Birthday and forgetfulness

It was my 31st birthday on Sunday. My friend took me to a lovely city and we ended up shopping all day. We stopped for lunch at a Scottish fish restaurant which had amazing food and really good staff all for a reasonable price. It was the perfect day out. After that we picked up our partners and went for dinner in the village next door to ours. That was ok too. However, after 9pm I got a text message from an AA friend asking me if I was ok, and I was mortified to realise that I had actually forgotten to go to the meeting at my homegroup, and I hadn't told anyone! I felt sooo guilty and I also regret missing the main share which apparently was really good. Oh well... at least I missed it because I was having a good time sober rather than falling about drunk on my birthday.

In the preceding weeks leading up to my birthday I'd been sharing about how good it feels to be able to make plans and actually believe that they are going to happen. While I was drinking that wasn't an option. If things happened as planned it was just down to luck and that's something I didn't have much of. Mostly I would wake up so hungover that I couldn't do anything, or if I could follow through with something I'd spend all day wishing I was at home in bed or in the bar. Not anymore, and I'm so grateful for that!

Getting over myself

Ok, so somebody broke somebody else's anonymity in a pretty brutal way last week. It was and is none of my business but I could so feel for the person who's anonymity was broken in this very insensitive way. It resulted in that person resigning from a service position for my homegroup. It didn't sit well with me at all. It made matters worse that the guilty party has been in the rooms for over 35 years and has jokingly been called the AA God because the person is always full of good advice and inspiration. Since I am by nature quite drawn to drama and sometimes guilty of creating some, I considered boycotting the meeting where this person is a regular... My sponsor in her infinite wisdom and experience gently reminded me of the "principles before personalities" concept and that she is going for the benefit of others (in this case a newcomer in particular). I ended up going with them not knowing what to expect and it was a fantastic meeting! I just sat there with a big grin on my face, as again there were loads of newcomers, returning newcomers and wonderful shares. I'm so grateful to have people around me that keep me in the here and now and remind me of what's actually important. And that it's not all about me and my stupid opinions. I still feel the same about the incident because I think the principle of anonymity is a very sacred one, but my actions don't have to be defined by those feelings. I just have to do the next right thing which is keep going to meetings and be there for the newcomer!

Another lesson gratefully learnt.

Lack of compassion, take 2

I calculated my BMI today and it thinks I'm underweight. It turned out to be 18.3 and according to the online BMI calculator anything under 18.5 is underweight. This is of course utter rubbish which I was relieved to learn in my course work where it says that BMI is a very unreliable method of measuring how healthy you are on the scale of underweight to obese. So there... if anyone worries about their BMI, considering how it's trumpeted in the media, stop right now and find some other measurement. We are all different.

Went to my usual Thursday night meeting and sometimes I just wish I'd stayed in. As much as I'm trying to practice humility and compassion... I'm not quite there yet! When you go to a meeting don't talk about Buddhism for 10 minutes, or put yourself forward as the AA Messiah who is saving everyone (this guy spoke for 15 minutes in a story telling fashion about his endevour to save this one alcoholic that had turned up at a meeting recently, and I swear half of the story was made up - you could tell from the way he told it and the hesitation). What the chair person was doing I don't know. If I was in that service position I'd probably have tried to moderate the meeting somewhat. When a drunken relapser (bless him) comes in to share for the second time and starts droning on about how Buddhism forbids him to think of his personality and how the 12 steps would destroy his personality, it's probably time to put a cap on it for the sake of the rest of the members.

That's the end of my rant for today. Anyway, I'm grateful I'm not the one who's relapsed. I'm grateful for another sober and fairly productive day (I've raced ahead with my studies, finished a book on Bushido, been to the gym and a meeting). It's pretty good to be me today.

Amazing meeting

Tonight's meeting was nothing short of brilliant. The person doing the main share has been sober since 1976! That's four years before I was born (which I couldn't help but mentioning when it came to my turn to share). Everyone in the room shared and I was struck by the variety of people there tonight. Two of them have only been sober the last few days and are finding their way in a new reality. They both sounded so positive and their honesty was breathtaking. I remember so well what that felt like. In my case it was a mixture of sheer dread and excitement. I was looking forward to the clarity of mind, the physical and (relative) mental well-being, the novelty of it all.

Today I'm grateful for a whole host of things; that I've completed (for now) steps 4 and 5, that I got to experience a refreshing and honest meeting tonight, that things at home are nice and calm, that I have wonderful friends that love and support me, that my best friend is coming home soon, that I've been able to make plans for my 31st birthday knowing that they will actually happen. That'll do!

Early morning musings

It's 6.40am where I am, at my laptop, in the front room of the shared house I live in. 40 minutes ago I was woken up by somebody using the bathroom which is located right next to my bedroom door. Luckily I slept pretty well before that happened (even though it was only for 5 hours) so I'm not completely shattered.

I've just had three pretty bad days in a row. The first day was not so bad, the second day a bit worse, the third day (yesterday) was just awful. Nothing in particular happened. I just haven't been doing the next right thing. I haven't been getting up early, I haven't been going to the gym, I've eaten rubbish food, I've smoked loads of cigarettes, drank too many sugary teas, I haven't prayed or meditated. Towards the end of my shift at work yesterday I was compiling a list of what to do's and not to do's, and as much as I abhor lists nowadays, it helped me focus and after that I was sort of able to start my day again. This is why I didn't stay in bed when I woke up at 6am - my alarm was going to go off an hour later anyway, and had I fallen asleep again I'd have felt awful and probably stayed in bed and started the whole cycle all over again.

I'm not doing that.

It's incredible how the little things, the little choices, can make such a difference.

Article about alcoholism in Japan

If it wasn't such a serious subject, I'd find this article and its comments absolutely hilarious! Whoever is responsible for the facts in this piece of writing hasn't got a clue what alcoholism is, never mind the commentators further down on the page. Read and laugh, if you can bare it!

http://www.japantoday.com/category/kuchikomi/view/why-the-increasing-number-of-alcoholic-women-in-their-20s

Here are some highlights:

"“A man who drinks three large bottles of beer every day might become an alcoholic in 15 years,” he says. “A woman drinking at that pace has a good chance of becoming an alcoholic in seven or eight years.”"

From the comments:
"I have a marriage problem getting in the way of my drinking. I'd like to drink more, but wife is not a drinker and doesn't tolerate me drinking more than once a week, and in moderation." (LOL)

"i'd be an alcoholic if beer wasn't so expensive..."

Apparently this article is not from the most reliable source (it's compared to The Sun in the commentary which sort of says it all), but popular press like that has a big impact on the general public. So as much as I'm laughing out loud at this article, it just can't be good to have this sort of rubbish published. It cannot help the real alcoholic. 

Post meeting musings

People were very talkative at tonight's meeting so I didn't get a chance to share. So here goes...

The topic was step 11 and one's relation to God or Higher Power. Since I'm nowhere near step 11, I was thinking about how I got into recovery in the first place, and how it was sort of taken out of my own hands. It wasn't a case of summoning enough will power and making a decision to stop drinking. I'd tried that enough times in the past, and it never worked. I'd manage a few days, sometimes a whole week or two, but it was rare and I was so highly strung anything could make me snap. Talk about being a dry drunk. My HP made the decision for me, it made sure I persevered through detox and the first difficult weeks of adjusting. I'm still adjusting but the first few weeks were full of new things, baffling things.. like feelings and emotions and fears. Things I drowned out by drinking before so never really dealt with properly. I find it fascinating, the way it works. If I just make sure I take my own willfulness out of the equations, things seem to sort themselves out in a really nice way. Thy will be done, not mine etc. If I keep an open mind, slow down, don't try to force things, it all goes pretty smoothly. I say this but obviously it's not that easy on a daily basis. I know it works, though, and that's the main thing. The mission now is to practice the principles and the steps and get better at it.

Today I'm grateful for the people who were patient with me and who are still in my life. I love them all.

Valuable lessons

Went to a step meeting tonight and the topic was step 10. I'm thoroughly looking forward to start working on that one. I do believe, however, that I've started on it sneakily without knowing it already just by way of stopping drinking. Taking personal inventory regularly is a must for me otherwise I go off the rails completely and can let myself get carried away by resentments and frustrations. It happens on a regular basis if I don't watch myself. Luckily, because of this magical toolbox, I don't have to endure those episodes as often as before, and for that I'm truly grateful. I've learnt tonight that reactions are not always good. When I get angry or frustrated, do I really need to react? Do I really need to say anything? Or can I just shut up and look at my own part in it? In the reading it said that if you're feeling angry or resentful about something you are in the wrong somewhere along the line. There are such a things as justified anger, but who are we to judge what is and what is not? I've never been very good at knowing these things, and might never get any better at it. But what I can get better at is controlling my reactions and realise that people don't always need to be told what's what. At the end of the day it doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong, just how you handle the situation.

Learning is great! May it never stop.

Close call

OK, so it was carnival night last night. That means thousands of people gathering in town, eating and drinking and partying. It also means a very busy pub, and I ended up with the nightmare shift 7pm till 1am. It was non-stop serving, too many people behind the bar as well as in front of it. Drinks were spilt and I was basically marinating in stinking alcohol all night. I felt rather stressed and had this feeling of wanting to run away and hide in safety. The danger came when I poured a couple of servings of spirits by mistake and had to get rid of them somehow. Instead of just pouring them straight down the sink, which would have been the safest option for me, I put them out the back with the thought that somebody might want them later. After three hours I was sent for a break and as I walked by the drinks I picked one up, filled it with coke and took it with me to the kitchen where I had a rolled up cigarette waiting for me. I put it on the side, smoked my cigarette och contemplated drinking it. It would have been so easy, nobody needed to find out, it would take the edge off (as if!) and I could start again in the morning. Oh... the dilemma. However, I managed to get up, grab the plastic glass and pour the drink down the drain. And the relief was immense. The relief was even greater this morning when I remembered what I'd almost done but didn't do. It was a good reminder of why I got rid of my Saturday night shifts when I stopped drinking. It was also good to remember that it's so dangerous to become complacent. All in all I actually enjoyed the night, people were in a good mood and there were no major catastrophes.

Been a while...

It's been a while since I posted here. I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps the novelty has worn off and I've moved on to other things. Or I might just not be inspired to write about recovery. I honestly don't know. However, I'm doing well and the days that I think about drink are very rare. I don't go to as many meetings anymore, but still try and make it to two a week, and I always go to my home group on Sunday nights. I'm going to do more of my step 4 tomorrow with my sponsor, but I don't feel inspired at all. But then, you can't always rely on inspiration when it comes to doing the ground work. It just has to be done... I've started writing another blog that is not specifically a recovery blog. It will have hints in it, but on the whole it's going to be more of a space where I can muse about daily life, things I read and think about. If anyone is interested in reading it, the address is: http://acupofherbal.wordpress.com

Settling down

My mind is settling down somewhat. This is a good thing. Right now it's not a good idea to do too much thinking. The meetings have helped, and the people at particularly my homegroup have been amazing, as has my sponsor. Which brings us neatly to gratitude, and about time too!

I'm grateful that it's not a struggle today. Sobriety feels instinctive rather than forced. My training is going great, making loads of progress at the gym and with my running. Running has also stopped being a major struggle. Cutting down on smoking helps too. I've decided that it doesn't really matter if I'm an alcoholic or not. The label means nothing (to me personally). All I have to remember is that if I pick up a drink today, I won't be able to do the things I want to do tomorrow. One day at the time etc.

How do I know?

How do I know for sure? My perception of reality has changed a lot since the "slip". The doubt is overwhelming. I'm not so sure anymore. Am I falling into the classic trap of thinking I'm ok? In the Big Book it says that if you're in doubt go to the nearest bar room etc etc.

One of my problems is that I'm always trying to be the "good girl" in all situations. Now I have loads of people around me, counting on me to stick with the program. People taking stock of everything I say and do. Readers who've seen what I've been through. And on the other side, there is me, doubting everything that has happened. I'm doubting everything; my motives, what happened, what's going to happen next, why I'm feeling like this and so on and so forth ad infinitum.

I really wish I'd stayed more quiet. Not with regards to AA, but in my daily life. Too many people have heard me say too many things out loud. I can't get away from it. And I'm sure it's spreading too. The problem is that I myself am doubting the things I've said to a certain extent. What's real?

It feels like there is no turning back. I know that there is no person or thing that can stop me. But because I'm a "good girl" and I worry about what people might think of me if I so called "change my mind" (which I know sounds absurd)... I can't. That's how I feel. And I'm frustrated, not because I want to drink (because I don't), but because I don't feel as if I have a choice in the sense that it would be comfortable to make that choice.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense at all. I'm driving myself mad with all this cr#p going around in my head.

Handing over

I am now handing it over. The exam is tomorrow morning and I am done revising. Not that I've revised enough. Not even remotely so, but I can't physically or mentally do anymore. My sponsor suggested I pray for information to stay in my head, for the right questions to come up and for peace so that I can concentrate on the task at hand (not her words). It makes sense and I will do this before going to bed tonight. I'm going to have an early night and make sure I'm as rested as possible tomorrow. The location for the exam is about an hours drive away so I'll have to get up early and make sure I eat a good breakfast. A friend has kindly agreed to take me there so at least I don't have to endure the bus journey and the task of finding the place. I've also decided that I'm going to reward myself afterwards with a shopping spree, a very moderate one as I'm short on funds, but it seems like a better idea than my past "rewards", ie a bottle of wine or two.

Good luck, me!

Making slow progress

When faced with a difficult situation I used to feel like I was slapped in the face, and sometimes I still do. Lately I seem to have been able to take a step back after the initial shock of it, take a few deep breaths and do the next right thing. It is so difficult to change habits, especially when it feels like they are programmed into your very physical body. It's like trying to control hunger or thirst. In the HALT system I seem to be able to handle hunger, loneliness and tiredness, but the thing that gets me every time is anger. When I get angry it possesses me and it feels like I get separated from myself, split into two entities, one that is "doing" and another that is "observing". The observing part of me wonders what the hell the doing one is up to. I'll hear myself expressing the anger and resentment, moaning and groaning, trying to control a situation that I'm totally powerless over. I'll try to tweak things to my advantage and reach desired outcomes. In relationships with other people this very seldom works. And it shouldn't work. It's all about handing over my will, and I am truly crap at it.

Today I have managed to work all day and do my planned revision for the upcoming exam. For this I am grateful. I missed a meeting today which makes me feel a bit unhinged, but there was no way I could have done my work today if I'd gone to it. Doing the next right thing. Sooooo hard!

But now I have to stop complaining and go to bed so that I can get up and go the gym in the morning with my sponsor. It will be nice to have a chat with her in the car. I'm looking forward to waking up without a hangover, without anxiety and with a clear head.

Stress

And lots of it... I have an exam coming up next Thursday and it's freaking me out a lot. The material is huge! However, I have written down a revision plan for each day leading up to the day, and so far so good. I also remembered something my sponsor said when I moaned about having a bad day: "Start your day again." That is just so simple and wise. I also remembered that I can always do the "next right thing" which again is so apt today. The meeting this evening was a heated discussion about traditions 6 and 10. It was interesting once the initial frustration wore off. I'm just grateful there wasn't any newcomers at that particular meeting. If I had been one, I'd probably left in the break and gone home for a glass of wine as it seemed a bit over the top and aggressive at times. But I wasn't, and I didn't.

Today I'm grateful for the support and guidance of my sponsor who's also going through a very rough time in her life. I pray that all will go well for her. I'm grateful for another sober and conflict free day.

Sharing

I have now shared about my slip-up at three meetings and at all three I got fantastic, supportive feedback. I'm really conscious of how it comes across when I speak about it, because I'm certainly not fishing for attention. My sharing is all about getting it into the open and taking the power out of it. And of course to help other alcoholics. I almost feel a little uncomfortable when people come up and say things that are meant to be comforting and soothing. I think it's my inner fraudster that is scared of being found out. I have no idea what there is to be found out. Maybe this is a common trait amongst alcoholics? It's similar to the feeling when somebody gives me a compliment about my looks or something. I just squirm and feel awkward. Ah, maybe I don't feel like I deserve it. That's it!

Anyhow, I'm getting picked up by my sponsor at 7.20am tomorrow to go swimming. After that I'm going to the doctor's to have a contraceptive implant fitted. This scares the hell out of me, but I know I'll be fine. After that I've got a whole day's work ahead of me, after which I'm hopefully going to a meeting. I'm grateful for yet another day sober, and I'm looking forward to many, many more. Good night!

Down here

I have almost stopped thinking about the future. I just never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Living in the now is, I suppose, a good attitude, but it's not good to become too comfortable. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. It's just that lately, especially after last Friday, I'm not running around feeling really enthusiastic about everything, making plans or having expectations. I'm more grounded and I have certainly fallen off the pink fluffy cloud. Now the challenge is to find a happy middle ground. Not too "up there" or "down here"... Right now I'm just concentrating on getting enough sleep, lots of exercise, stopping smoking as of tomorrow with the help of patches and inhalators, revising for my upcoming exam in business studies, doing my job as well as I can, staying out of the way of my ex to avoid confusion or confrontation and just putting one foot in front of the other in general.

I'm grateful to be more grounded and calm even though it's not as much fun as bouncing around on a pink fluffy cloud.

Confession

This is not an easy thing to do. Confessing and sharing about slipping up on Friday night. I'd had a tremendously hard week with people, feelings and depression. My relationship crumbled the day after we decided to try again. I don't even know how many times we've tried and somewhere along the line I should have realised it's not worth the heartache or emotional turmoil to go through it again and again and again. Why I decided to get involved again while having a business to look after I'll never know. While these are not valid excuses, they are the reasons. And it's impossible to put into words what happened, but I know I have to try.

When I found something out, something that proved to be the last straw, I could feel myself leaving my physical body. When I was speaking, it was as if I was listening to myself from a distance. It was as if I was split in half. All reason went out the window and somehow I knew what was going to happen next. I walked into the cellar and got a bottle of what used to be my favourite wine, put it in the fridge. Went to check that all was OK in the bar. Went back to fridge, opened the bottle, got a glass out of the cupboard, poured the wine. Sat down and looked at the glass. A fleeting thought that I had not yet taken a sip and that it's not too late to change things passed in my mind, but it wasn't strong enough. I took a sip. Didn't enjoy it. Took another, didn't enjoy that either. Worked myself through two glasses, felt myself getting affected by the alcohol. Didn't like it one bit. Poured the last glass from the bottle. Took a sip. Looked at it, left it, and went to bed and promptly passed out. The next morning I poured it out in the sink.

Meanwhile the ex walked in to the room and the shock on his face when he asked me if that was a glass of wine I had there, and I said yes. The sad eyes, the crying, the begging that I had to stop, all the hard work I'd put into it. To be honest, I think that's what I wanted out of it. I didn't want to get drunk, I didn't enjoy the taste of it, I just wanted to make him suffer and see what he'd done to me, in a pathetic attempt at taking back my power from him.

While having to reset my sobriety clock is hugely annoying, I think I've learnt something important from this incident. Number one is that sobriety is an extremely fragile thing and it needs constant nurture and care to stay strong. Number two is that I get weak and sensitive when I don't go to meetings regularly, I definitely need the instant spiritual top-ups that the meetings provide on a regular basis. Further, I know now that my favourite drink has lost its allure. It does not taste nice, and that's good to know because that's one of the things that would spring to mind during difficult times... the thought of that lovely, cold, crisp Sauvignon Blanc. Not anymore and that's a huge relief. I didn't enjoy the feeling of getting drunk, didn't like the feeling of losing control of my senses and physical actions. I also realise that when I picked that drink up, I didn't have a desire to drink per se, I wanted to achieve something else. The drink was just the means to a different end.

As much as this evokes shame and guilt in me, I'm grateful it happened this early, only three and a bit months into sobriety. I'm grateful for what I've learnt from it, and endlessly grateful that I didn't get a taste for it. It was a huge gamble because it could have gone the other way and I wouldn't be sitting here sober now on day 2 again.

I'm humbled.

Revisiting Gratitude

This week is going to be all about remembering gratitude. Boy, is it difficult! I'm in a situation where I live with my ex who has been a pain the last couple of weeks. We have our good moments, but we argue constantly, too often for a "non-couple". We have tried to negotiate this shared space but it's proven to be harder than either of us thought. I've been a pain as well, of course, a fact that I blame on stress and not enough sleep. But if I worked my program and worked on remembering the Serenity Prayer and what it actually means, I wouldn't be so bad. I don't seem to be able to find any me-time, which is kind of expected since I'm running a pub and trying to stay sane. My thoughts are erratic and my actions too. I get very angry and have gravitated towards aggressive behaviour in the last few days. Right now I'm a pretty sick person. However...

I am eternally grateful for not having a desire to drink. Picking up a drink would have been my first "solution" 4 months ago. I'm still very grateful for every hang-over free morning, because no matter how tired or sleep-deprived I am, I can still get on with my day with some degree of clarity and comfort. I'm grateful to myself for having made an appointment with the stop-smoking clinic at my NHS surgery for next week. I figured that if I sought help for drinking and it worked to kick-start my sobriety, maybe talking to counsellors about stopping smoking will have a similar effect. One can only hope, pray and have faith.

Now I'm off to try and get some well-needed sleep. Good night!

Lack of meetings

I haven't been to a meeting since last Sunday. I've been too busy writing essays and now I'm looking after the business while the boss is away on holiday. As I haven't had those all-important reality checks of the Rooms, my confidence has slowly but surely withered and I can feel the stress heavy on my shoulders. I talked to my staff earlier and made sure I can go to a meeting tonight. Hopefully that will recharge my batteries for the rest of the week. While it's been stressful, however, I have been much more able to handle it. Much more so than when I was drinking. I was a nervous wreck and took everything personally. I was constantly in battle, with myself or others. The word serenity didn't even exist in my vocabulary.

I'm grateful that I can get up in the morning and get on with my to-do-list without first panicking, then trying to quench my thirst, then having that first cigarette that again made me anxious and without having to force myself to do things. I've actually enjoyed, in a weird kind of way, cleaning the pub in the morning, listening to Adele on full volume and sipping a cup of tea while planning the day ahead. So it's not that bad, really. I just needed to moan.

A glorious day

I love the mornings when I'm walking to the gym, listening to music, disappearing from the world. It takes about 30 minutes to get there and during that time I have the perfect opportunity to just zone out. There is nothing else I can do in that half an hour apart from putting one foot in front of the other to get me to where I'm going. It's a time for me to be alone with myself without going crazy. I recently acquired a bike which I can use to get to the gym, but I've found it much more relaxing to walk, so the bike just sits there waiting to be used. I'm sure I'll start using it soon though as the weather is probably going to get worse by the week now as autumn is in full swing.

Tomorrow night my boss is off to Turkey on holiday which leaves me to take care of the pub. Last time was a minor disaster as I was drunk most of the time and hungover the rest of the time. I was extremely sensitive and got easily agitated by both customers and members of staff. The relationship with my ex suffered immensely and I couldn't wait for my boss to come back to relieve me of the responsibility. I'm surprised the place was still standing at the end of those two weeks. This time it's going to be different and hopefully a lot easier. Sober and single, it can't go wrong, and if it does, I'm so much better equipped to deal with it. This time it's only for seven days as well so it will be a good practice run for future commitments.

As long as I don't pick up a drink, as long as I go to meetings whenever I can, as long as I phone my sponsor and as long as I stay true to myself, it will be alright.

Handing over

My Higher Power is putting a lot my way at the moment and to my surprise I seem to be handling things in a better way than I would normally do. A lot of it has to do with my handing over my will and my life to God. I haven't been doing this on a conscious level because each time I try to force something to happen, the opposite seems to occur. We talked about step 3 today at the meeting and that reminded me of recent developements that have certainly been out of my control. Me and my ex seem to have reached an agreement on how to live together without having a relationship which is such a relief. If it'll work or not remains to be seen. Again, that's out of my hands. We're just going to have to renegotiate when issues arise that bother one or both of us.

I had a strange drinking dream last night, the second one since I stopped drinking. Me and some friends were at a party and suddenly I had drunk a couple of beers and almost polished off a bottle of red wine. The taste in my mouth from that wine was so real, it tasted of blackcurrant sqash mixed with port. I had extremely strong feelings of remorse, guilt and regret and I spent the rest of the dream trying to get out of the party. I was panicking about what to tell my sponsor, debating if i should phone her or not, was it too late to phone? what am I going to say at the next meeting? etc. I was basically panicking when I could feel that I was getting drunk, walking around with the near empty bottle of wine, not knowing what to do with it. I was trying to get a lift home from a friend who paradoxically was both at the other end of the phoneline and at the party at the same time. Every time I tried to walk through the door to get out of the party I ended up walking in to yet another room in the house. I couldn't get out. I can't remember how the dream ended but I do know that all I felt on waking up was enormous relief. Relief that I don't have to go through that, ever, as long as I stick to the program and remember what it was like to be in that hell hole. God will never let me forget and for that I am grateful.

Stress

I'm under a lot of pressure at the moment. I'm living under the same roof as my ex-partner, have to finish an essay for uni by next Friday night, run the business for two weeks in the middle of September while revising for an exam in October. I trust my Higher Power will guide me through this mess somehow, but still, I'm not looking forward to the rest of this month.

God(dess), grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Learning everyday

I learn something new in sobriety everyday. When I was drinking I kept making the same mistakes over and over again, never really moving forward in a constructive way. I was a big fan of constantly changing things because I thought it would help me feel good, but nothing ever changed for the better. I just substitued one dysfunctional situation for another, not seeing it for what it was. Although life is far from perfect I'm grateful that I can learn from past behaviour. In sobriety I can make changes when changes can be made. There is a time and a place for everything which is something I didn't understand before. Patience really is a virtue and lack of it is one of my big character defects, however, as I'm approaching 13 weeks sober I do have a lot more of it. It's like being a teenager again, slowly learning how to live life, how to relate to other people and how to take responsibility. I'm lucky to have wonderful friends, both old and new, and I'm grateful that I can take those relationships seriously while before they tended to be mere props for my life. Something that was there if I needed it, not much more. People are now precious to me in their own right and it's a wonderful feeling.

Peace

Whenever I write a post that contains something positive about my relationship, said relationship crumbles before my eyes just days after. Well, now the relationship has been put on hold. My mind is quiet and I can sleep at night. I'm convinced that being in a relationship destroys my peace and ability to see clearly. It's like a drug. I wish one could switch hormones on and off at will. At least I'm sober and not doing stupid things, and for that I'm grateful.

I said good-bye to a very dear friend today who had to go back to university, had lunch with another friend and her two lovely boys, ate a huge ice-cream, worked and went to a meeting that discussed tradition 9. I'm not a huge fan of talking about the traditions but it's amazing what people do come up with. Tomorrow I'll go swimming in the morning, work all day, then another meeting, then maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to squeeze in some study time, but I doubt it very much. Now I'm going to curl up in bed and read a book for about 10 minutes before I fall asleep. Night all!

Good morning!

I'm very proud to say that I was asked to do a main share at a meeting this week. It sort of came out of the blue for me as I have under 3 months of sobriety but I happily accepted and I'm happy to say it went well. I got a lot of good feedback. I was so nervous, though, and would have liked to say many other things, but there will be more opportunities for that I'm sure. It came at the right time for me as during the week prior to that I'd been thinking about the nature of my alcoholism and wether it was actually "that bad". The thought is probably familiar to most recovering alcoholics who didn't end up with DUIs, lost homes, lost families etc. As I was telling my story it became clear that, yes, it really was that bad, and that the best thing I've ever done in my life was to stop drinking.

I'm grateful to be sober, to my partner who is back in my life, to my friends who are bringing me a bike today that I can use for getting to the gym and back, to my sponsor who keeps me grounded, to AA which keeps me sane and to my Higher Power who keeps putting things my way that I need just at the right time.

Disconnected

It's been a hectic week emotionally. One of my best friends is back in town for a couple of weeks and we have been spending some time together. We've been to our local where she and her partner have been drinking while I've been trying different soft drinks. I never realised how expensive it is to not drink alcohol. I had to pay £1.35 for a baby bottle of ginger ale which fills up half a tumbler! It lasted me about 2 minutes.

I don't find it that hard to spend time with friends in the pub even though they are drinking, however, unhelpful thoughts do creep in while I'm there. In the last couple of days thoughts about whether I'm actually an alcoholic or not have appeared, not in a major way, but enough to unsettle me a little. I've been thinking maybe I was just physically addicted to alcohol because I had overindulged, maybe I'm not actually an alcoholic as such? Usually when these thoughts appear they only linger for a split second before I allocate them to the rubbish heap where they belong. This time they stuck for a bit longer than that. I put this down to the fact that me and my partner are separating, that I've been spending more time down the pub with drinking friends, that I haven't been to a meeting since Sunday night until tonight and I haven't picked up the phone to my sponsor enough. In that light it all makes sense.

It all feels a bit unreal. I felt as if I reconnected with my partner over the weekend. I felt so much love and affection for him and I couldn't get enough of him. Then Tuesday morning I caught him lying and going behind my back again, something I really can't handle sober or not. We had a brief conversation and we both admitted we're not happy and that we probably should call it a day. Since then we have hardly spoken at all. He stays up all night or sleeps in the spare room, I sleep in our bed feeling a bit out of place as it's technically his bed. I'm gonna leave it like this for a while and see how it unfolds. He doesn't act as if he's too bothered about it. A fear at the moment is that he's going to come back wanting intimacy when he starts missing it and I'm not going to be strong enough to say no as by that point I will probably be missing it too. And as we still live in the same flat, it might be hard to avoid falling into that trap. Oh well.

At least I'm sober and I feel grateful for that. I'm grateful for the meeting tonight where I had a chance to vent my thoughts and be "put right", and also to my sponsor who listened to me tonight when I really needed it. I don't think I could have made it this far without her.

Utter lack of compassion

I can pat myself on the back all day long for the fact that I'm sober and not picking up a drink but there is something obviously missing in my recovery so far and that is compassion for people who relapse. A woman I know had a rough day and ended up drinking (again) and came to the meeting I went to earlier this evening. She was loud and disruptive throughout and I was amazed at the patience everyone showed. She obviously needed a meeting but I'm seriously doubting how much she got out of being there in that state. She interfered in other people's shares and shared three times herself and I just found myself wanting to leave. Towards the end I actually went to the ladies' room even though I didn't really need to, just to get away for a few minutes. I feel like a horrible person but I could not stop feeling uncomfortable and essentially unsafe. I go to meetings because they are safe, they are filled with people like me, the only drink available is tea and coffee. Sitting next to someone who reeks of vodka just doesn't suit me right now. Call me selfish. I desperately want to feel differently and do hope I acted differently (I talked to her and tried to encourage her about starting again tomorrow, keep coming back etc etc) yet I'm so wound up. Maybe it's just a reflection on how early on in my recovery I still am - there's still a lot of work to do. My sponsor suggested that I might feel like this because I'm trying to help this woman in recovery, which I have tried doing over a period of time, and that seeing her struggle gets to me because of that. Maybe. She is probably right as usual. One day I might end up in a big mess myself, relapse, and need the support of AA members to get on my feet again, but I'd hate to think that I'd go to a meeting drunk and potentially make other people uncomfortable. My head is a mess and it's time to think about gratitude.

I am grateful for having had a couple of nice days and nights with my partner. I feel that we've reconnected somehow which is really lovely. I am grateful that one of my best friends is coming home for two weeks on Monday and that I'm gonna be spending some much needed time with her. I can't wait! I'm grateful for the fact that I'm not restricted by alcohol anymore - that I was able to get up this morning, put my trainers on, march over to the gym, do some shopping, and march back home again. Even though it's Saturday night I can look forward to waking up tomorrow with a clear head and choosing if I want to stay in bed and be lazy just because I can, or go to the gym... also just because I can! It's the simple things in life...

Exercise in Sobriety

Ever since I was a young teenager I was involved in sports and fitness. As I approached my twenties I was very fit and managed to keep it that way for a couple of years. Through university I got a bit lazy, largely due to boozing and smoking but even then I had periods in which I would force myself to go out running or go to the gym. Towards my mid to late twenties I found myself boozing more than anything else, really. I quickly got very unfit and every time I embarked on a fitness regime it only ever lasted for a week, maybe two. Every time I went back to the gym I had to start all over again. It's enough to suck all motivation out of you. Towards the end it became a health hazard to even venture out for a walk up the High Street. In sobriety, however, I find myself embracing what comes naturally to me and what has always been a part of my life, something I love doing. I now swim and/or go the gym almost every day of the week and I absolutely love it! I might have swapped one obsession for another but I really don't give a toss. I love it, it keeps me fit and energetic and I can now wear my tiny size 10 (UK) Lee jeans that I've had for 1,5 years but never managed to button up (a little vanity is allowed, surely?)!

I did a big chunk of step 4 work with my sponsor on Monday. It was draining to say the least and there's a lot left to do. I can feel slight changes in my behaviour, if not my feelings, even though they seem to have cooled down somewhat too. It's a relief to see that things are starting to happen in that department. There's really nothing like step work to put things in perspective and I realise I've been a self-indulgent little shit with huge amounts of control issues. And I still am.

2 Months

Yesterday was my two-month birthday and it made me think back over the past weeks of sobriety. It feels like it's been a lot longer than two months. Six months would have made more sense. This might be because I've been able to do so much more than I would have in two months of active alcoholism. In fact, I don't think I would have been able to do as much in a year as I've done in the past two months. It fills me with gratitude and an overwhelming sense of having made the right choice; to ask for help and get sober.

My journey so far has been simple but not easy, if that makes any sense. It's been simple in the sense that I've followed a simple program - go to meetings, don't pick up a drink, one day at the time. It's been hard to experience emotions at full speed without the crutch that was alcohol every time there was some emotional turmoil or conflict. It's been (selfishly) hard dealing with other people's addictions and other "short-comings" while dealing with my own. I've had to look at myself - my actions, reactions, thoughts and feelings in a new light (as opposed to no light at all). I am utterly crap at looking at myself. I'm getting better through step work but jeeez... I just want to curl up under a duvet and hide!

On the whole I'm enjoying the process of getting to know myself regardless of the uncomfortable truths that keep surfacing. I am sober today and nothing else really matters. Thank You God(s).

I don't get it

I don't get it at all. I just read my last post and blushed.

There are a few specific things I'm struggling with right now. One is the notion that I should view the person that harms me (not in a physical way unless headaches count) as a "sick" person for whom I should pray thereby finding serenity. What if that person lives under the same roof as you? What if that person speaks to you in a hurtful and disrespectful way? What if that person is your partner, someone who's not supposed to treat you badly? I understand the concept but I can't feel it or live it at the moment. Then comes the Serenity Prayer. I know now that I can't change him. The gods know I've tried for long enough. So I suppose that acceptance is a step forward. Does it stop me trying though? No! I keep pleading with him, keep telling him how I feel, keep being angry at him, all to no avail of course. You can't make someone understand something that they don't want to understand. Can I change the situation in any other kind of way? If I suddenly won the lottery I could move out, which is essentially what I want to do for other reasons as well (I live in a pub, go figure). So maybe these problems are symptoms of the fact that I don't really want to be here in the first place.

It's time for some gratitude.

I'm grateful for being sober and not craving a drink, for my sponsor who listened to my moaning for a long time last night and for the fact that I can go to a meeting in an hour's time.

Baby steps

This recovery business sure is a slow process. Sometimes I do find that I'm "getting it" a bit quicker than I thought I would. Other people in the rooms have commented on this about me. However, I think that it's important to remember that it really is an ongoing journey. Something to work on everyday. Some people say they make a decision every morning not to drink. I suppose I do this too, but not in a conscious way anymore. I only have 8 weeks sobriety and things are looking a little bit more complicated than they did in the beginning. Maybe this is because during the first couple of weeks I was concentrating solely on the task of not picking up a drink. My whole existence was based around substitute activities, mainly making and drinking endless cups of weird and wonderful herbal teas, many of them designed to help the detox process (dandelion, nettle, green tea etc). That was fairly simple (though not easy) in the sense that I only had one thing to concentrate on. Now there are other things that need to be done. I'm happy doing them, but boy do they require some soul searching! I'm talking about the steps of course. The first three steps were "easy" for me although the praying took a bit of practice and it still does. Embarking on step 4 is just plain scary, but I know in my heart that it will do me (and probably other people around me) a world of good to work through it. I also have a sneaky feeling it's going to be one of those steps I'll need to revisit from time to time.

My main feeling for today is: "...and that's ok." A little glimpse of serenity right there!

Ups and downs

It feels like I'm on a rollercoaster and I want to get off. Some days are absolutely awful and all I want to do is pick up a drink. Others are great and everything is going so smoothly. The problem is that I don't know which it's going to be when I wake up in the morning and I don't like suprises. Somehow, even in the depths of my relapse romanticising, there's a mental abyss between me and the physical act of putting a drink to my lips so wide that it seems impossible to cross it. This is, I believe, thanks to my HP and AA amongst other things, but maybe also because it's all still very fresh in my memory; the last months of drinking but not wanting to, the weird void between active drinking and detox where I actually wasn't allowed to stop drinking on my own but had to wait for the process to start with nurses etc. I do not under any circumstances want to experience that again.

I'm also facing up to my character defects and various hang-ups head on. It's not a pretty sight. I desperately need to start working on step 4 before I pop (or hurt somebody)!

Otherwise things are going well. I'm still on schedule with uni work, I exercise pretty much everyday (although today I only managed 20 minutes in the pool because it was too crowded and I didn't have any patience at all!) and at this particual moment I'm at peace with my partner. I've got enormous money problems but I've sort of accepted that that's going to be the case for most of my life. But best of all, I am sober today, one day at the time.

Migraine and sleeplessness

I've been so lucky to have been perfectly healthy these past 7 weeks of sobriety. Yesterday my first migraine came out of nowhere and prompted me to spend most of the day in bed after I'd been swimming. Worked my two hours in the kitchen, went to a meeting where I sat with my head in my hands, went home and took a couple of codeine based painkillers and went back to bed. When it was time to go to bed properly I couldn't get any sleep for ages, my partner couldn't sleep either so was tossing and turning. When I woke up this morning it was only about 6am and my head was still splitting and I was sweating buckets. It felt not unlike my mornings-after. I really feel hungover today and it sucks. Missed going to the gym this morning. I'm just praying and hoping I'll feel alright later and that I can resume my routine tomorrow. I know it's a stupid little problem, but it worries me because when I've stopped drinking for longer periods in the past (without any help or support, before I knew I was an alcoholic) I've been very ill with constant headaches and migraines incapacitating me and leaving me feeling frustrated and wondering what the point of being sober is. I'm terrified that it's going to happen again. Hence this long rant about a sodding migraine.

I am grateful that it's not self-inflicted. But still.

A bit stuck

I have a feeling I might not be doing enough step work. I'm concentrating on other areas in my life, which, judging by numerous blogs and shares in the rooms, could be a bad thing. Step work is the foundation of AA and something that is highly recommended. People who don't do the steps have a high relapse rate if I've understood it right. I'm hovering between step 3 and 4 at the moment. I said the step 3 prayer out loud today for the first time, although I've said it in silence many times before. I've written it down on a piece of red paper and stuck in on the wall directly opposite me at my desk. I read it often and it does make sense now. It took a while before I understood the meaning of it. I've got a sheet of paper where I should be writing down name's of people that I hold resentments against but that list is hidden away in my AA note book, and I conveniently keep forgetting to do it. So it looks like I'm putting off doing step 4...

Be that as it may, life is good at the moment. I've managed to get up at 7am this week to either go to they gym or swimming. This morning I went swimming and it was great but a bit crowded. I've spent loads of time browsing in our local wholefood store, which I love doing! I can disappear for hours if I go up town because I can't resist going in there. I most definitely spend too much money in there! Another thing I spend money on is second hand clothing. I cannot walk past a charity shop without just "popping in quickly" as it were. They've taken over from pubs in my head, and I much prefer it this way...

Past issues are creeping up behind me though, I can feel it. So I need to kick myself up the backside and start on my list. Stop being a coward! I need to tell myself I'm strong now, well, much stronger than I was in the depths of my drinking anyway.

Today I'm grateful for: My partner for not giving me any grief and for trying to be a "good boy", the fact that I'm sober, exercise, the balmy weather, the Rooms (going to meeting tonight) and much more besides!

7 weeks

With the help of the rooms, my sponsor, my Higher Power and my loved ones I've now reached 7 weeks. During this short journey so much has changed and almost all of it for the better. Actually, nothing has changed for the worse! Today I've felt that laughter that comes from the pit of your stomach, that real joy over some silly little thing that makes you giggle. I used to have to be half-cut before anything like that would manifest, and towards the end it didn't manifest at all. I feel truly blessed at being able to laugh honestly and in a heartfelt way. It's just one of the great joys of sobriety that I'm experiencing at the moment, and one that I'm so grateful for.

Is this the pink cloud? Actually, don't tell me because I don't really care. I'm going to enjoy this elated feeling for as long as it's there and count every blessing and stay grateful. One day at the time.

I just realised that I'm writing this after a fairly horrible day. Work was manic with loads of customers, tons of orders in the kitchen, arguments and mistakes and general chaos. After that lunch time session I was ready to drop! I even told my boss that it was an awful shift, upon which she apologised (?). I have no idea why she apologised and I told her so. Anyway, somehow I just carried on working in the bar afterwards, talking to one of our house guests and other people and it all sort of disappeared and I haven't really thought about it since. It's strange as I would have dwelled on it in the past to the point of driving me crazy, but today, even though it was tough at the time, it didn't touch me in the same way. Another thing to be grateful for!

Putting things in perspective

This evening's meeting was just amazing. It was busy and people were sharing about emotional stuff, more so than I'm used to. I find myself so wrapped up in my own small everyday battles that I fail to see the bigger picture a lot of the time. Tonight I saw glimpses of it and it humbled me greatly. It's truly great how people work through the most horrendous situations and heartaches. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose one's kids, or going through a divorce with someone you've been married to for a long time. I don't have children and I've never been in a relationship for longer than 2,5 years so I have no idea what it's like to lose something that big. At the end I almost felt as if my share tonight was petty and insignificant in the light of what other people were saying, but after the meeting I had a few people coming up to me commenting on what I'd said and I felt better and realised my story of everyday stuff will have meaning for someone. One woman said that she liked hearing me because what I say feels fresh to her as I'm so early in recovery, and it reminds her of the excitement one can feel in the beginning when life starts to become more managable and full of possibilities. That felt really good to hear.

God willing, I will have 7 weeks on tuesday, and I am so grateful for that. I am grateful that I haven't had a drink today and that the rooms are there for someone like me. Life is pretty good at the moment but I have to stay humble and be careful. Nobody stays on a pink cloud forever (if that's where I am now).

Not a big deal (a rant and a half)

"It's not a big deal". That's something I should be able to say and mean when certain things happen. But I can't. I find a minor fault with something and by the time I've done some thinking about it, it's not a minor fault anymore but something that's grown into a lump in my stomach, makes my heart race and never mind what it's doing to my head. And it really isn't a big deal! It all boils down to my selfishness and self-centredness. My partner came home from a darts game this evening and had invited three people to come an join him playing some computer games in the front room. Now, this usually means a late night and a very stoned partner, and my plan was to get up early in the morning to go swimming. And because my plan seems to be in danger of being intercepted by this social gathering in the front room, my brain is playing some major tricks on me. Add to the equation that I've stopped taking the anti-craving medication because I think they might have contributed to my stomach problems, and I am just a little wobbly. I'm not planning to have a drink but I'll probably have a few more cigarettes than I planned (another plan down the pan! See?). Even though I'm fairly confident that I won't have a drink (this is just too stupid!), the thought is there and that annoys me no end.

So why is this happening? Am I a control freak? Possibly. Am I bothered about the fact that I can't join in on their smoke fest? No. Am I bothered about the fact that I won't get a very early night? Hell yeah! Why am I bothered about it? After all, it's been a very good week (and weekend before) in terms of sleeping and exercising so one night that isn't turning out exactly the way I had planned really shouldn't disturb my peace of mind. Also bearing in mind that I didn't let my partner in on this plan to begin with, so really, I only have myself to blame... and no reason to behave like this. The only up-side is that I'm not showing him how I feel about it. Well, I did moan a bit, but decided to drop it when I heard my own irritating whining voice go on about something that really is NOT A BIG DEAL!


I'm SOBER and that's all that matters right now. Thank goodness I went to a meeting earlier this evening.
End of rant.

Divine music

This evening me and my partner went to a friend's album launch. It's her second and it's just as divine as the first one. As a genre it's not my cup of tea, but something about my friend's music is different. I think it's the fact that she seems to be completely genuine. The things she says and the words she sings come straight from her heart and soul. She likes to say that her music comes from one single source ultimately; love. So true. Her voice is just amazing and I find myself fighting back tears when listening to some of her songs, especially live, like tonight.

This evening I felt as if I found another part of me that had got lost during my drinking days, particularily towards the last couple of years. I reconnected with some old friends I haven't seen for years, others that I only see occasionally and I felt so at home. When I was around them a few years ago I didn't appreciate what I had. I didn't see how precious those people and that environment really was. I was too busy (at the time completely unaware) either drinking or planning my next drink, oh and recovering from drinking, to see what was going on around me. I saw a lot of beauty, love and serenity tonight and for that I am grateful.

My drinking, or lack of, came up in a couple of conversations. In one I told a friend I haven't seen for three years that I've given up drinking, she looked a bit blank and said she never noticed that I drank too much, that she couldn't remember that about me. But as we chatted for a bit memories started coming back to her and she understood. She said she can't identify with it because she doesn't touch the stuff, and when she does find herself with a drink she has about three sips and then forgets about it. A reality so far far away from mine... The other was a guy who when he heard another friend of ours mention the fact that I'd gone to a festival and not had a drink exclaimed "Are you teetotal!?" - a genuinely happy exclamation. He doesn't drink at all (not sure why) and he said that he'd lately bumped in to several people who say they don't drink or just stopped for some reason or other. He looked so pleased that I didn't tell him why I'd stopped. It feels like I'm moving in the right circles again. I love all my friends but some are better for my sobriety than others.

Sunday night meeting

The meeting on Sunday night is my favourite one and last night it was very well attended. I don't think I've seen that many people in any meeting so far. During this  meeting I was reminded about my stints with so called depression and I shared a bit about it. Basically, before I realised I was an alcoholic, I sought help for depression. I was prescribed anti-depressants and sedatives twice and both times they sent me completely mad. I've come to realise that I wasn't depressed as such, other things made me depressed (such as drinking), and it had nothing to do with low levels of serotonin in my brain as the psychiatrists were so quick to tell me. It makes me angry and frustrated that doctor's and psychiatrists can so easily prescribe medication without any proper assessment or follow-up. It doesn't take more effort than going to your GP, listing a few typical symptoms for depression, and you go home with zoloft or citalopram (both horrible). In my case I listed a few symptoms like: don't want to get out of bed in the morning, self-harm, drinking too much, being nasty to people close to me. Incidentally, they are also some of the symptoms of being an active alcoholic. Even though I mentioned my drinking habits quite frequently to different doctors and nurses, nobody ever picked up on it or asked any further questions. Because of this I never asked any questions about it either. I do believe there is a time and a place for everything and maybe I wouldn't have been ready to tackle my alcoholism a few years ago. I probably did need to reach my bottom before I realised what was actually going on. I'm so grateful I only got to 30 before I finally did.

Me and my sponsor went swimming again this morning. It's such a good way to start the day. I didn't quite manage to stop smoking when I said I was going to. A few things happened during the week that made me puff away like mad, but now I try to temper it as much as I can. I smoke less than ten a day, and I try not to smoke more than five. I do feel it when I'm doing exercise though and really would like to give it up. But again, I might just not be ready to completely let it go just yet.

Tired but in a good way

I've been up since 7.20am, which is unheard of for me on a Saturday. I had arranged with my sponsor to go swimming, which we did. While I was there I also joined their membership scheme which includes the gym and got a good deal. Two inductions booked in, and meanwhile I can use the swimming pool for free. After the inductions I'm gonna hit the gym a couple of times a week with some swimming thrown in between. After that I went to a meeting which was good. We talked about step 2 and people had really good things to say about that.

I'm starting to enjoy this sobriety thing. In the beginning I only focused on not drinking and my whole life revolved around avoiding triggers, situations, feelings, emotions, smoking as much as I could and drinking enormous amounts of tea and soft drinks - just to stave off drinking thoughts. Even though I didn't desire a drink, the physical and mental habits were still there. I didn't know what to do with myself without a glass of wine in my hand, or indeed, without the promise of a having a glass of wine in my hand later after work etc. Now I am almost comfortable making plans for the next few days because I can be quite certain that I'll be able to keep to them. I can arrange to meet people and know that I'll be there in body as well as spirit, which didn't use to be the case. For example, I had planned to do some form of exercise four times this week, I have already done five! It may sound like a small thing, but it's nothing short of miraculous for me.

I'm grateful for waking up early on a saturday without a hangover, without the shakes, sweats and the anxiety. I'm so grateful that I'm sober today, one day at the time.

New day, fresh perspectives

It’s strange how one’s perspective can change after some sleep at night. It’s as if a new day really does bring new possibilities and the promise of change. I feel a whole lot better today. After a cuddle with my partner in bed this morning I went for a run. It was a beautiful sunny day and not many people around on the grounds where I go running. A dog came up and said hello. Nothing in particular has happened today but my mood is good, I’m getting some work done for uni and I’m going to a meeting tonight. I haven’t been to a meeting since Sunday, and it feels like it’s been too long. I really need a midweek meeting as well but at the same time I can feel that I’m spending too much time in meetings and too little on uni work or other things I want to do when I’m off work. It’s all about priorities I suppose, and my number one priority is to stay sober.

Yesterday’s events seem unreal, as if they didn’t happen. That’s probably because I don’t want them to have happened. My perspective was gone (as my sponsor pointed out) and I was blinded by the thoughts in my head that I couldn’t control. I was obsessing and not letting go. I could not in any way see that perhaps I was overreacting and taking things too far by threatening to leave etc. Now, I don’t in any way defend my partner’s actions, but I’ve come to accept them today as part of his psychological make-up. It’s something that I can’t control apart from letting him know what I think of such behaviour. That’s all I can do before sitting back and letting it all go.

I’m so overwhelmingly grateful that I didn’t pick up a drink yesterday and that I’m still sober today.

New depths

I've reached new depths when it comes to wallowing in self-pity and resentment today. The day started out fabulously - I managed to get up on time and went swimming early in the morning. I caught the bus there and walked back which added to the exercise a bit. I was bouncing with energy all day, feeling really happy, then something happened. My partner lied to me, looking me straight in the eyes whilst doing it. Three times. The fall was hard. The Serenity Prayer could not have been further from my mind. It was out of my control - yes. I could not do anything about it (the gods know I've tried in the past). I did not have the wisdom to know how to handle the situation. I phoned my sponsor who was an absolute star. That calmed me down for a while. I decided to avoid my partner for the rest of the day, but when I saw him I confronted him about what he had done. He laughed in my face at my silliness and overreaction. I saw red. It all just erupted and this evening/night has been horrible. We've sort of made up now but I'm still obsessing about it. It's late and I should be in bed, but I doubt I'm gonna sleep very well.

This is the closest I've been to a relapse since I stopped drinking. I was constantly thinking about ways to get around my alcoholic mind. Thinking about just having one night of letting go, of allowing myself to be numbed by drink, at the same time as I was envisioning myself getting so drunk that I'd end up in hospital. It does not make any sense. The thought that if I pick up a drink tonight it will be for the last time as I won't be around for another relapse kept me from doing it. Also thinking about the people that have helped me through this made me reconsider. The guilt would be unbearable and I would probably end up drinking even more on that. They are probably not very good reasons, but they were amongst the things that kept me sober today. One day at the time.

On edge

It's been a strange day consisting of all degrees of moods you can think of. I've been angry, happy, upset, frustrated, elated... all in one day. It's exhausting! The negative emotions have their ground mainly in the fact that I can't seem to be able to do things "my way". I'm trying to manipulate my surroundings and the people in it to fit in to my plans and aspirations. This, as you can probably imagine, is no easy task. It's also incredibly selfish of me to think that I can actually do that. A while ago I would have reached for a drink every time I failed to stick to a plan, blaming other people for my failures. I would go in to complete self-pity mode. Today I don't do that. Instead I walk off in a huff after a few not so carefully selected hurtful words and roll myself a cigarette. Yep, I stopped yesterday, today I've had four including the one I'm smoking right now. Four is better than the 10 or so I smoked every day before yesterday, but still I consider it a bit of a failure. Not so much self-pity as frustration.

Tomorrow I'm having another go at getting up early to go swimming, which I failed to do this morning due to lack of sleep (caused by somebody else, of course!) and I realise I have to start working on a few of my character defects very soon.

The positive emotions today have their ground in the happy moments with my partner, making up and making out! Also the fact that I'm still sober and haven't had a drink in 37 days, one day at the time.

Day 1 of another kind

There's 25 minutes left of this day and I've not had a smoke. There's been only two occasions where I thought about having one, but they passed quickly when I busied myself with work etc. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I've suffered from horrendous indigestion this past week. It feels like somebody is sticking a knife in my back in between my shoulder blades (but more to the left) and twisting it. Not cool.

Managed to go for a run this morning. Found a field where I did laps, and there was hardly anyone around which was a bonus. The plan is to go swimming in the morning, but I'll have to see how I feel when I wake up. It's usually better in the morning before I've had anything to eat, though, so it shouldn't be a problem. It feels really good not to have that tendency to self sabotage. I feel more confident in making plans because I know at least I won't screw them up through drinking. If other things get in the way I can handle them.

This turned out to be a very boring blog entry. Sorry. Time for bed.

Smoke free?

My intention is to stop smoking as of tomorrow. I'm a little bit nervous about giving up something else so soon after giving up alcohol, but at the same time the smoking really isn't doing me any favours. If someone or something makes me angry or stressed, the first thing I'm going to want to do is roll a cigarette. However, if I keep the Serenity Prayer in mind, I'll know that I can't control what other people do or some of the things that happen to me, but I can control how I react to it (and I'll hopefully have the wisdom to know the difference!). In the beginning I might reach for a cookie, which is not ideal, but not half as bad. One can't expect to be perfect. Althought I want to. Really badly. It's one of my major character defects, but one that serves me quite well at this moment in time. I'll have opportunity to adjust my expectations as I gain more experience in this living-life-sober kind of thing. Oh, did I mention I went back to being vegetarian on thursday last week? I already feel so much better, and I also feel as if I've regained some of my own identity that I so freely gave away to alcohol fuelled self-centredness. I was veggie for 9 years, then ate meat for 4 years, and now I'm back again.

All is good. I'm full of gratitude... to life, to my sponsor, to my partner, to my boss, to my friends, to my mum and dad, to AA...

Drug dream

Ok, hold on a minute.

My drug of choice was always alcohol. During my first six months in England I also used cocaine at the weekends, but drink was always my primary drug. The night before last I had a drinking dream, last night I dreamt that I took some kind of prescription drug at a house party and started feeling really strange and horrible. I said to the people at the party that I'm teetotal and don't do very well with drugs, I feel uncomfortable, I want to go home. Then it was sort of a struggle to leave that place. They offered me coke and pills and wanted me to stay. Just like with the taste of the lager, the feeling of strangeness from taking that pill felt so real and I can recall the feeling still now. There was no drink at that party and it was all very odd.

When I was a kid we were always told that alcohol was the gateway to using heavier drugs as a means of putting us off (that didn't work). But I didn't realise that applied to dreams about it as well!

I wonder if this came about because I met someone at the meeting last night who said that if I ever needed a meeting but couldn't get to AA on a given day, there was always NA, where they consider alcohol a drug. This sparked a bit of a heated debate with another member who didn't think you should go to NA unless you are addicted to drugs. I felt uncomfortable and was happy to leave.

Tonight I'm going to one of my two favourite meetings. I'm very much looking forward to that.

Drinking dream

There's a first time for everything.

I've read about drinking dreams on various blog and feared that I'd be plagued by these once I stopped drinking, which would only be expected as drinking was such an ingrained part of my daily routine. So far I've been spared as far as I know (one can't be expected to remember all dreams). However, last night I had one. I can't remember the particulars of the dream, nor how I ended up taking a drink it, but I do remember that I felt as if I had taken that drink by mistake, sort of forgetting that I was no longer drinking. The taste of that half a lager, which is something I haven't touched in months (my drink was wine and bourbon) lingered in my mouth for a long time afterwards in the dream and I remember thinking "oh my god, I've had a drink, I'm not supposed to, I better not fall off the waggon" and then the ensuing panic. Thankfully I got woken up at this point. How real that taste of lager was!

So what triggered this dream? I'm not sure but me and my partner had cross words at bedtime and I went to bed angry thinking about the fact that I'd normally have a drink on these feelings and how good it'd be if I had a way of numbing myself right now. I didn't actually want a drink, but I was thinking about it. Maybe this was the trigger.

It's been exactly one month today since I had my first sober day on 7 June. At the moment I don't fancy a drink and I don't fancy another drinking dream. I'm very grateful for everything that I've got and need to find a way of dealing with this frustration and anger inside.

One day at the time.

30 Days

Today (Wednesday) I have been 30 days sober. So far so good. I went down to the bar (I live on top of the pub I work in) to get a bar of chocolate earlier, and as it happens it's located in the same fridge as the wine I used to drink. It felt strange as normally I would have been pulling out a bottle (at this time of night probably bottle no 2) from that fridge but now it's bars of chocolate... Talking of chocolate. I've never known myself to have such a sweetooth as after I got sober. There's no end to the amounts of busquits and bars of chocolate I can consume now whereas before I used to make a face everytime someone suggested I should have a sweet. I guess I'm making up for the sugar I used to get from the wine!

Today I'm grateful for the fact that I was able to get up at 7.30am to get ready for the beer delivery that normally arrives about 8am. This without headache, sweats, shakes and/or anxiety. Oh and that uncontrollable thirst after a heavy night. Yuk! I don't miss that at all.

Time for some Gratitude

I'm grateful for the fact that I can study and understand what I'm doing. In fact, I'm on schedule with my course work for the first time since I started it almost two years ago. While I was drinking, even though I didn't study while I was drunk, I was clearly mentally affected by the fact that I drank heavily every night. I looked through some earlier material today and can't even remember doing the work that I've done. It's pretty scary and will prove difficult when it's time to tie all the material together for the final exam. I'll just have to spend some time re-reading I guess.

I'm grateful for having a more stable mood and not have that jo-jo effect where my moods would be elevated one minute, then dark and miserable the next with no way of knowing what would trigger it. It would not only affect me but the people close to me as well.

I'm grateful for actually wanting to get out of bed in the morning to face a new day. Even going to bed is enjoyable now whereas it used to be filled with dread - "if I go to bed I'll have to face tomorrow shortly - aaargh", which prompted a few more drinks to garantuee passing out. Before I stopped drinking I dreaded sleepless nights, but thankfully they haven't materialised.

I'm grateful for my sponsor who is a very sweet and interesting woman with so much to give. She keeps me grounded. 

My life is far from perfect and there's lots more work to do, but I think it's important to remember the good things and be grateful for them. I've learnt that it's an important part of recovery.

Social contexts

I never really realised how affected we are by our social context, the friends we surround ourselves with. I always knew it on a theoretical level but never really seen it. In the meeting tonight this guy was telling his story about how his life of alcohol fuelled crime and violence seemed perfectly normal and something that "everybody" does. It made me think of how I used to justify, albeit unknowingly, my abnormal behaviour patterns. Things like not paying bills on time, always accruing more debt, leaving tabs unpaid for ages, not sorting out paperwork etc, all seemed perfectly acceptable and normal as my boozing friends had much worse stories to tell about debt collectors knocking on the door and what not. If I was ever told off by a more sensible friend of mine, I would worry, get anxious and promptly go to the pub to be amongst my drinking buddies again and after a couple of glasses of wine feel a whole lot better... At least until I woke up the next morning with even less money and self respect.

I have now started to very, very slowly look at the financial mess I've gotten myself into. It's not a pretty sight but I think it could have been much worse. It may seem unmanagable right now, but I know that, really, nothing is unmanagable so long as I don't take that first drink. Somebody was talking about baby steps the other day and that's a good way to look at it. Slowly but surely I'm regaining control over my life and the things I can't control I need to leave be. The Serenity Prayer right there!

The plant is still alive, by the way.

Movies

I watched two movies today while my partner was away. One was "Eat, Pray, Love" with Julia Roberts. That was a pretty mediocre film to be honest, but had a few good bits in it. One was a quote that said something along the lines of "you have to choose your thoughts in the same way that you choose your clothes in the morning". I really wish I could do that more, however, I do find it easier without the alcohol. While I was drinking I was trying to control everything and my thoughts raced around in my head like a storm. They were unstoppable and all reasoning went out the window. So in my pursuit of being in total control I was in fact totally and utterly out of control. Insane.

The other bit that caught my attention was a man in the movie who told his story about how alcohol ruined his life. It was a pretty harrowing story and not one that I can relate to, but it was a good reminder of what could have been. A reminder of what I'm doing now and why I'm doing it. Even though the film as such wasn't very good (I wouldn't recommend it to anyone), it still made me think of the most unexpected things.

Film number two was "While You Were Sleeping" with Sandra Bullock. Ok, the story is a bit unbelievable and it's soppy but I do have a weakness for Sandra Bullock. Not quite sure why. I really love her in 28 Days - and talking of 28 Days - my sponsor gave me a plant yesterday! Now that's a gift with meaning...

Tales of relapse

This evening's meeting was unusually intense. A man came that had relapsed after two months of sobriety and he had taken a drink today. He was clearly drunk and shared for a long time until he was cut off by the person who chaired the meeting. There was a lot of love in that room tonight. Other people shared about how they appreciated his story, that they needed to hear it and they also talked about their own relapses. They gave him support and a big welcome back to the rooms (which is amazing). While he was talking, however, I struggled with my feelings. I didn't feel love. I cringed and felt very uncomfortable.

When thinking about it I realise that this is probably a reflection of the fact that I am only 25 days into recovery myself. Also full of character defects while not aware of a fraction of them. Maybe his story and state scared me because I haven't even reached a month yet. Self, self, self. I don't know. It was confusing and educational at the same time. I'm glad I experienced it but while it was going on I just wanted to disappear - I guess I didn't feel as safe as I usually do in the rooms.

But that's just me. For now.