Migraine and sleeplessness

I've been so lucky to have been perfectly healthy these past 7 weeks of sobriety. Yesterday my first migraine came out of nowhere and prompted me to spend most of the day in bed after I'd been swimming. Worked my two hours in the kitchen, went to a meeting where I sat with my head in my hands, went home and took a couple of codeine based painkillers and went back to bed. When it was time to go to bed properly I couldn't get any sleep for ages, my partner couldn't sleep either so was tossing and turning. When I woke up this morning it was only about 6am and my head was still splitting and I was sweating buckets. It felt not unlike my mornings-after. I really feel hungover today and it sucks. Missed going to the gym this morning. I'm just praying and hoping I'll feel alright later and that I can resume my routine tomorrow. I know it's a stupid little problem, but it worries me because when I've stopped drinking for longer periods in the past (without any help or support, before I knew I was an alcoholic) I've been very ill with constant headaches and migraines incapacitating me and leaving me feeling frustrated and wondering what the point of being sober is. I'm terrified that it's going to happen again. Hence this long rant about a sodding migraine.

I am grateful that it's not self-inflicted. But still.

A bit stuck

I have a feeling I might not be doing enough step work. I'm concentrating on other areas in my life, which, judging by numerous blogs and shares in the rooms, could be a bad thing. Step work is the foundation of AA and something that is highly recommended. People who don't do the steps have a high relapse rate if I've understood it right. I'm hovering between step 3 and 4 at the moment. I said the step 3 prayer out loud today for the first time, although I've said it in silence many times before. I've written it down on a piece of red paper and stuck in on the wall directly opposite me at my desk. I read it often and it does make sense now. It took a while before I understood the meaning of it. I've got a sheet of paper where I should be writing down name's of people that I hold resentments against but that list is hidden away in my AA note book, and I conveniently keep forgetting to do it. So it looks like I'm putting off doing step 4...

Be that as it may, life is good at the moment. I've managed to get up at 7am this week to either go to they gym or swimming. This morning I went swimming and it was great but a bit crowded. I've spent loads of time browsing in our local wholefood store, which I love doing! I can disappear for hours if I go up town because I can't resist going in there. I most definitely spend too much money in there! Another thing I spend money on is second hand clothing. I cannot walk past a charity shop without just "popping in quickly" as it were. They've taken over from pubs in my head, and I much prefer it this way...

Past issues are creeping up behind me though, I can feel it. So I need to kick myself up the backside and start on my list. Stop being a coward! I need to tell myself I'm strong now, well, much stronger than I was in the depths of my drinking anyway.

Today I'm grateful for: My partner for not giving me any grief and for trying to be a "good boy", the fact that I'm sober, exercise, the balmy weather, the Rooms (going to meeting tonight) and much more besides!

7 weeks

With the help of the rooms, my sponsor, my Higher Power and my loved ones I've now reached 7 weeks. During this short journey so much has changed and almost all of it for the better. Actually, nothing has changed for the worse! Today I've felt that laughter that comes from the pit of your stomach, that real joy over some silly little thing that makes you giggle. I used to have to be half-cut before anything like that would manifest, and towards the end it didn't manifest at all. I feel truly blessed at being able to laugh honestly and in a heartfelt way. It's just one of the great joys of sobriety that I'm experiencing at the moment, and one that I'm so grateful for.

Is this the pink cloud? Actually, don't tell me because I don't really care. I'm going to enjoy this elated feeling for as long as it's there and count every blessing and stay grateful. One day at the time.

I just realised that I'm writing this after a fairly horrible day. Work was manic with loads of customers, tons of orders in the kitchen, arguments and mistakes and general chaos. After that lunch time session I was ready to drop! I even told my boss that it was an awful shift, upon which she apologised (?). I have no idea why she apologised and I told her so. Anyway, somehow I just carried on working in the bar afterwards, talking to one of our house guests and other people and it all sort of disappeared and I haven't really thought about it since. It's strange as I would have dwelled on it in the past to the point of driving me crazy, but today, even though it was tough at the time, it didn't touch me in the same way. Another thing to be grateful for!

Putting things in perspective

This evening's meeting was just amazing. It was busy and people were sharing about emotional stuff, more so than I'm used to. I find myself so wrapped up in my own small everyday battles that I fail to see the bigger picture a lot of the time. Tonight I saw glimpses of it and it humbled me greatly. It's truly great how people work through the most horrendous situations and heartaches. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose one's kids, or going through a divorce with someone you've been married to for a long time. I don't have children and I've never been in a relationship for longer than 2,5 years so I have no idea what it's like to lose something that big. At the end I almost felt as if my share tonight was petty and insignificant in the light of what other people were saying, but after the meeting I had a few people coming up to me commenting on what I'd said and I felt better and realised my story of everyday stuff will have meaning for someone. One woman said that she liked hearing me because what I say feels fresh to her as I'm so early in recovery, and it reminds her of the excitement one can feel in the beginning when life starts to become more managable and full of possibilities. That felt really good to hear.

God willing, I will have 7 weeks on tuesday, and I am so grateful for that. I am grateful that I haven't had a drink today and that the rooms are there for someone like me. Life is pretty good at the moment but I have to stay humble and be careful. Nobody stays on a pink cloud forever (if that's where I am now).

Not a big deal (a rant and a half)

"It's not a big deal". That's something I should be able to say and mean when certain things happen. But I can't. I find a minor fault with something and by the time I've done some thinking about it, it's not a minor fault anymore but something that's grown into a lump in my stomach, makes my heart race and never mind what it's doing to my head. And it really isn't a big deal! It all boils down to my selfishness and self-centredness. My partner came home from a darts game this evening and had invited three people to come an join him playing some computer games in the front room. Now, this usually means a late night and a very stoned partner, and my plan was to get up early in the morning to go swimming. And because my plan seems to be in danger of being intercepted by this social gathering in the front room, my brain is playing some major tricks on me. Add to the equation that I've stopped taking the anti-craving medication because I think they might have contributed to my stomach problems, and I am just a little wobbly. I'm not planning to have a drink but I'll probably have a few more cigarettes than I planned (another plan down the pan! See?). Even though I'm fairly confident that I won't have a drink (this is just too stupid!), the thought is there and that annoys me no end.

So why is this happening? Am I a control freak? Possibly. Am I bothered about the fact that I can't join in on their smoke fest? No. Am I bothered about the fact that I won't get a very early night? Hell yeah! Why am I bothered about it? After all, it's been a very good week (and weekend before) in terms of sleeping and exercising so one night that isn't turning out exactly the way I had planned really shouldn't disturb my peace of mind. Also bearing in mind that I didn't let my partner in on this plan to begin with, so really, I only have myself to blame... and no reason to behave like this. The only up-side is that I'm not showing him how I feel about it. Well, I did moan a bit, but decided to drop it when I heard my own irritating whining voice go on about something that really is NOT A BIG DEAL!


I'm SOBER and that's all that matters right now. Thank goodness I went to a meeting earlier this evening.
End of rant.

Divine music

This evening me and my partner went to a friend's album launch. It's her second and it's just as divine as the first one. As a genre it's not my cup of tea, but something about my friend's music is different. I think it's the fact that she seems to be completely genuine. The things she says and the words she sings come straight from her heart and soul. She likes to say that her music comes from one single source ultimately; love. So true. Her voice is just amazing and I find myself fighting back tears when listening to some of her songs, especially live, like tonight.

This evening I felt as if I found another part of me that had got lost during my drinking days, particularily towards the last couple of years. I reconnected with some old friends I haven't seen for years, others that I only see occasionally and I felt so at home. When I was around them a few years ago I didn't appreciate what I had. I didn't see how precious those people and that environment really was. I was too busy (at the time completely unaware) either drinking or planning my next drink, oh and recovering from drinking, to see what was going on around me. I saw a lot of beauty, love and serenity tonight and for that I am grateful.

My drinking, or lack of, came up in a couple of conversations. In one I told a friend I haven't seen for three years that I've given up drinking, she looked a bit blank and said she never noticed that I drank too much, that she couldn't remember that about me. But as we chatted for a bit memories started coming back to her and she understood. She said she can't identify with it because she doesn't touch the stuff, and when she does find herself with a drink she has about three sips and then forgets about it. A reality so far far away from mine... The other was a guy who when he heard another friend of ours mention the fact that I'd gone to a festival and not had a drink exclaimed "Are you teetotal!?" - a genuinely happy exclamation. He doesn't drink at all (not sure why) and he said that he'd lately bumped in to several people who say they don't drink or just stopped for some reason or other. He looked so pleased that I didn't tell him why I'd stopped. It feels like I'm moving in the right circles again. I love all my friends but some are better for my sobriety than others.

Sunday night meeting

The meeting on Sunday night is my favourite one and last night it was very well attended. I don't think I've seen that many people in any meeting so far. During this  meeting I was reminded about my stints with so called depression and I shared a bit about it. Basically, before I realised I was an alcoholic, I sought help for depression. I was prescribed anti-depressants and sedatives twice and both times they sent me completely mad. I've come to realise that I wasn't depressed as such, other things made me depressed (such as drinking), and it had nothing to do with low levels of serotonin in my brain as the psychiatrists were so quick to tell me. It makes me angry and frustrated that doctor's and psychiatrists can so easily prescribe medication without any proper assessment or follow-up. It doesn't take more effort than going to your GP, listing a few typical symptoms for depression, and you go home with zoloft or citalopram (both horrible). In my case I listed a few symptoms like: don't want to get out of bed in the morning, self-harm, drinking too much, being nasty to people close to me. Incidentally, they are also some of the symptoms of being an active alcoholic. Even though I mentioned my drinking habits quite frequently to different doctors and nurses, nobody ever picked up on it or asked any further questions. Because of this I never asked any questions about it either. I do believe there is a time and a place for everything and maybe I wouldn't have been ready to tackle my alcoholism a few years ago. I probably did need to reach my bottom before I realised what was actually going on. I'm so grateful I only got to 30 before I finally did.

Me and my sponsor went swimming again this morning. It's such a good way to start the day. I didn't quite manage to stop smoking when I said I was going to. A few things happened during the week that made me puff away like mad, but now I try to temper it as much as I can. I smoke less than ten a day, and I try not to smoke more than five. I do feel it when I'm doing exercise though and really would like to give it up. But again, I might just not be ready to completely let it go just yet.

Tired but in a good way

I've been up since 7.20am, which is unheard of for me on a Saturday. I had arranged with my sponsor to go swimming, which we did. While I was there I also joined their membership scheme which includes the gym and got a good deal. Two inductions booked in, and meanwhile I can use the swimming pool for free. After the inductions I'm gonna hit the gym a couple of times a week with some swimming thrown in between. After that I went to a meeting which was good. We talked about step 2 and people had really good things to say about that.

I'm starting to enjoy this sobriety thing. In the beginning I only focused on not drinking and my whole life revolved around avoiding triggers, situations, feelings, emotions, smoking as much as I could and drinking enormous amounts of tea and soft drinks - just to stave off drinking thoughts. Even though I didn't desire a drink, the physical and mental habits were still there. I didn't know what to do with myself without a glass of wine in my hand, or indeed, without the promise of a having a glass of wine in my hand later after work etc. Now I am almost comfortable making plans for the next few days because I can be quite certain that I'll be able to keep to them. I can arrange to meet people and know that I'll be there in body as well as spirit, which didn't use to be the case. For example, I had planned to do some form of exercise four times this week, I have already done five! It may sound like a small thing, but it's nothing short of miraculous for me.

I'm grateful for waking up early on a saturday without a hangover, without the shakes, sweats and the anxiety. I'm so grateful that I'm sober today, one day at the time.

New day, fresh perspectives

It’s strange how one’s perspective can change after some sleep at night. It’s as if a new day really does bring new possibilities and the promise of change. I feel a whole lot better today. After a cuddle with my partner in bed this morning I went for a run. It was a beautiful sunny day and not many people around on the grounds where I go running. A dog came up and said hello. Nothing in particular has happened today but my mood is good, I’m getting some work done for uni and I’m going to a meeting tonight. I haven’t been to a meeting since Sunday, and it feels like it’s been too long. I really need a midweek meeting as well but at the same time I can feel that I’m spending too much time in meetings and too little on uni work or other things I want to do when I’m off work. It’s all about priorities I suppose, and my number one priority is to stay sober.

Yesterday’s events seem unreal, as if they didn’t happen. That’s probably because I don’t want them to have happened. My perspective was gone (as my sponsor pointed out) and I was blinded by the thoughts in my head that I couldn’t control. I was obsessing and not letting go. I could not in any way see that perhaps I was overreacting and taking things too far by threatening to leave etc. Now, I don’t in any way defend my partner’s actions, but I’ve come to accept them today as part of his psychological make-up. It’s something that I can’t control apart from letting him know what I think of such behaviour. That’s all I can do before sitting back and letting it all go.

I’m so overwhelmingly grateful that I didn’t pick up a drink yesterday and that I’m still sober today.

New depths

I've reached new depths when it comes to wallowing in self-pity and resentment today. The day started out fabulously - I managed to get up on time and went swimming early in the morning. I caught the bus there and walked back which added to the exercise a bit. I was bouncing with energy all day, feeling really happy, then something happened. My partner lied to me, looking me straight in the eyes whilst doing it. Three times. The fall was hard. The Serenity Prayer could not have been further from my mind. It was out of my control - yes. I could not do anything about it (the gods know I've tried in the past). I did not have the wisdom to know how to handle the situation. I phoned my sponsor who was an absolute star. That calmed me down for a while. I decided to avoid my partner for the rest of the day, but when I saw him I confronted him about what he had done. He laughed in my face at my silliness and overreaction. I saw red. It all just erupted and this evening/night has been horrible. We've sort of made up now but I'm still obsessing about it. It's late and I should be in bed, but I doubt I'm gonna sleep very well.

This is the closest I've been to a relapse since I stopped drinking. I was constantly thinking about ways to get around my alcoholic mind. Thinking about just having one night of letting go, of allowing myself to be numbed by drink, at the same time as I was envisioning myself getting so drunk that I'd end up in hospital. It does not make any sense. The thought that if I pick up a drink tonight it will be for the last time as I won't be around for another relapse kept me from doing it. Also thinking about the people that have helped me through this made me reconsider. The guilt would be unbearable and I would probably end up drinking even more on that. They are probably not very good reasons, but they were amongst the things that kept me sober today. One day at the time.

On edge

It's been a strange day consisting of all degrees of moods you can think of. I've been angry, happy, upset, frustrated, elated... all in one day. It's exhausting! The negative emotions have their ground mainly in the fact that I can't seem to be able to do things "my way". I'm trying to manipulate my surroundings and the people in it to fit in to my plans and aspirations. This, as you can probably imagine, is no easy task. It's also incredibly selfish of me to think that I can actually do that. A while ago I would have reached for a drink every time I failed to stick to a plan, blaming other people for my failures. I would go in to complete self-pity mode. Today I don't do that. Instead I walk off in a huff after a few not so carefully selected hurtful words and roll myself a cigarette. Yep, I stopped yesterday, today I've had four including the one I'm smoking right now. Four is better than the 10 or so I smoked every day before yesterday, but still I consider it a bit of a failure. Not so much self-pity as frustration.

Tomorrow I'm having another go at getting up early to go swimming, which I failed to do this morning due to lack of sleep (caused by somebody else, of course!) and I realise I have to start working on a few of my character defects very soon.

The positive emotions today have their ground in the happy moments with my partner, making up and making out! Also the fact that I'm still sober and haven't had a drink in 37 days, one day at the time.

Day 1 of another kind

There's 25 minutes left of this day and I've not had a smoke. There's been only two occasions where I thought about having one, but they passed quickly when I busied myself with work etc. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I've suffered from horrendous indigestion this past week. It feels like somebody is sticking a knife in my back in between my shoulder blades (but more to the left) and twisting it. Not cool.

Managed to go for a run this morning. Found a field where I did laps, and there was hardly anyone around which was a bonus. The plan is to go swimming in the morning, but I'll have to see how I feel when I wake up. It's usually better in the morning before I've had anything to eat, though, so it shouldn't be a problem. It feels really good not to have that tendency to self sabotage. I feel more confident in making plans because I know at least I won't screw them up through drinking. If other things get in the way I can handle them.

This turned out to be a very boring blog entry. Sorry. Time for bed.

Smoke free?

My intention is to stop smoking as of tomorrow. I'm a little bit nervous about giving up something else so soon after giving up alcohol, but at the same time the smoking really isn't doing me any favours. If someone or something makes me angry or stressed, the first thing I'm going to want to do is roll a cigarette. However, if I keep the Serenity Prayer in mind, I'll know that I can't control what other people do or some of the things that happen to me, but I can control how I react to it (and I'll hopefully have the wisdom to know the difference!). In the beginning I might reach for a cookie, which is not ideal, but not half as bad. One can't expect to be perfect. Althought I want to. Really badly. It's one of my major character defects, but one that serves me quite well at this moment in time. I'll have opportunity to adjust my expectations as I gain more experience in this living-life-sober kind of thing. Oh, did I mention I went back to being vegetarian on thursday last week? I already feel so much better, and I also feel as if I've regained some of my own identity that I so freely gave away to alcohol fuelled self-centredness. I was veggie for 9 years, then ate meat for 4 years, and now I'm back again.

All is good. I'm full of gratitude... to life, to my sponsor, to my partner, to my boss, to my friends, to my mum and dad, to AA...

Drug dream

Ok, hold on a minute.

My drug of choice was always alcohol. During my first six months in England I also used cocaine at the weekends, but drink was always my primary drug. The night before last I had a drinking dream, last night I dreamt that I took some kind of prescription drug at a house party and started feeling really strange and horrible. I said to the people at the party that I'm teetotal and don't do very well with drugs, I feel uncomfortable, I want to go home. Then it was sort of a struggle to leave that place. They offered me coke and pills and wanted me to stay. Just like with the taste of the lager, the feeling of strangeness from taking that pill felt so real and I can recall the feeling still now. There was no drink at that party and it was all very odd.

When I was a kid we were always told that alcohol was the gateway to using heavier drugs as a means of putting us off (that didn't work). But I didn't realise that applied to dreams about it as well!

I wonder if this came about because I met someone at the meeting last night who said that if I ever needed a meeting but couldn't get to AA on a given day, there was always NA, where they consider alcohol a drug. This sparked a bit of a heated debate with another member who didn't think you should go to NA unless you are addicted to drugs. I felt uncomfortable and was happy to leave.

Tonight I'm going to one of my two favourite meetings. I'm very much looking forward to that.

Drinking dream

There's a first time for everything.

I've read about drinking dreams on various blog and feared that I'd be plagued by these once I stopped drinking, which would only be expected as drinking was such an ingrained part of my daily routine. So far I've been spared as far as I know (one can't be expected to remember all dreams). However, last night I had one. I can't remember the particulars of the dream, nor how I ended up taking a drink it, but I do remember that I felt as if I had taken that drink by mistake, sort of forgetting that I was no longer drinking. The taste of that half a lager, which is something I haven't touched in months (my drink was wine and bourbon) lingered in my mouth for a long time afterwards in the dream and I remember thinking "oh my god, I've had a drink, I'm not supposed to, I better not fall off the waggon" and then the ensuing panic. Thankfully I got woken up at this point. How real that taste of lager was!

So what triggered this dream? I'm not sure but me and my partner had cross words at bedtime and I went to bed angry thinking about the fact that I'd normally have a drink on these feelings and how good it'd be if I had a way of numbing myself right now. I didn't actually want a drink, but I was thinking about it. Maybe this was the trigger.

It's been exactly one month today since I had my first sober day on 7 June. At the moment I don't fancy a drink and I don't fancy another drinking dream. I'm very grateful for everything that I've got and need to find a way of dealing with this frustration and anger inside.

One day at the time.

30 Days

Today (Wednesday) I have been 30 days sober. So far so good. I went down to the bar (I live on top of the pub I work in) to get a bar of chocolate earlier, and as it happens it's located in the same fridge as the wine I used to drink. It felt strange as normally I would have been pulling out a bottle (at this time of night probably bottle no 2) from that fridge but now it's bars of chocolate... Talking of chocolate. I've never known myself to have such a sweetooth as after I got sober. There's no end to the amounts of busquits and bars of chocolate I can consume now whereas before I used to make a face everytime someone suggested I should have a sweet. I guess I'm making up for the sugar I used to get from the wine!

Today I'm grateful for the fact that I was able to get up at 7.30am to get ready for the beer delivery that normally arrives about 8am. This without headache, sweats, shakes and/or anxiety. Oh and that uncontrollable thirst after a heavy night. Yuk! I don't miss that at all.

Time for some Gratitude

I'm grateful for the fact that I can study and understand what I'm doing. In fact, I'm on schedule with my course work for the first time since I started it almost two years ago. While I was drinking, even though I didn't study while I was drunk, I was clearly mentally affected by the fact that I drank heavily every night. I looked through some earlier material today and can't even remember doing the work that I've done. It's pretty scary and will prove difficult when it's time to tie all the material together for the final exam. I'll just have to spend some time re-reading I guess.

I'm grateful for having a more stable mood and not have that jo-jo effect where my moods would be elevated one minute, then dark and miserable the next with no way of knowing what would trigger it. It would not only affect me but the people close to me as well.

I'm grateful for actually wanting to get out of bed in the morning to face a new day. Even going to bed is enjoyable now whereas it used to be filled with dread - "if I go to bed I'll have to face tomorrow shortly - aaargh", which prompted a few more drinks to garantuee passing out. Before I stopped drinking I dreaded sleepless nights, but thankfully they haven't materialised.

I'm grateful for my sponsor who is a very sweet and interesting woman with so much to give. She keeps me grounded. 

My life is far from perfect and there's lots more work to do, but I think it's important to remember the good things and be grateful for them. I've learnt that it's an important part of recovery.

Social contexts

I never really realised how affected we are by our social context, the friends we surround ourselves with. I always knew it on a theoretical level but never really seen it. In the meeting tonight this guy was telling his story about how his life of alcohol fuelled crime and violence seemed perfectly normal and something that "everybody" does. It made me think of how I used to justify, albeit unknowingly, my abnormal behaviour patterns. Things like not paying bills on time, always accruing more debt, leaving tabs unpaid for ages, not sorting out paperwork etc, all seemed perfectly acceptable and normal as my boozing friends had much worse stories to tell about debt collectors knocking on the door and what not. If I was ever told off by a more sensible friend of mine, I would worry, get anxious and promptly go to the pub to be amongst my drinking buddies again and after a couple of glasses of wine feel a whole lot better... At least until I woke up the next morning with even less money and self respect.

I have now started to very, very slowly look at the financial mess I've gotten myself into. It's not a pretty sight but I think it could have been much worse. It may seem unmanagable right now, but I know that, really, nothing is unmanagable so long as I don't take that first drink. Somebody was talking about baby steps the other day and that's a good way to look at it. Slowly but surely I'm regaining control over my life and the things I can't control I need to leave be. The Serenity Prayer right there!

The plant is still alive, by the way.

Movies

I watched two movies today while my partner was away. One was "Eat, Pray, Love" with Julia Roberts. That was a pretty mediocre film to be honest, but had a few good bits in it. One was a quote that said something along the lines of "you have to choose your thoughts in the same way that you choose your clothes in the morning". I really wish I could do that more, however, I do find it easier without the alcohol. While I was drinking I was trying to control everything and my thoughts raced around in my head like a storm. They were unstoppable and all reasoning went out the window. So in my pursuit of being in total control I was in fact totally and utterly out of control. Insane.

The other bit that caught my attention was a man in the movie who told his story about how alcohol ruined his life. It was a pretty harrowing story and not one that I can relate to, but it was a good reminder of what could have been. A reminder of what I'm doing now and why I'm doing it. Even though the film as such wasn't very good (I wouldn't recommend it to anyone), it still made me think of the most unexpected things.

Film number two was "While You Were Sleeping" with Sandra Bullock. Ok, the story is a bit unbelievable and it's soppy but I do have a weakness for Sandra Bullock. Not quite sure why. I really love her in 28 Days - and talking of 28 Days - my sponsor gave me a plant yesterday! Now that's a gift with meaning...

Tales of relapse

This evening's meeting was unusually intense. A man came that had relapsed after two months of sobriety and he had taken a drink today. He was clearly drunk and shared for a long time until he was cut off by the person who chaired the meeting. There was a lot of love in that room tonight. Other people shared about how they appreciated his story, that they needed to hear it and they also talked about their own relapses. They gave him support and a big welcome back to the rooms (which is amazing). While he was talking, however, I struggled with my feelings. I didn't feel love. I cringed and felt very uncomfortable.

When thinking about it I realise that this is probably a reflection of the fact that I am only 25 days into recovery myself. Also full of character defects while not aware of a fraction of them. Maybe his story and state scared me because I haven't even reached a month yet. Self, self, self. I don't know. It was confusing and educational at the same time. I'm glad I experienced it but while it was going on I just wanted to disappear - I guess I didn't feel as safe as I usually do in the rooms.

But that's just me. For now.