love waking up and being able to look out and actually enjoying the sunshine rather than shunning away from it because of the pain it caused me. I love that I don't shake or sweat, and that I'm not thinking about when to have my next drink!

Another good thing today is that as soon as I finish my shift tonight I will be picked up to be taken to an AA meeting. The meetings are my lifeline at the moment and probably will continue to be so for a long time, gods willing.

Cutting down meds

I’m now on day 7, and I'm grateful that I haven't taken a drink today or for the last 6 days. I'm slowly coming off the Librium and I've got more energy and don't need as much sleep during the day even though I'm still tired. I've got a sponsor now and I've even managed to help a couple of other people to get to AA meetings. I'm going to continue on the acamprosate, the anti craving drug, for about 3-6 months on the advice of my detox nurse. This is mainly because it's still very early days and I work in a pub. If all is going well, I'm hoping to get off that as well. I'm not a big fan of taking medicines, but sometimes it's necessary and at the moment I'll do anything to stay sober.

I feel positive and for the first time in a very long while I'm actually looking forward to slowly starting to sort my life out. There are so many things I've neglected during my drinking days, money issues, relationships, studies, my own wellbeing and much more. My nurse said that I can safely go back to the gym in about 5 days when the effects of the Librium has started to go away. I'm taking my last one tomorrow night.

My close friends have given me amazing support and I will be eternally grateful to them, my partner, the doctors and nurses, and most of all to AA and the people I've met there. I finally told it all to my parents and they reacted suprisingly calmly. My father said he'd know for years that I'm an alcoholic but realised that saying anything about it would not make much difference. He has asked questions about my drinking in the past and I've always brushed it off and said I party at the weekends, there's no problem with that! But he obviously knows me better than I thought. My mother is worried of course but she knows my personality type and is convinced that I'll make it once I've put my mind to it, bless her. My sister is also an alcoholic and she's read the letter that I sent to my mother. I don't know what she is thinking right now as I haven't spoken to her, but I do hope that it has touched her in some way. I would love for her to get sober, she is such a wonderful human being, intelligent, and deserves a better life.

That's my rambling for today. One day at a time!

Sponsor

In an act of bravery and part dread I decided to ask a good friend in the AA to be my sponsor and she willingly accepted and has already given me an assignment. It feels good to finally start working with the Big Book in a more structured way, as before I've just read parts of it and not really got it. Saying that, I do understand what it says but I haven't applied any of the ideas or methods to my own life yet. It's day 6 and I haven't taken a drink. It's still early days but I can't help but feeling proud. It's such a huge relief! Even though I know I will always have this illness and never be cured, I know that with the right support and me putting in the work I have a good chance of staying sober, which is what I want more than anything else.

Uni work is going better as well. I'm no longer constantly drunk or hungover which means I can actually concentrate on my readings and understand it and apply it to my work. I feel so grateful for that.

Learning

I went to an AA meeting today, which was good. It was about step 8, about making amends to people that you have hurt in your drinking days. I haven't done any step work yet as it is early days, apart from step 1 of course, which I've been doing for the past three months or so. It was a new experience to go to a step meeting, as we all had to read a passage about the particular step of the day. I saw someone I know there today, a person that I've had resentment against in the past to some degree, but it all disappeared when I saw him. In the break we embraced and I felt like we finally understood each other on a deeper level. He seems to be doing well in his life and I am happy to know that. When I knew him a few years ago I very rarely saw him sober or without drugs, and he rarely saw me sober either. That meant that we sometimes "clicked" and sometimes were like strangers. Today he spoke in a way I've never heard him speak before and it was as if had changed as a person, which he most likely has.

Anyway, I'm slowly learning to appreciate and separate myself from other people. Again this evening I ended up having an argument with my partner where I felt that he wasn't supporting of me with what I'm going through and it ended badly with me storming off to a friend's house. She comforted me and fed me cake and tea while I was chain smoking and moaning. She said something I hadn't really thought about while being totally selfabsorbed... She said maybe C. finds this process harder than you think, and he is not talking about it or showing it any way. Instead he is trying to distance himself. I hadn't really thought about it, and it was hard to take it to heart when my friend said this at the time. Then I came home and he apologised for being selfish and not seeing to my needs. I was surprised and so grateful and we had a long cuddle. So it's all good for the time being. But while the bad things were going on I was really craving a glass of wine (or 8)... But I held out and it was worth it. Most importantly I also apologised for putting such pressure on him when there is really no need. This is my problem at the end of the day and all he has to do is to be there for me as much as he can. He is not me and I'm not him.

I'm grateful that I haven't taken a drink today.

Freedom

The word that keeps pooping into my head this morning is "freedom". Although it's only day three and I'm constantly going to have to watch my thoughts and actions - I still feel more free than I have done in many years. 

I'm going to spend the rest of the morning dozing with a book or magazine, I think. Then I'm going to meet one of my dear AA friends for coffee in the afternoon. After that I need to see my nurse for a check up at his office which is just around the corner from where I live. 

I'm itching to start making plans for the future, but I'm a bit worried it might be too early. I'm still dosed up on sedatives and although my my mind feels less fussy than when I was constantly drunk or hungover, I'm in no way clear headed. I think I might just wait until I'm free of the Librium as well. I'm also trying to read the Big Book but keep falling asleep and having to re-read paragraphs, so I'll leave that as well for later! I'll have to make do with shorter readings from Share magazines, that's just about what I can handle at the moment...

Day 2

It's now day 2, still fairly early (11.09). Slept wonderfully throughout the night, and was still very sleepy when my alarm went off at 8.20 so snoozed for 15 minutes, then I had to get up so that my detox nurse could come over to take my blood pressure and give me tablets. I've also started taking Campral today which is supposed to suppress cravings for alcohol. I don't particularily want to take any more pills but the nurse insisted that they can aid the recovery of the brain while detoxing, so I thought, if there are no side effects etc it might be worth it.

I'm going to leave it at that for now as I feel a bit woozy from the Librium. Going for a coffee (or rather herbal tea) at a friends flat in about 15 minutes. I need a bit of a change of scenery.

First day

I have not had a drink today. It is my first sober day in more or less 6 months. I was started on a medicated detox this morning and had my last sip (or rather big gulp) of alcohol at midnight last night. I'm on Librium which is some sort of sedative designed to take the edge of the withdrawal symptoms and it seems to working alright. I've been asleep on and off all day, trying to read and watch TV in between. I feel elated and tired at the same time, and it's not going very well with my boyfriend. There's tension in the air and it is affecting me quite badly. However, I must remember to separate myself from other people, even my partner. My sobriety must come first in all events and I must not let anybody or anything get in the way of that. The arguments today are by no means my partners fault. I'm super sensitive and took something he did the wrong way and started making an issue out of it. I've tried to apologise but he is fed up with the whole thing. We were talking about calling it a day and that frightens me even though I can see it would be for the best for both of us. There's not much trust between us, a lot of stuff has happened in the past, and neither of us seems to be able to let it go and move on even though we keep trying. 

So much for trying to separate myself from other people, but there we go. I should be focusing on the good things happening right now. 

I'm finally where I want to be in terms of early recovery. I've been waiting for this moment since the end of February and it has been a long and frustrating journey to get here. To not be able to stop drinking safely, or at all, I'm an alcoholic after all, has taken its toll both physically and mentally. Now I've finally started the process and I'm really excited about the future even though I know there's gonna be a lot of hard work. Hard work to stay sober and remember why I can't drink - try and sort out all the debt I've put myself in - catch up with university work - make amends with myself and other people - get fit and able again... Basically catch up on all the responsibility that I've hidden from by slowly killing myself with alcohol.

AA is going to be of great help, I know that for a fact. I've already been to several meetings while I was still drinking but desperate to stop. I was made to feel so welcome and nobody judged me for the fact that I was till an active alcoholic. They all understood which is a fantastic feeling. I've found a great friend in one of the women who has been extremely supportive and given me great advice. 

I raise my cup of cherry and cinnamon tea to the future! Cheers!